Well, look at thatâthe Worldwide Church of God didnât just fade; it face-planted into obscurity so hard that entire generations have no clue who Herbert or Ted Armstrong even were. The Plain Truth? The World Tomorrow? Sounds like a bad retro band no oneâs streaming. Those of us still haunted by the memory are creaking well past middle age, hobbling intoâdare I say itâgeezer territory. Gross.
Anyone with half a brain and a pulse ditched this circus ages ago. But some, bless their nostalgic little hearts, couldnât resist the sweet, sweet lies of the tithe-hungry vultures who spun up knockoff ministries faster than you can say âcult.â These sad little factions come in two flavors: the snooze-fests and the straight-up wackos.
First, the snooze-fests: UCG, CGI, COGWAâyawn. Theyâre not quite deranged enough to be one-dude ego trips, and theyâve got some flimsy guardrails to keep their wannabe dictators in check. But, oh honey, theyâre trapped in a 1950s fever dream where women knew their place, gay folks were a myth, and evolution was Satanâs PowerPoint presentation. Theyâll slap their dinosaur dogma on a shiny new website, thoughâbecause nothing screams ârelevantâ like preaching to a demographic thatâs literally dying off. Spoiler: nobody under 40 cares, and their numbers are tanking faster than a bad sitcom.
Sure, some of these folks are sweet, trying to do good in their own deluded way. But, like, good luck with that, grandpa. No oneâs buying.
Then weâve got the loonies, and oh boy, what a clown car. LCG is the âsanestâ of the bunch, which is like saying a paper cut is better than a chainsaw woundâit is still nuttier than a fruitcake. And it only gets worse from there: Weinland, Pack, Flurry, Thielâpick your poison on the crazy scale. These are the self-crowned kings of their own sad little lunch tables, running one-man fiefdoms thatâll probably implode the second they keel over.
To anyone with a functioning brain, these groups are a cosmic jokeâtoo bad the punchlineâs on the poor saps still tithing. Theyâre too dense to get it.
Victims? Pfft. If youâre still here, youâre choosing to drink the Kool-Aid, and after decades of blatant corruption, manipulation, and hypocrisy, sympathyâs in short supply. Cry me a river. The only ones worth a shred of pity are the kids stuck in hellholes like PCG, raised in these soul-crushing pigsties. Most of âem will bolt the second they canâArmstrongismâs never been good at keeping the youngâuns from running for the hills.
This whole messâll be a footnote, if itâs lucky. Good riddance.