(or: The Sex ACTS of the Apostle)
by John B
Caution!! This page is “R” Rated
(Just like the Bible)
Do not read any further if you are offended with street language.
Remember Waterhouse saying that there would be
additions to the Book of Acts? Well, here is a start
Chapter 1
1. Brethren, I would not have you be ignorant of the travails of the end time, for it came to pass in those days that a child was born, of Quaker stock (which is not to say, chicken stock).
2. And his name was called Herbert (for he had no W), and would be a strong-arm man. He was filled with vanity, exceedingly so, and consumed with lust. He desired much lucre, and power, and women (but lo he was ugly).
3. Young Herbert pursued many adventures, so many that no man can know, nor can any man understand, for he was filled with a lying spirit.
4. When he came of age he labored in an occupation, which is to say advertising, for his talent as a liar was much admired. He was betrothed to Loma, who did not know him, nor what she was getting into.
5. But famine spread across the land, called the Great Depression, and Herbert became destitute. Loma gave birth to Richard (who was called Dick), and Ted (who was obsessed with his dick), and two girl-children.
6. And Herbert had a vision, of a great golden mansion, a house with many rooms, and at his feet a pile of gold, and silver, and Steuben, and onyx, and all manner of cash. And the angel said unto him,
7. Get thee up, Herbert, and go forth, and preach, and all these things shall be yours. And Herbert said, Lo! Goddamn, why did I not think of that before?
8. And he girded up his loins, and went forth, and preached.
Chapter 2
1. In those days the land was covered with darkness, for all women were exceedingly oppressed, and there was no judge to hear their cry.
2. And it came to pass in the second year of his ministry, that Herbert fell upon his daughter, the fruit of his loins, and lay with her. And fucked her. And no man raised a cry, for they said, Truly, this is a man of God.
3. But Loma knew, yet Herbert did not heed, and continued for ten years. And his daughter was sorely vexed.
4. But Herbert preached the Sabbath, and the holy days, and baptized many. But he faced much opposition, for the prophets of the church of God (called 7th Day) murmured among themselves, saying, See, he thinks his calling is higher than ours.
5. And they were right. But Herbert cared not, and divided them, and tore asunder that which they had labored to build, drawing many to follow him. And the church of God (called 7th Day) was in a shambles.
6. But when the word was spread abroad that Herbert had fucked his daughter, he fled to a far province, called California, and his family followed. And he cursed the church of God (called 7th Day), and said, Behold, their works are dead! Follow me. And he left behind deacons, to collect the tithes, but the deacons said among themselves, Verily, why should we give him these tithes? See how he has abandoned the body of Christ. And they kept the money for themselves.
7. And Herbert called them thieves.
8. There was war in the east, for a man called Adolf (who was also filled with lust and greed) said to himself, Surely I have a destiny to destroy the Jews. And he made a great slaughter.
9. And Herbert admired him, and prophesied, saying, Surely this man shall triumph! The end must be near. And he made many prophecies, but none came to pass.
Chapter 3
1. In the ten and third year of his ministry, Herbert discovered a great city, called Pasadena (which in the Hebrew tongue means nothing), and in it were many great mansions on a street called Orange Grove. And Herbert’s eyes were filled with lust.
2. And he acquired a mansion (for he was a great con man, and a liar), and built a college, which he called Ambassador. And he preached a new doctrine, for his prophecies concerning the war did not come to pass, yet he still admired Adolf, and emulated him in all things.
3. And he started with four students, including Herman, who was called Ho, and was truly a ho. And the college started small, like a grain of mustard seed, and flourished.
4. And more students came, and Herbert acquired another mansion, and another mansion, and he preached continually, proclaiming himself as God’s only true prophet. And many heeded his voice, and the lucre began to accumulate.
5. And Herman, who was called Ho, and was truly a ho, and also admired Adolf (and was of the same race as Adolf, and was exceedingly proud), began to call himself a historian, and a scholar, but he was neither.
6. Among the students came another, called Rod, of the house of Merrydeath, who some said was sly. And Rod became obsessed with his rod, and considered the matter. And when he was ordained, he preached about the rod of iron, and all other rods, and condemned queers exceedingly.
7. And the church of God (called Radio) began to spread, like a vine, until it encompassed the whole land. And many believed, and gave all in tithes and offerings, and many were sore vexed, and many died.
8. And Herbert’s son Dick was sent into all the land, to witness, and to raise up new congregations, and he raised up many.
9. Herbert sent forth many epistles, called coworker epistles, and the work continued to grow. And Herbert was well fed, but he was not contented.
10. In the twenty and second year of his ministry, Herbert received a messenger, a bearer of bad news, and Herbert was grieved, for his son Dick was dead. The chariot upon which Dick had ridden had struck another chariot, because the charioteer was a man called Billingsley, who was a wimp and a fool.
11. And Herbert prayed, crying with a loud voice, and said, Hear me O Lord, thou hast given me this son, as thou gavest Isaac to Abraham. Now raise him up again to life, that he may follow in my path.
12. But God said from his throne, Fuck off, little man.
13. And Dick was still dead.
Chapter 4
1. And the word was spread abroad, unto all nations, and all languages, so that the church of God (called Radio) became increased in gold and silver and treasures.
2. And the ministers went among the flock, fleecing them, preaching that which seemed good unto them, for there was no law in America to prevent them, thanks to the separation of church and state.
3. And many thousands heeded the call, and gave, and attended local congregations, and gave, and prayed, and gave, and served, and gave. And the giving came from all nations, for the voice of Herbert was heard in all lands, and he preached fear and destruction and obedience, and a great terror filled the hearts of those who heard his cry, and did believe.
4. And Herbert published his ministry in many media, which is to say the World Tomorrow, the Plain Truth, and many tablets called booklets. Many believed, and certainly they trembled.
5. Herbert ruled as a king, from his throne, and when the talents waned he sent out more epistles, mouthing threats, and more talents were received. But he was not content.
6. In the thirty and third year of Herbert’s ministry, Loma suffered a great affliction, because she could not shit. Herbert drove away the physicians, and anointed her, but she was not healed. And she lingered near death for many days, and still she could not shit, and her spirit left her.
Chapter 5
1. Herbert began to travel abroad, to consort with kings and princes of all lands. For he said, Verily, I must fulfill the commission to preach the gospel unto every soul.
2. And he surrounded himself with thieves, and liars, and scoundrels of every sort. One was called Raider (which in the tongue of the elect means one who raids), who was a thief, and did not believe, but was an opportunist.
3. And Raider traveled with Herbert, and consumed the tithes. Their travels cost many talents, and spread across the earth, into every land, and they witnessed many wonders. And there were whores, and concubines, and sluts of every kind, and no thing they desired was withheld from them.
4. In a far land of the east Herbert found himself a concubine, of the land of the Filipinos, and desired that she return with him to Pasadena, where he lavished upon her very expensive gifts, and spent many hours in her bed.
5. But the brethren knew nothing of it.
6. And during the wanderings of Herbert his son Ted looked about and said unto himself, Am I not the equal of my father? Am I not more youthful and more becoming? And he began to usurp his father’s throne, and to take command. He gazed upon the maidens in the college called Ambassador, and did lust after them.
7. And he did fuck many, and also the wives of many ministers. And he was a hypocrite.
8. Alas, the word did spread, about Ted, that he did fuck many maidens, and wives of many ministers, and Herbert was called home. And he was wroth. But as the prophet Jeremy could have said, but did not, blood runneth thicker than water, and Herbert did protect Ted, and assuaged him, and sent him into the wilderness of Montana to repent, whereupon Ted enjoyed a blessed vacation, and did hunt and killed many deer and moose.
9. And the council of elders took exception to Raider, and complained to Herbert. But Herbert rebuked them, and made his jowls shake with a great shaking, and did squeal like a pig. And he said unto them, You want me to send him away because you like him not. BUT I DO LIKE HIM! And the ministers were stung, and fell silent. And Raider continued to squander the tithes and consumed many talents upon his lusts.
Chapter 6
1. In those days Herbert was increased in years, but he did not cease in his travels. He went forth and preached in many lands, saying, The world is sore troubled, and will surely perish, unless some great hand from somewhere should intervene.
2. But he preached not Christ, nor did he declare the way unto salvation, nor preached the gospel. He went unto Jerusalem, and Egypt, and Gog, and Magog, and Egg Nog, lavishing upon them gifts, and cash, and receiving many whores, and became increased in vanity.
3. And it came to pass in those days that a man called Robinson did write a book, and a man called Tuit did file a suit, and the governor of the province called California did pay heed. He sent forth magistrates, and deputies, and did seize the church (called Worldwide), and occupied it, and said, Lo, this man Herbert is a thief, and a liar, and a charlatan, and we must inquire of him as to how the talents are spent.
4. But the congregations rose up and rebelled, for they were told by the ministers that this was of Satan, and persecution, and they believed. They resisted the magistrates and deputies, and cried aloud with a loud voice, and said, Free us O Lord!
5. And Mike Wallace came forth and communed with Raider, and noised it abroad. And Raider was wroth, and fucked it up, and said unto Mike Wallace, Get thee out of the house of God, or I shall prevail upon the District Attorney, for thou art too close to the truth!
6. But there was a document in the land, called the Constitution, and it was the law in the land. And it came to pass that many churches, and congregations, and cults did ally themselves with the Worldwide, and the governor of the province called California withdrew, and said, Behold, this cause is lost, and Herbert escaped justice.
7. But he was wroth, and squealed like a pig, and shook his jowls with a great shaking, and disfellowshipped many. And began to preach about two trees, which meaning none could interpret, (for it had no meaning), and from that day forward did preach nothing else, for he had nothing else to preach. And he put the church back on the track, which is to say, back in the hole.
8. In the sixty and second year of his ministry, when he was ninety and three years of age, Herbert did finally die. And he was unrepentant of his deeds, and very proud and exceedingly filled with vanity.
9. And there were many more acts of this apostle which have not been told, but truly, are they not written down in the web site called The Painful Truth? Amen.
2013 should win some sort of weirdness award, particularly because of the Cult of Herbert Armstrong. Prophet Thiel began accepting tithe money. Ronald Weinland finally went to Federal Prison for Income Tax Evasion on or near Groundhog’s Day (we’re thinking it parallels the movie where he keeps reliving the same day in prison over and over again until he gets some prophecy or other right). E. W. King and Apostle Malm made more stupid statements. Apostle Malm also held his very first Feast of Tabernacles (if you could call it that, maybe it should be called “Cult Bible Camp”) in Oregon.