The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one’, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it.
He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people.
These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbour’s stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.
My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then got barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
We’re pretty sure this kid is going to be on the next committee to translate the Bible.
Actually, he grew up and worked on the Systematic Theology Project.
Reminds me of a version of the Gospels written in prison lingo back in the 1960s.
What’s so bad about asparagus?
It’s rather surprising that no one has mentioned how the Armstrongs have used the Bible in a manner similar to this little kid: Remember the tribe of Dan traveling through Europe naming things after themselves, like the Danube River? Using certain portions of the Bible to make it say and mean things it never did?
And down to today: Gerald Flurry using allusions in Scripture to ‘prove’ his points, even though the Scripture doesn’t mean what he said it means; Ronald Weinland who can’t figure out that the fifth trumpet comes after the second (or something like that); David Pack quoting the Bible to prove that major leaders in other sects are going to die and all ACoG members are going to come flocking to the RCG. Robert Thiel does it; Malm does it. Roderick Meredith does it.
British Israelism based on the Bible? Nonsense. It would be funny if it weren’t so pathetic.
So we might laugh at a little kid’s interpretation of the Bible.
But the abject misuse of language to ‘prove’ a cult leader’s proclamations of their ascendancy to the ‘truth’?
Just plain childish.
Losing my religion.
The biggest catalyst for me was that the “Holy Bible” was not the actual “Book”. Because, why didn’t Jesus write His own book? A statement of beliefs? Church by-laws and “The Grand Pecking Order”? Or at least demand that all disciples write a book report due by wednesday? Just to make sure that they had their stories straight.
Drive By,
For me one of the reasons was the money issue. Why did God always need money? Why did He always need money and in the causation, bankrupt families and cause enormous problems? Why did God have to send messages from the pulpit to beat me up & out of the prospect of buying decent housing for my family? Why did God find it necessary to threaten the lives of my children if I did not obey?
The answer came one day when I realized that the church priests where just the same extensions of the politicians of this country. They are of the same mind set. If they don’t get your money shit will hit the fan! I say fuck them all! They have nothing to contribute to the world. Both the politicians and the priest are nothing but parasites on the ass of humanity. Give them nothing and learn to live as a single free separate entity.
Drive by Philosopher — for the reasons you cite, this kid’s interpretation of the Bible is just as valid as any Armstrongist’s.
Read it again and then look at the ads in The Journal.
It is amazing for all the knowledge of the Bible scripture, very few Christians have any idea of the scholarly research that is well known and taught in all the divinity schools except for the divinity schools of overly fundamentalist groups(notably Armstrongism). It is well known that Bible stories do not mesh well and many things are downright impossible(simply compare the first four gospels side by side and make a list of what was done and where they went). Pontious Pilot according to well documented Roman histories was a ruthless and brutal governor. He would not have cared what the Jewish leaders said about Jesus at all, as Jesus was convicted of sedition for the claim that he was the King of the Jews, which since he only told his apostles, Judas turned him in.
It is also quite amazing that god needs your money since he is supposed to be quite capable of doing his work with or without you.
Anyways thanks to Douglas for his insight. If you’ve not read his book “Assertive Incompetence, it’s worth a read.
Thank you ‘Numbers Man’.
Yes I own a copy of Assertive Incompetence and it is indeed an insight into the minds of these idiots that run businesses.
More here: http://www.amazon.com/Assertive-Incompetence-Douglas-Becker/dp/0970691807
And don’t forget, its not only applies to businesses but churches and is a gander through their mindset.
Thanks Numbers Man for the plug.
I wrote Assertive Incompetence: An Introduction to Management Malpractice, so people could understand our world. It’s written as satire and irony so people will swallow the bitter pill of understanding. I had hoped that the knowledge would transform the world so scoundrels wouldn’t have such a foothold. Well, it didn’t work with Assertive Incompetence, just as it didn’t work with “Without Conscience” and “Snakes in Suits”.
A few things are out of date from 2001 when I published it, but government, religion and academia have been practicing it for millennia.
If people in the United States actually believed and understood what was in the book — a mostly complete revelation — of narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths in every segment of society, they’d at least understand the United States government as it now stands. It also handily explains the financial meltdown of 2008.
As applied to the Armstrongist churches of gods (or if you prefer, the Cult of Herbert Armstrong Mafia), it gives insight into what I call ‘The God Corporation’: Herbert Armstrong didn’t preach about the Kingdom of God, he preached about a coming super mega corporation with God as the CEO and Jesus as the President — with all the hierarchy of modern corporations (and it would also have all the modern corporate infighting — not convinced? Just look at the wars among the ACoG ‘God Corporations’ of today).
Of course, these people don’t have a clue how incompetent they are. Just look at some of the things Dixon Cartwright has posted here and on Otagosh and you’ll get some insight as to how ‘The God Corporation’ minds work: They are wrong, incompetent, believing that if they have the backing of others of ‘like minds’ in a folie a whatever, their cause is right and just, they are doing the right things, without for a moment realizing that what they are doing not only doesn’t matter, but makes things much worse.
These days, Dr. Phil has caught up to Assertive Incompetence and has published his own book, “Life Code”, which pretty much does what Assertive Incompetence does as a WARNING to the innocent lambs who mistakenly believe that ‘Those In Authority’ are looking out for their good: He calls the Scoundrels ‘BAITERS’ and we’ve covered this before here. People would be well to pay attention.
As you say, though, knowing what the divinity schools teach these days, is appalling: Dixon Cartwright did give us insight into the Church of God Big Sandy thinking at Otagosh by admitting that he not only doesn’t believe in British Israelism, but he doesn’t really believe in the authority of the Bible. It would be much more telling if he deigned to tell us what he believes and knows about the Bible, but he’s not doing that. Instead, he’s made it clear that his goal is to preserve the whole dysfunctional ‘society’ of those of delusional minds holding distorted perceptions. One look at The Journal and you have a window into an insane asylum. I would suppose it has value if for no other purpose than to expose how totally crazy the ACoG venue is: The very picture of Assertive Incompetence, taken to its limits. People have admitted that the ads won’t persuade people, so what’s the point, except as a narcissistic exercise in ego building: “Oh look, I’m somebody, I advertise in The Journal!”. It’s crazy sad and think of the mind of someone standing there regarding his advertisers with utter contempt while appearing ‘fair and balanced’.
In the meantime, the Bible stands as a book people use as a tool to promote their own crazy ideas as they seek to captivate people into slavery for profit and to build their own egos.
If you are interested, the book, “Moral Mazes” by Robert Jackall accurately portrays the craziness of corporations, a life I lived as a corporate manager of the Fortune 50 company, Weyerhaeuser for 4.5 years, during which I learned ALL of the corporate processes and turned them over to the United Church of God an International Association, giving much of the materials to Robert Dick. This should explain a lot: United has become a worldly corporation (just as Herbert Armstrong built the Worldwide Church of God and Ambassador College) with all its silly craziness and evils built in. Just think: United doesn’t just have the insanity of Herbert Armstrong’s heresies (from which they are attempting to distance themselves without much success), they also have the madness of evil so prevalent in the modern corporate world!
I have to shake my head. These people are totally clueless as to who they are and what they’ve built.
I’ve been contemplating putting out Assertive Incompetence as a flipping book on Ambassador.Report. I’m also contemplating creating a new publication there, “Assertive Incompetence: Aftermath”, describing what has actually happened since 2001 — such things as Weyerhaeuser Containerboad Packaging going out of business and being sold off to International Paper, with the decimation of the mill in Valiant, Oklahoma. This is excruciatingly painful stuff that nobody could make up as fiction. The aftermath is chilling and perhaps some time in the future we can explore it together.
Douglas Becker: “Drive by Philosopher — for the reasons you cite, this kid’s interpretation of the Bible is just as valid as any Armstrongist’s.”
“Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.”
LOL
Having re-read your ‘kids interpretation’, I don’t agree. I think it is quite possibly better! At least your smart-ass kid version speaks to some of the inconsistent presuppositions of the so-called Bible. Maybe you could do a “Finnegan’s Wake” version?
[a crazy idiosyncratic exapmle]
Cain was able to kill Abel because Abel was unAble to survive. Did Adam and Eve enable Cain to be more able to kill Abel? Was God unAble to warn or protect Abel? Where would we be if Abel was more able?
Did it ever occur to any minister of Armstrongism that they were projecting to the world that God as some kind of needy, overly demanding co-dependent sociopath with an insatiable narcisstic supply?
Because, if God could create the whole Universe without any help from anyone or needing absolutely NO money from anybody, why would He now choose to plan for disappointment by depending on us for money and to resolve whatever ‘it’ was or ‘is’? You would think that God would have it all figured out. Right?
These kind of ministurds are like a donkey carrying a load of books. They can’t understand them but they still HAVE them and that is all that matters. This reminds me of a story. 😉
drive-by-philosopher
drive-by-philosopher,
The ministurds had an opinion like everyone has an asshole. In general most were fucking stupid like an ass. Their opinion on anything was an uneducated assumption backed up by nothing.
Feel free to tell us a story!
Back in 2001, when I became aware of the so-called dissident websites, one of the first thing I noticed was that some of the people who had been relatively unknown within old school (pre-1975) Armstrongism seemed to be highly visible, and even prominent. It was almost like the fulfillment of Marlon Brando’s immortal words in “On the Waterfront” – – – “I could have been somebody, I could have been a contender!” And, of course, the ads in the Journal seem to be well populated with some of these wannabees, who give the appearance of finally having come into their own. I have no idea why they do this, because on a personal level, I’ve always been quite satisfied assisting people with the production machinery which they use to produce products, and generate the revenue through which people feed their families. It ends up being a different segment of the same chain, because ultimately, some of these people contribute to various non-profits, even including some of the “non-prophets” whom we all know!
Recently, I’ve become aware that it is not always the ideas and concepts on the good side of the aisle which drew people to Armstrongism. Some of the people who have left have remained mentally unbalanced and unstable because they have gone out to find non-Armstrong-related reasons or information to continue believing the same things which attracted them to Armstrongism in the first place. Some of these are abusive behavior, racism, the apocalypse, and secret, insider “truths” supposedly accessible only through conspiracy theories. Not everybody who leaves COGdom finds themselves desiring “nomalcy” or balance. Some enjoy being contrarians or odd-balls, and not always in rspect-worthy ways.
Back in the day, following sabbath services, there were always some of the oddballs holding court for anyone who would listen. They would apply Armstrongism in even more abstract and bizarre ways than did the ministry (If Gerald Waterhouse had been a simple lay member, he would have been amongst these people). Some of these people grew up to take out ads in the Journal. Not that he is any kind of standard himself, but what percentage of the ad takers would have been angrily marked and disfellowshipped by Herbert W. Armstrong?
I grew up resenting weirdness having been imposed upon me, at the hands of my parents. It is odd enough just holding non-mainstream beliefs, let alone forming habit patterns based on quirky, indefensible, cultic behavior taught by your church. I find that twenty years left me with a life time of discovery and corrections. First, one who leaves must actually discover and learn to practice good ethics. Reinfusing joy in life and eliminating negativity and paranoia requires arguably the most repair. As I’ve learned recently, some simply find new, secular reasons to continue in the destructive attitudes and worldview which originally appealed to them from Armstrongism. Whether it be the Bell Curve, or the Bilderbergs, the consequence is that these things continue, rather than prevent and repair, a 100% escape from the lingering effects of Armstrongism.
BB
I thought someone might remember that Jesus Christ arrived in Jerusalem on a donkey. And for anybody that might misunderstand that, just remember that I called the donkey stupid and NOT the books or Book.
drive-by-philosopher