Incredible Utterances

Blast from the past…

The following is a list of incredible utterances actually heard during the 1960’s at Ambassador College, and the WWCG:

1) “Hollywood calls these women stars. But, Fellows and Girls, when you understand God’s truth, and see things from God’s point of view, you start to realize that these Hollywood actresses who go thru multiple marriages are nothing but a bunch of whores! It makes me feel like walking up to them and slapping them across the face, and sticking their heads in the toilet bowl and saying ‘Bad, bad, bad dog! No!'” (If Rod Meridith comes to mind, you’re on the right track)

2) “Now it has come to my attention that some of you have begun to have sales parties for stainless steel pots and pans amongst the brethren. And you are telling your brethren a lie, that aluminum pots and pans, which are less expensive, actually break down into foods and vegetables, poisoning the food. Well, let me tell you that back in the twenties, when I sold aluminum pots and pans, they were telling the same lie, and we tested the foods scientifically and proved that there was no trace of aluminum in any of the foods cooked in our pots and pans. And, if I hear of anyone repeating this lie in order to sell you brethren more expensive stainless steel cookware, I will disfellowship that person from God’s Church” (Hint from Heloise: take a dull aluminum pan. Stew some tomatoes in it. Just pour the cooked tomatoes into a bowl. Look at the shiny aluminum pan. Where did the oxidized aluminum go? Does this remind you of Galileo and HWA, oops, I mean the Pope?)

3) “Isn’t God’s healing wonderful? I felt a little cold coming on, had the ministers anoint and pray for me, and here it is two weeks later, and I’ve been completely healed of my cold. What a fantastic miracle!” (Unidentified Sophomore)

4) “Fellows, would Jesus Christ throw water balloons?” (Newly baptized Freshman)

5) “Men, you’re going to have to learn that when you let a little gas because you couldn’t quite make it to the bathroom on time, you need to be gracious about it and excuse yourself. It’s a perfectly natural thing that happens from time to time to all of us, and making crass remarks about it and then laughing about it shows no culture or class at all. Remember, we came to Ambassador College to learn how to live!” (Did he say a “little” gas? Most of the men’s dorms at AC were nothing more than giant fartatoriums! We were constantly having dorm meetings about this subject. To avoid crassness, a student with military medical training coined the expression “emitting flatus”, which not only took the campus by storm, but also made the situation worse!) (Dormitory Monitor)

6) “At Ambassador College, above all things, we’re sincere!” (GTA)

7) “When Christ returns, he’s going to send everyone back to their ancestral homelands. All the Jews will be sent to Israel, the Negroes will be sent to Africa, and the world will finally be in a state of racial tranquility!” (G. Waterhouse)

8) Underclassman to upperclassman: “Do you think it’s alright to have sex with your wife on the Sabbath?” Upperclassman: “Well, if you ask Dr. ———, he’ll tell you that he saves his for the Sabbath!”

9) Preface to a minister’s blatantly racist joke: “Brethren, I’ve got a little joke for you! And, before telling it to you, I tried it on some of our Colored Brethren, and they assured me that it was hilarious!” (Of course they did! The validity of their conversion was on line! Ever hear a minister say “You’ve just taken your spiritual temperature”?)

10) “I just bought a new car. This one should last me to the end!” (Senior approaching graduation)

11) “God punished me this morning! I didn’t get in my prayer and Bible Study when I got up, and when I went to start my car, the battery was dead!” (Student worker at AC Press)

12) “Did you hear about the 5 Pollocks who showed up at the Hall of Administration to see Mr. Armstrong yesterday afternoon? They claimed that they were the two witnesses!” (Bindery Supervisor at AC Press)

13) “Did you hear that X was disfellowshipped yesterday afternoon? Mr. —-said that it was the worst case of demon possession he’d ever seen! X actually had an anti-tank gun and the ammunition to use it on the Germans in case he didn’t make it to the place of safety.” (Roommate sharing news)

14) Question from someone with questionable reading skills at Bible Study: “Why did Ezekiel complain about having to eat human dung, and ask God if he couldn’t substitute animal dung?” The minister then went into a complex explanation involving the human digestive system which filters out more impurities than would an animal’s. He failed to point out that Ezekiel was not told to eat the dung, he was told to use it as fuel for cooking his food. to dramatize the extent of a famine!”

15) “I just can’t understand some of our brethren! The minister tells them that McDonald’s french fries are cooked in lard, but they lust so badly for them that they’ve just got to go out and get their little bit of unclean meat in!”

16) “Brethren, the church has got a new gauge to measure how converted you all are. You see, it used to be that the people with sales-like outgoing personalities were considered to be the most converted. But from now on, the measure of your conversion is going to be whether you listen and do as the ministers tell you to do.” (Preaching Elder)

17) “For those of you who don’t believe that God is ultimately the one in control, consider how he uses Satan! Satan is a kind of spiritual vacuum cleaner, who goes around trying to see who he can shake loose, and make to fall away from God’s Church!” (Richard Plache)

18) And, finally, although this is not a quotation, there was a young man who purchased an electric guitar while at Ambassador College. He compiled a list of songs with allegedly objectionable lyrical content, such as “Louie Louie”, and “In the Midnight Hour.” He then attempted to teach himself to sing and play these songs for an Attack speech at Ambassador Club. But, alas, he was no musician, and rock ‘n’ roll attacked him! (I play, but was not that young man. No matter how indoctrinated I became, I never would have attacked something which was such a wonderful anesthetic that helped me survive my Ambassador years! And, no, I’ll never reveal the identity of the wannabe rock ‘n’ roller, or the flatus emitters described above, either.)

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