SPYING IN THE NAME OF GOD

The Worldwide Church of God’s (WCG) rise from country-bumpkin church to eminence as a super-media cult is a fascinating financial success story. Starting in 1934 with a handful of backwoods country folk and barely enough money to subsist on, Herbert Armstrong proceeded to build a powerful fundamentalist church that garners more money per year than Billy Graham’s and Oral Roberts’ organizations combined.

In the early years the going was rough and the rewards few and far between. Herbert’s efforts to build a large, stable church met one defeat after another, according to his autobiography. As soon as he gathered a group of followers in a city and turned his evangelizing efforts to another area, the first group fell apart. When he turned a group over to another minister whom he supposed he could trust, he claimed the minister suddenly became disloyal to him and turned the members of the group against him.

Partly because of these frustrations, Herbert decided to found a college to train men for the ministry who would remain loyal to him and his church. He reasoned that if he took young, impressionable minds and taught them the Bible according to his viewpoint, they would believe exactly like him, remain loyal to him, and enthusiastically assist him in proclaiming his unique gospel message. He was absolutely right.

During the 1950s his college-Ambassador College (AC)-produced a number of young, zealous, unswervingly loyal assistants made over into his image who adopted his teachings unquestioningly on practically everything. These men began to share Herbert’s dreams and preach his message with fervency, but they were also haunted by his main fear: that of having loyal, tithe-paying church members-in whom they had invested time and money-leave the church over doctrines or follow some other religious leader or a disaffected member.

As AC and the local churches fathered by Herbert grew, the WCG leaders realized that they must never allow questioning of the church’s basic doctrines and policies or criticism of the Armstrongs and the ministry, lest the church be split into small warring factions, as had happened several times in the early history of Herbert’s church. Thus they attempted to cow the members into submission to their authority with intimidating statements that went something like: “To doubt is to be damned”; “Questioning doctrines is of the Devil”; “If you don’t obey God’s true servants and his apostle Herbert Armstrong, you will eventually be thrown into hell fire and burned up for all eternity!”

Still the WCG leadership realized that all members couldn’t be intimidated by words. The leadership sensed it had to also possess the ability to detect and take effective action against any who dared threaten the corporate entity. So, feeling a need to preserve Herbert’s church at all costs-but lacking a basic appreciation of their fellow man-the WCG leaders initiated a variety of malignant spying practices throughout the church and Ambassador College to insure that they would keep absolute control of the lives and minds of the AC students, faculty members, and church members. These methods, without exception, work at cross purposes with man’s inalienable rights while showing little love for those unsuspecting people subjected to them.

Keeping Tabs on Fellow Students. When new students first set foot on the campus of Ambassador College-called “God’s College”-they were embarking on an experience that was destined to change their beliefs, their values, and even their appearance. They were to be made over in the Armstrong image. The 1968-69 Student Handbook, describes what AC intended to do to the student:

“You are about to embark upon a most important phase of your life. At Ambassador College you will become conditioned for a new profession and a new social behavior to correspond to that profession” (p. 11, emphasis ours).

The WCG leaders weren’t kidding when they wrote about reconditioning each student. The college officials in the 1950s and 60s took it upon themselves to manage every aspect of a student’s life. They told Joe and Jane Student when to get up in the morning, how to make their beds, how long to pray, how to dress, whom they could date, how many times per year they could date an individual, which social functions they must attend, and when to go to bed. College officials did their level best to get to know each and every student: what was going on in each student’s mind, what his deepest problems and hangups were, his past sex problems, etc.

But the college administrators didn’t stop with this. They went so far as to encourage AC students and employees to spy and report on each other, especially if someone deviated even slightly from the strict policies of the WCG, which controls AC. They also appointed dormitory monitors to keep a watchful eye on the students. The monitors filled out and submitted special cards to the dean’s office on students’ attitudes, social life, prayer habits, spiritual condition, and study habits. The Student Handbook (1968-69) discussed a monitor’s responsibilities:

“Each dormitory is staffed with a House Monitor, a Monitor for each floor or apartment, and assistants in each room…. These students are dedicated to the ideals of the college and to serving you…. It is your responsibility as a Monitor to get to know ALL the students; to help and encourage them insofar as you are qualified, and be able to refer them to the proper channel for guidance; to see that the students are obeying college rules… to write a weekly report which is due at the Dean of Students’ Office at 8:00 A.M. every Monday; to check sign out cards and record violations; to turn in special monitor reports on individuals who have significant problems or who have made special progress. (p. 52).

AC administrators required female students to sign out and sign in when they left their dorm and returned. They had to list their destination and the name of their male escort. The administration publicly claimed these cards were filled out only so a student could be found in case of an emergency. Yet the cards were eventually turned in to the dean’s office for evaluation, enabling the college to keep tabs on who dated who and how often. If a student insisted on ignoring AC’s dating rules, he could be dismissed for displaying a “bad attitude” and for failing to obey God’s “servants.”

College students and employees, as well as WCG members, were encouraged in college forums and assemblies to divulge their deepest problems to WCG ministers, who often doubled as AC administrators. Those who didn’t get the hint to voluntarily become a “known quantity” to the administration were sometimes called in, often because other students had reported them for such “sins” as listening to rock music, holding hands with the opposite sex, sleeping too late, not dating enough, or perhaps for not attending Friday night Bible study at the college.

When students counseled for baptism, they were encouraged-often by two ministers at a time-to reveal their innermost sins or problems to the ministry. Hesitancy to reveal everything (headquarters ministers often already had copies of local ministers’ “visit cards” loaded with information on the individual) was invariably met with a psychological assault against the individual’s personality. The attack always focused on the individual’s declared or undeclared “vanity,” and information already in the files was introduced in a roundabout manner so as to make the minister appear almost omniscient. The student quickly became a “known quantity” to the administration. Facts gleaned in these counseling sessions were committed to memory and often reduced to writing, only to emerge again in “manpower meetings.”

AC’s Manpower Committee. As the student body burgeoned, it became tougher for the college directors to get to know each student. So a “manpower committee” was instituted in 1961 to discuss graduating students’ merits and demerits to enable the AC/WCG leaders to decide whom to employ. These meetings allowed 15 to 30 college faculty members and department heads to assemble and discuss intimate, confidential material that each one of them had garnered on individual students from counseling sessions, dorm reports, etc. Often the characteristics that seemed to carry the most weight were a person’s dating habits, nationality, physique, past emotional or sexual problems, or the “spiritual” condition of his family. (Be sure to read “The Manpower Papers.”)

What was said about a student in manpower meetings often determined whether or not he would be hired by the WCG or AC. Many a student was denied the job he had his heart set on because of certain evidence that was uncovered from his past life and discussed in these meetings. In the late 1960s, however, those who survived the close scrutiny of the manpower committee had to face yet another test.

Lie Detector Tests. In late 1968 some money and a few other items were stolen from AC’s men’s dormitories. The following week, in a sermon and later in a student assembly, Herbert Armstrong sternly commanded the guilty party to step forward, pronouncing a curse on any guilty person who didn’t. Not a soul dared.

Obviously infuriated that no one would confess, Herbert Armstrong authorized administering a lie detector test to all of AC’s male students. An AC graduate recounted his gruesome experience:

“Each student was notified when to come over to the second floor of what is now the Library Annex for his examination. One day I received a note in my mailbox informing me I had to take the exam the following day at 3 p.m. The thought went racing through my mind: ‘If I flunk the test, I’ll be kicked out of God’s college, and I’m innocent. Psychologists say the lie detector test is accurate only 85% to 90% of the time. What if it is wrong and says I’m guilty?’ I tried to put those thoughts out of my mind, but I was still nervous. At last 3 p.m. arrived, and I stepped into the building on time-anxious to get it over with. Because the testing was behind schedule, however, I had to wait another 30 minutes, and I sweated every minute of it.

“Finally a security guard summoned me into the examination room. I was seated in a chair and had devices attached to me. I felt like I was being put into the electric chair to be executed. I was asked a set of questions over and over for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, it was over. Still shaken, I went back to my dorm thanking God that the machine had told the truth. This was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. It was as though I was guilty until proven innocent.”

Unfortunately, some were never proven innocent. One barrel-chested weightlifter type failed the polygraph exam three times. This person did not fail because he was lying or because he had stolen anything. He failed because he had extremely high blood pressure, and the trauma of the test only exacerbated his bona fide medical condition. Nonetheless, he was never given a position of “responsible” employment by the church or college, in spite of the fact that he had given many thousands of dollars in tithes and offerings. Extreme as this abuse may sound, another individual was actually expelled from college after taking the lie detector test. Notice what was written about him in the “manpower notes” taken at manpower meetings:

“He was recently given a lie detector’s test which shows him to be a liar and a thief, but since the test is not infallible, and he staunchly maintains his innocence, we cannot be sure that he is a thief and liar. The lie detector only records conscious thought, however, and he was grilled for more than eight hours…” (vol. III, p. 68, emphasis ours).

Shortly after his dismissal from the WCG and AC, the former Dean of Students (who presided over the 1968-69 polygraph period) related that hidden cameras were employed during this time. He mentioned that video tape equipment caught students smoking cigarettes and even masturbating. Two-way mirrors were utilized at the institution to catch students “stealing” milk and beer. Special identifying dyes that would not show up on one’s hands until a few minutes after contact with the object that was coated with the dye were also used in student surveillance.

Keeping Tabs on Church Members. The WCG officials applied their “big brother” tactics not only at AC but also in their churches worldwide via Ambassador College trained ministers inculcated with a dorm-monitor mentality. Ministers were instructed, primarily by Rod Meredith, to visit each and every church member regularly and check up on their “spiritual” condition and their family lives. David Jon Hill, in a visiting program meeting on Dec. 16, 1962, explained how a minister should prepare to visit a WCG member:

“Plan the procedure of your visit before you arrive at your destination. Discuss with your second man a little of the background-what you know about the problems of the household, etc.”

Following a visit with a member or prospective member, the minister was required to fill out a “visit card” on each household or person he visited and mail it to AC in Pasadena for filing. Rod Meredith went so far as to tell prospective ministerial trainees in a 1970 speech class that they should never visit a member and then go to their car and fill out a visit card on the member in front of his home, but rather they should drive out of sight around the comer before filling out the card. Notice Meredith’s explicit instructions to ministers regarding how to report a visit:

“Enclosed is a supply of the new Visiting Cards…. Ideally, the cards should be filled out immediately after the visit in your car. Perhaps down the street and around the corner…. Think carefully and describe the highlights of the visit, the problems and attitudes…. If deep problems and complications arise, you may wish to type an additional ‘Problem Report’ on any one person or family occasionally…. Normally two carbons of these should be made and sent to Headquarters- one for us and one for the District Superintendent…” (ministerial letter, 12/24/65, pp. 2-3).

Surprisingly, the normally staid, placid WCG membership became extremely irritated by constant ministerial “pry and spy” visits. The visits raised such a furor that a four-page article by Garner Ted Armstrong was written to all members rebuking-you guessed it-the members for their attitudes, not the ministry. The article, titled “The Visiting Program… or Gestapo… Which?” opened with the question, “Are Christ’s servants on the Visiting Program brethren, or spies? Are they sent to ‘check up’ on you, to ‘watch’ you-or to serve and help you?” (The Good News, May 1964, p. 3.) Garner Ted admitted that some families would not answer the door when WCG ministers dropped by and others were “secretive with the men on the Visiting Program.” He confessed that disrespect for the visiting program was a “serious problem” and asked the members what they had to hide-all but implying that the ministers were indeed searching for something.

Deacons Spied Too. The AC graduates that became ordained WCG ministers took the “watchdog” attitude that permeated AC with them into local churches all over the world. They bequeathed this heinous “watch your brother” system to the deacons under them. One New Jersey deacon, a long-time WCG member, explained how deacons were used for spying:

“A few years after becoming a member of the Worldwide Church of God I was ordained a deacon. At the time I thought it was about the greatest event of my life, but sad to say I found out in later years that it only drove me deeper into a very misguided and somewhat corrupt organization.

“…Shortly after my ordination I was informally told by my minister and some of the local elders that part of my responsibility was to keep them informed about the behavior of the members that I came in contact with. My minister directly told me that I and other deacons were his eyes and ears since he could not possibly keep in contact with all of his people all of the time.

“Some of the things we were to watch out for were bad attitudes, lack of study and prayer, not keeping the Sabbath or for that matter any disagreement with Worldwide Church policies or doctrines. One of the worst offenses anyone could commit was to bad-mouth a minister or anyone in authority, especially Herbert W. or Garner Ted Armstrong.

“Many of the local elders and deacons would carry a notebook and jot down anything they saw that was not in accordance with WCG teachings. This information was then passed on to the minister for his evaluation and action.

“My wife was also told by a local elder that as a deacon’s wife she also should circulate about the congregation and if per chance anything was picked up along these lines to let her husband know about it…

“With the information that I gathered and passed on via telephone or verbally, I myself caused many a visit to be paid on members by a minister or local elder… As you no doubt know, attendance of members at services was checked each week by us, and if some were delinquent too often, a visit was made by a minister….

“It was not uncommon for a husband or wife to turn his or her spouse in for some infringement of church policy or doctrine, and if the crime was bad enough, a visit from a Minister would follow….

“I was guilty of many of the things mentioned, and I can only say that I look back in disgust and regret to what I had allowed myself and family to become. I only hope that those I affected will forgive me even if they don’t know I prayerfully asked for forgiveness….”

The Spying Methods Change. In the early 1970s, to save money, the WCG ministry was instructed to visit people only if they requested it. Garner Ted Armstrong discontinued the manpower meetings because ” ‘the manpower’ committee meetings have become more and more a waste of time for the majority of those attending, and only partially useful in practical placement of personnel.” He explained that “it will be no handicap whatever for various departments to obtain useful information about prospective employees….” Garner Ted also announced that he had had the Dean’s extensive file of student dorm report cards burned, and he banned the dorm report-card system. In addition he threw the AC coeds a sop when he stated that a woman didn’t have to report who her male escort was on the dorm sign-out cards.

Just when the casual AC observer began to think AC’s nosy, “I am my brother’s keeper whether he likes it or not” attitude was mellowing, the AC directors, unknown to outsiders, were already busily utilizing new, more sophisticated methods of monitoring the behavior of their unsuspecting students and brethren.

Tithe Checks. In early 1968 Rod Meredith toured AC’s new data processing center. Discovering to his pleasant surprise that the computer listed every contribution donated by an individual, he ordered Dan Porter from that day forward to check the tithe and donation records of all prospective ministers and of all ministers due to be elevated in rank. The ministry was notified of this new policy in a March 1, 1968, ministerial letter from Rod Meredith.

AC’s computer soon proved to be everyone’s favorite new toy. Though it didn’t address the ministers with the “Mister” they were accustomed to, it gave them something the holy spirit never did-insight into the real attitudes of the “dumb sheep” (HWA’s term for the WCG members) that they “watched” over.

As time passed, the ministry consulted their new-found crystal ball more and more frequently. The tithing records of whole church areas were subsequently checked via the computer.

Curtailment of Freedom of Speech and Religion at AC. Freedom of speech and religion has always been restricted at AC. While a student can belong to another church, he is quickly reported by the “system” if he discusses personal beliefs that differ with those of the WCG. Some have even been kicked out of college for talking too frequently about their beliefs.

In late 1973 and early 1974, college officials and members actively spied on the private lives of AC employees and WCG members. One official memorandum (document AR-147) reported that “on Sunday cars with Ambassador College parking stickers were seen parked at Dr. Martin’s [a former AC faculty member] home.” Then the memo stated the name of one person whose car was parked there. The memorandum also stated that “films were taken by a member in San Marino… of people entering [the] YMCA [for a religious meeting]. We should be getting duplicates of film later on.”

In mid-1974, Jim Reed, a member of AC’s data processing department, went to a religious meeting not sanctioned by AC. Spies reported it, and the next day he discovered a note attached to his apartment door. The note was from his supervisor, telling him not to bother reporting for work the next day. Several other AC employees and students were dismissed for religious beliefs they espoused or for attending non-WCG religious meetings. Numerous affidavits to this effect are currently on file with the Department of Health, Education, and Welfare in San Francisco and can be summoned under the Freedom of Information Act by interested parties.

An affidavit on file with the General Services Administration in San Francisco (dated May 12, 1976) delineates an eyewitness account verifying spying by church officials:

“It was then that… a ‘close aide’ of Garner Ted Armstrong was dispatched with the knowledge and approval of G. T. Armstrong to see if I or any other AC employees were attending Dr. Martin’s lectures. On February 8, 1975… [the aide] parked his van across the street from the lecture hall. Then a photographer in the back went to work. He peaked out through curtains covering the side window, and began snapping picture after picture of those entering the lecture hall. My wife, young son, and I… passed directly in front of the camera. On other occasions, both before and after the above incident… [the aide] and various accomplices ‘staked out’ Dr. Martin’s lectures.”

Several AC/WCG employees and ministers even related to this writer that they strongly suspected their phones were being bugged. They have good reason to suspect it. According to the U.S. Attorney General’s office, “eavesdropping” on telephone conversations is not illegal, since it implies the consent of one of the parties of the conversation and/or the owner of the phone. Ambassador College, as registered owner of the institution’s pervasive Centrex system, has implied consent to eavesdrop on any conversation on any phone paid for by the college-and that includes all the Centrex phones in the homes of college and church executives. Technically this practice-if the college should choose to employ it-is beyond prosecution.

Ambassador Report has also discovered that both Herbert and Garner Ted Armstrong have electronic eavesdropping devices in their fourth-floor office suites that enable them to secretly listen in on classroom lectures. More than one faculty member has been dismissed from the college under somewhat questionable rationale. The verification of such a listening device lends credence to the worst of suspicions.

The Ministerial Masters. Both the Armstrongs live their lives in continual danger-the danger of discovery. Any unplanned emergence of the truth about their personal lives and practices could severely cripple their capacity to generate more financial resources. They have never minimized the danger of this possibility and are continually on guard to protect their own manufactured facade, as well as their church’s. The fact that the Armstrongs and their hierarchy are accountable to individual members-who in many cases have given their life’s savings to the church-is viciously contested and constantly downplayed by the Worldwide Church of God, Inc. There is, however, little danger that the members would attempt to expose their shenanigans to the national press because members are basically unaware of how the church is run and what the personal lives of its leaders are like.

The Armstrongs do fear, though, that high-ranking executives who know “what’s going on” will quit in disgust and leak “negative information” to the press-as several have already done. Anticipating this eventuality, the Armstrongs have initiated executive spying.

The Spy Orders. Ambassador Report has in its possession documents that absolutely verify the use of covert spying by members of the WCG administration against other top executives of that same organization. The first paragraph of one such document, AR-531, makes it clear that Garner Ted personally ordered the probing:

“Mr. GTA asked me to inquire of ministers attending the Cincinnati campaign concerning the recent regional meetings held in Cincinnati and Richmond. The following is the result…. The meetings were conducted by David Antion and Ed Smith… Several said they felt that there was a ‘powerful spirit’ working in the meetings. The following statements are reported to have been made by DAVID L. ANTION during the meetings on Monday, February 25: 1. The church governmental structure is all wrong….”

The informant went on to note telephone calls, classify the nature of these calls, and even the manner in which information was introduced in the meetings, carefully detailing inferences, implications, and emotional content. The report went on to monitor another meeting, noting and recording the names of those present and the length of the meeting. The report was terminated after a similar analysis of a third meeting.

A second report that was given to our staff, AR-313, is in the handwriting of a ranking executive/evangelist of the WCG. The executive recorded a large amount of defamatory information on a fellow evangelist in the church and submitted it personally to Herbert Armstrong. It begins:

“Dear Mr. Armstrong,

“X and others have recently brought to my attention certain information (facts) which is of such a nature that it must be brought to your and Mr. Ted Armstrong’s immediate attention…. we would be derelict in our duty if we didn’t inform you of the material in this report without further delay….”

The exhaustive, 19-page report claimed to present “incriminating” quotes from the mouth of a certain disliked evangelist and included testimony of over two dozen other executives. Every single one of the statements was levied against this minister behind his back! (Which scripture in the Bible justifies this treacherous treatment? Is this the way Christ intended his ministers to behave toward one another?) Almost no attempt was made to establish the context of the evangelist’s purported statements. Not only was the report biased, but the man was not given a chance to answer the charges against him-or even told that charges against him existed. The report even described his affection toward his children in a negative tone. It went on to accuse him of assaulting an individual at a sports event and in general took every opportunity to attack the man’s motives for certain internal judgments he had made on his job.

In promoting surreptitious monitoring of its executives, the institution is behaving like a shark that turns on its tail and begins to devour itself.

Thousands of loyal members have been forced out of the church by the suffocating Armstrong belief that God gave them the sole right to supervise and limit the flow of ideas into the minds of their members. The Armstrongs have on many occasions censored the views their students and members can be exposed to-especially concerning Bible doctrines. They feel they should choose the persons or groups their followers should associate with. In doing this they do not present themselves as the servants they purport to be (“minister” means “servant” in the New Testament). Instead they present themselves as ministerial masters. Anyone who opposes or differs with them is said to be against God and for Satan, and immediately the organization moves to rid itself of that individual-no matter how much he has given to the organization in time, service, and money. Such individuals are expendable pawns in a chess game to be used or sacrificed according to the Armstrongs’ whims.

The Armstrongs have played the corporate game well, succeeding where most fail. In fact, there has been nothing in the confines of organized religion they have been unable to accomplish-so long as they were not asked to love their fellow man. In that respect, however, they have failed miserably.

It’s a disgrace that the Armstrongs and certain leaders in the WCG have passed themselves off as God’s humble servants and preached about loyalty, love, and service while they were engaged in spying on church members, monitoring their lives, prying into their secret sins, and gossiping about, recording, and filing juicy tidbits they uncovered.

The Worldwide Church of God would be a refreshingly different church if its leading ministers would adhere to one biblical statement they seem to forget while spying on their employees and members: “The whole law is fulfilled in one word, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself'” (Galatians 5:14). But those who ignore that verse had better heed the following one: “But if you bite and devour one another take heed that you are not consumed by one another.”

Source.

Arrogance

While the actor Johnny Depp was still a bachelor, a single man asked him if he could give advice on dating and Johnny Depp’s response was something like:

Don’t ask me, I don’t know, I’m as screwed up as everybody else.

It’s a good honest answer of the sort we wish we could get from the leaders and ministers of the Cult of Herbert Armstrong: Herbert Armstrong never gave such answers himself — being a “know it all” kind of End Time Apostle — and his followers since have followed in the same rut he established decades ago in the last century, being full of instant answers backed by booklets, literature, magazines and websites of every stripe answering every kind of question and even answering quite a few that were never asked, projecting full confidence that their answers are all true, useful, scientific and unassailable.

The Cult of Herbert Armstrong is full of itself, puffed up in full arrogance, confident in its overweening ego, that the only truth is here with them and you dare not go anywhere else because, if you do, disasters will surely follow, you will be in deep trouble, you will have terrible problems, living in want and fear with no one to rescue you: You will be sorry, because you should have listened! The entire venue is designed to put you in fear so you will submit to the superiority of those who dominate and manipulate you. These self-made Gurus are experts in every subject — at least every subject of any importance. They are the only ones with wisdom and knowledge of any use.

These arrogant Gurus suck you in with something you’ve never thought of, attracting you with curiosity, snaring you initially with something you agree and believe in, gaining your trust with something familiar and then leading you down the primrose path of kook insanity.

Here is an analogy which may help you understand the process:

The world is NOT Flat!!!! We can prove that the earth is absolutely NOT Flat!!!! Brethren (gaining your trust by sucking you into the conspiracy of the brotherhood), you KNOW what I am saying is true!!!! You KNOW I have the truth!!!! You all know (making you part of a collective) the Earth is not flat!!!! People who tell you the earth is flat are WRONG!!!! They know it is wrong, yet they continue to spread this terrible lie!!! I can prove the world is not flat!! You know what I say is true!!! Haven’t you wondered about this truth???!!!? Have you proved it for yourself???!!!?? Write for our free booklets, The Earth is NOT Flat and Seven Proofs the Earth is not Flat! You need this information, never brought to you before!! For 1900 years, this truth has been hidden — a few have known — but now you can know!!! There is no obligation, no one will call on you — it is all free of charge.

Now you know the world is not flat, but did you know that the sun revolves around the earth???!!!??? You may not have thought about it, but you see it every day: The sun comes up over the horizon of the round earth and runs its course in the heavens and sets in the West!!! You’ve never heard this truth before! Scientists are trying to cover this up! But don’t believe me, believe your Bible! The Earth is round and it is in the center of the Universe because God has chosen us to make us gods! I am the only one with this truth! You can become God as God is God, but only if you believe in the truth of key to Godhood, which is that the sun revolves around the earth!!!! Be sure to write for our free booklet, You can become God because the Sun Revolves Around the Earth!

This is all delivered with confidence to the point of arrogance so you will believe that he believes and in believing he believes, you will believe.

Johnny Depp said:

I think everybody’s nuts.

There may be some truth to that.

Consider the absolute arrogance of a man who belongs to an organization and then begins to think that he, and he alone, has been touched by God with an understanding that no one else has, and his mission is now to go forth to preach this new truth to everyone, no matter how silly and stupid it is. Often, this “revelation” is accompanied by a psychotic break, leading to the manic phase of the bipolar disease cycle. This self-styled Guru will insist that he was humbled — a recounting of his initial depression — where he was nothing but “burned out junk”, but when the manic phase kicks in, he will be able to recount the “joy” that his God has renewed him and given him a spirit of understanding that others do not have. And then we are off and running.

Even as unqualified as our new Guru may be, steeped in arrogant incompetence, he manages to dig himself deeper into his pit of arrogance studying without any real understanding of subjects he’s undertaken in his pursuit of his new “truth”. He’s already lost his business / job. He is mentally incapacitated. Yet he is self-deluded that he’s been given brilliance given to him by the endorphins stimulated by sleep deprivation in his manic mode. He has “up” times and he has “down” times. Sometimes the “down” times leave him in such a state of depression he can’t even get out of bed, or, if he does, he won’t be up until mid afternoon. He can disappear and be unavailable for weeks at a time, shunning human contact or at least severely limiting it. After months of this, he finally emerges fully engaged in arrogant narcissism to take on the world as some new savior just emerging from his cocoon. He then thunders his message to the world. Or if he’s like Robert Thiel, he does significant squeaking.

The problem is that arrogance is infectious, like a virus that mutates as it is transmitted from person to person. Once caught, the arrogance does its damage and often becomes chronic. Now when it is transmitted from Guru to simple follower it is transmogrified to be an arrogance that the follower now knows special secret knowledge — but much less than the Guru. This sort of infection makes the follower proud, but it also propels him or her to infect others, but in the process, the followers do not gain infected followers for themselves, but direct the newly diseased to the Guru.

Moreover, the Guru, finding a modest success in infecting others through his arrogance and making them arrogant themselves, but still subservient to him as “Patient Zero”, he trains some of a small cadre of followers in his special laboratory of infectious virtual mental disease to be special carriers of the virus of arrogance. These manifest the disease with different symptoms: They are special and seize arrogant power over the followers of the Guru while remaining in his domain of disease. They lord it over the followers as being superior by virtue of the fact that they know more crap than the follower simpletons do and the followers are impressed with the advanced qualities of the leaders as being superior to them.

It should be noted that this sort of arrogance of ignorance is widely spread. According to the Watchers of Deniers, scientific literacy has reached ever plunging lows showing that United States Adults and Students believe:

  1. Sound travels faster than light (14%);
  2. Disagree that the center of the earth is very hot (20%);
  3. Disagree that the Earth goes around the Sun once a year (33%);
  4. Disagree that astrology is not at all scientific (41%);
  5. Think antibiotics kill viruses as well as bacteria (45%);
  6. Think that ordinary tomatoes do not have genes but genetically  modified tomatoes do (49%).

According to the article — to be much more clear — one-third of of American Adults / Students believe the Sun revolves around the Earth.

Really.

They believe.

33%

We’re stunned.

Very disturbing.

Imagine if you must, how much damage an arrogant Guru can do?

Imagine if you must, how much damage an arrogant Guru can do by inducing his followers to believe in British Israelism as the Key to Prophecy — managing to get all of the prophecies wrong — but having the followers believe that he is the End Time Elijah, which we must point out, that Elijah was a prophet, so no matter how you slice it, Herbert Armstrong actually was a false prophet.

There is, however, a built in mechanism to defend the arrogance of the leader, authorities and followers against being inoculated with the truth: Bald face arrogant lies. The Fragmentation of a Sect: Schism in the Worldwide Church of God by Dr. David V. Barrett quotes Richard Nichols, Herbert Armstrong and Richard T. Rittenbaugh to show how this works:

The offshoots deal with the problem of Armstrong’s failed prophecies in different ways. Richard C. Nickles, of Giving and Sharing Ministry, quotes Armstrong himself from an early World Tomorrow radio broadcast:

A terrible famine is coming on the United States, that is going to ruin us as a nation inside of less than twenty more years. Alright, I stuck my neck out right there. You just wait twenty years and see whether I told you the truth. God says, if a man tells you what’s going to happen, wait and see. If it doesn’t happen, he was not speaking the word of God, he’s speaking out of his own mind. If it happens, you know God sent him.

Nickels comments, “The twenty years is long past! Herbert Armstrong labeled himself a false prophet.”

But Richard T. Ritenbaugh, of the Church of the Great God, comes to a different conclusion. Although he accepts that Armstrong “made many predictions during his ministry, and many of them have not come to pass. Some were plain wrong. Some were vague. Some were specific,” he then argues:

So what are all those predictions Herbert Armstrong made? Rather than call them prophecies (which they were not) and him a false prophet (which he was not), his predictions were more correctly speculations, theories based on true but insufficient and unclear evidence. Speculation is not sin.

It is if you sign it “In Jesus’ Name”.

Richard T. Rittenbaugh.

Liar.

What a Dick.

At minimum, a religious leader that makes wild prognostications [make that read: Prophecies] which do not come to pass, simply cannot be trusted to get anything right [make that read: Is a false prophet]. Read 1975 in Prophecy again [published in 1956] and if you aren’t embarrassed to have believed it at some point, there’s something seriously wrong with you.

It is arrogance that moves the leaders to declare that white is black, black is white, lies are truth, truth is lies, love is hate, hate is love, poverty is prosperity, prosperity is poverty, speculation isn’t prophecies and that failed prophecies don’t make a man a false prophet, but it gets worse, because if it were just the arrogance of the leaders, the membership would bolt like scared rabbits.

It is arrogance that keeps the members in place, even after their leader is proved to be wrong, a false prophet, crazy and even a convicted felon. Members of Ronald Weinland’s Church of God – Preaching the Kingdom of God (PKG) continue to not just follow him but continue to give him their money so his wife can go travelling, buy underwear from Victoria Secret and have all those diamonds she sports, even as he sits in prison for Income Tax Evasion as a convicted felon. He isn’t going anywhere for the next three years and neither are his followers. They believe in him. They lap up all the crap he spews at them. They won’t leave. They continue to defend him, even though his absolute set dates (multiple and progressive) for the return of Jesus Christ come and go, come and go and still, no Jesus. The next date is coming up less than 50 days from now. It too, will come and go, but the PKG membership will stay because of their infernal arrogance. They will not admit they are wrong. They will not change. They don’t stop following their false prophet proved wrong again and again. That takes a LOT of arrogance.

1956

History has repeated itself: You just wait twenty years and see whether I told you the truth. God says, if a man tells you what’s going to happen, wait and see. If it doesn’t happen, he was not speaking the word of God, he’s speaking out of his own mind. If it happens, you know God sent him. The only thing that is different is the time period. Ronald Weinland said essentially the same thing. He’s proved himself a false prophet. Since the other Cult of Herbert Armstrong sects have been making the same prophecies (but most don’t set specific dates — it’s always 5 to 7 years away), they too are false prophets. Ronald Weinland is just one who’s the worst one caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Roderick Meredith has been able to be a false prophet for 60 years — a record hardly anyone in the CoHA sects can rival, but he keeps going on and on and on (he may die shortly, so if he does before this article is published, I apologize, but, after all, I didn’t prophesy it, one way or another).

The arrogance of the leaders and the membership is asinine, but one man, Dixon Cartwright, has put together The Journal which manages to keep the arrogance alive and prosper in one place. He knows that most of the stuff in the rag is pure drivel, but he publishes it anyway. He gives nearly everyone to have a dialog, even though it should be obvious they are spewing. The Journal actively supports and promotes arrogance in its own way, to keep the arrogance alive, thereby giving the arrogant advertisers opportunity to promote their emphatic empathy entropy and the writers an opportunity to have arguments which are totally meaningless given that the assumptions upon which they are based are quite daft. There is month after month, page after page publications of stupidity disguised as arrogant confidence.

No one is about to give up the arrogance. It holds everything and everybody in place. It is the glue that holds the cultists together, except they aren’t glued together, they are screwed together — but they are too bull headed to admit there’s anything wrong with their wrong headed religion. It can’t work and it doesn’t, but they aren’t about to admit it because of their arrogance, so the dysfunctional disease continues unabated. A few escape, but often it takes quite a lot at the personal level to prompt them to leave when they get to the point they just can’t stand it any more.

And after they do leave, they look back at the arrogant “friends” and “family” they left behind, with their glorious erstwhile leaders, and see, even if not perceive, the great arrogance of the cult which held them prisoners for so long.

There are over 7 billion people on planet earth. Each one of us is just a small part of a giant crowd. Very few rise to the level of being noticed — but what if, what if, you had something that distinguished you as special? Suppose you had secret knowledge? Suppose that you were one of just a small few that was selected of God to have truth that no one else has? Suppose that you could feel different, special, superior? Suppose that you are so very special that you have the entitlement to be arrogant? Suppose you will become a king, priest, god, to lord over all your former critics, enemies and those who don’t even notice you, let alone pay any attention to you? You can now ignore science. You can now ignore the experts. You can now ignore anyone who disagrees with you. You can remain confident that you are better than anyone else (except your Guru and his appointees) and no one can tell you anything. You are right and everyone else is wrong. You are better. You are superior. Soon, the whole world will see how special you are. You will be validated. You are a winner!

This is really heady stuff. It is the stuff of arrogance. It is for losers.

If you need to know, the earth is not flat and the earth revolves around the sun.

The rest you should be able to figure out for yourself if you’re not too arrogant.

Great Beaver Island

Troy Fitzgerald. From his blog


Part 1 – The Dog Beavers of Dam God

Introduction

These are the chronicles of events on Great Beaver Island as witnessed by Josephus Macintosh, former curator of The Great Dam Museum and Chief Navigator and Negotiator during The Great Expeditions of Great Beaver Island during the final decades of the third millennium.

1 – The Great Dam Genesis

In the decades before the earth ushered in the fourth millennium and The Great New World, hidden deep in the belly of The Great New Ocean stood a very special island and a wondrous wooded water world constructed by giant beavers. After The Great Light carried The Great Dam God into the clouds and he sent The Great Flood, most of the creatures were swallowed by the mountain waves.  Those few who survived The Great Flood reunited at the top of the tallest mountain, rich with rivers, lakes and jungle forests.

The Great Beaver, which Dam God mixed with the Great Ape before The Great Light, were created in the image of Dam God and they grew nearly as tall as Dam God. They were powerful swimmers and had the strength to move and climb great trees. They were considered the most intelligent creatures to survive The Great Flood.

Having been crossed with the Great Ape, some Great Beavers began climbing and swinging from trees, which lead to experimentation with tree lodge construction using large branches, leaves, moss, and hemp rope. While more and more beavers would swing from trees and lodge in trees — particularly younger beavers — most were still far more comfortable in traditional dams and lodges preferring to stick to the rivers and lake they were used to.

The Great Beavers took control and restored order on the island. They began organizing into communities and started rebuilding the island which had been wiped clean of life by The Great Flood. None of the beavers living there had lived there before the flood.  After they had constructed The Great Dams of Glory, they declared the next seven days The Great Dam Days of Genesis — or Dam Days for short — and celebrated day and night. On the seventh day, which they called The Great Last Dam Day, they had an enormous celebration of rebirth, then, they dedicated Great Beaver Island to the glory of Dam God and set fire to a portion of the debris fields as an offering of thanksgiving to Dam God.

2 – The Great Dam Apple of Dam God

When the great floating debris fields started to arrive after The Great Flood, the beavers started naming them and what became Macintosh Field was one of the first to arrive. It was the most important debris field in the history of the island for in that field they discovered The Great Dam Apple of Dam God and the mysterious Apple spoke the language of Dam God. The Great Elders placed The Great Dam Apple on The Great Dam Altar at the top of what became The Great Dam Falls at Mount Macintosh.

The Great Army of the Elders guarded The Great Dam Apple with their lives — some dying in battle to defend it — until The Great Spirit of Dam God left the Apple and it never came back to life.  It took the Great Elders years to decode the messages of The Great Dam Apple and the language of Dam God, before it died, but once they had, the language swept the island. Within a matter of years the beavers had all but forgotten the language of their ancestors. As their mastery of Dam God’s language grew and they made more discoveries in the fields, their understanding of the many ways of Dam God exploded, too.

3 – The Great Debris of Dam God

Great Beaver Island was positioned in such a way that floating debris from the flood — which was carried from all corners of the earth by the fierce currents and fiercer winds — passed by the island and could be captured by specially trained crews and equipment. Most of the debris was believed that of Dam God, and it was of tremendous value to the beavers.  It was believed The Great Flood had chewed the mansions of Dam God and spit out what it did not need and this was like treasure and gifts from Dam God.  Beavers would often sneak onto the debris fields as it became their only way to feel truly connected to The Great Dam God. The government sold The Great Debris of Dam God at grand auctions in lieu of charging higher taxes. Conspiracy theories and scandal surrounding the auctions often dominated the island’s news.

Most items of value were recovered when the debris fields first arrived, but crews could get behind for weeks or months. In an attempt to avoid losing opportunities to collect The Great Debris of Dam God, the fields would be tied together before processing and they could go for miles, tossed about by the churning waves. Despite the dangers, daring and clever beavers would sneak onto the fields and loiter for days or longer. On occasion, the debris fields would break loose in the rough waters before they could be processed and many beavers — believed to be loitering on the fields — went missing at those times.

The dead creatures found in the fields were recovered by the crews of The Great Guard of Honor, carried to the top of Mount Macintosh and ceremoniously thrown over The Great Cliff of the Unknown at sunset and they would observe a moment of silence before to pay respect. It was believed that many were bodies that had been possessed by Dam God before The Great Light, but they were thrown over the cliff with the others bodies for nobody could be sure.

Many items from the fields were preserved and placed in The Great Dam Museum and the curators developed a sophisticated system for storing and cataloging all items for expedient reference by scientists, scholars, students or any citizen of the island. Many beavers devoured the massive amounts of information day and night and then would pass on what they learned to their clans. The culture of the island revolved around experimentation with the customs and technology of Dam God. Self-expression, rather than conformity was encouraged. The beavers were gorging themselves on the exploration and exchange of information. Within a few generations beavers had adopted alternative lifestyles and worldviews that went against what was traditionally expected of beavers. The debris fields and the Dam Apple had opened up a large can of worms and it was called The Great Enlightenment of Dam God.

Specially trained crews would scour the horizon at The Great Sand Bars and with ropes and hooks fetch the fields of debris which were eventually floated into the giant cove on the north side of the island. Many beavers were lost in the early years after the flood — trapped, chewed and swallowed by the giant fields which could shift quickly in the rough waters that flowed from the north. The debris fields contained the most marvelous and magnificent objects ever seen. Crew members were said to become paralyzed after being hypnotized by the floating objects and would be crushed never knowing what hit them.  It was gruesome and dangerous work until they developed advanced retrieval systems. They called it The Great Debris of Dam God and every year at The Great Last Dam Day of The Great Dam Days of Genesis, they would burn a portion of the debris fields as an offering of sacrifice and thanksgiving to The Great Dam God.

The debris started piling up and the scientist believed hazardous toxins were being washed onto the beaches and beavers were dying from what was called The Great Dam God Fever. While those clans who were in the cults wanted to believe the fever was The Great Spirit of Dam God cleansing the soul, the scientists could prove that The Great Debris of Dam God was polluting the entire island and many beavers — whether they loved Dam God or not — were dying right and left. Something had to be done about The Great Debris of Dam God.

4 – The Great Dicks of Dam God

Over time, different beaver clans came to interpret the sacred text of Dam God, found in the debris fields, in very different ways, but the vast majority of beavers couldn’t care less about what another beaver might think about Dam God. While the explosion of language and discoveries in the debris fields kept the majority in a blissful state of self-discovery and experimentation, a troubling contingent of beavers began to adopt radical, extreme, fundamentalist, isolationist worldviews and started condemning their brother and sister beavers as worldly and unworthy of Dam God. The freedom-seeking, independent beavers of all ages would sneak onto the debris fields and spend days camping, reading, researching, experimenting, throwing dangerously harmless parties with music and dancing, and thinking for themselves — and the dog beavers of Dam God didn’t like it.

When dog beavers didn’t approve of what you believed or how you lived your life, they believed it was their primary, Dam God-given job to let you know. The vast majority of these dog beavers were members of the Dick clans. Some were Johnsons and Pricks, but most were Dicks. Some would even marry into the family and become Dicks themselves. Whether you were married to a Dick, Johnson or Prick, you were considered a Dick and dog beaver just the same. Most ended up leaving their Dick spouses and defecting from the clan and they share the most enraging, sad sack-of-crap stories a beaver could ever hear. Not every Dick was physically abusive, but just about every Dick was emotionally and verbally abusive, especially towards those they claimed to love. Dicks took everything for granted, but especially their own family. Some Dicks managed to escape the clan and changed their last name to avoid being mistaken for a Dick and they became dead to the Dicks.

If you thought science was witchcraft or believed you knew The Great Dam Truth of Dam God, you were likely a Dick or closely related to one.  If you thought it was your job to influence and manipulate what others believed about Dam God, there was no question you were a Dick. The Dick clans controlled much of what happened on Great Beaver Island and they fought to control more and more of every beaver’s daily life from what they believed, to what they ate, and even how they entertained themselves with other consenting beavers.

The self-righteous beavers’ most vocal adversaries called them “wild dog beavers” or just “dogs,” which was short for dogma. Dogma was born when Dam God rejected that The Great Mystery was, in fact, a mystery. The dog beavers were not just right in their own minds, they were righter than right could be and their sad dogma divided the island. They were convinced they were specially called by Dam God to know The Great Dam Truth and Will of Dam God. They would bark and snap at self-expressed unbelievers like wild dogs and couldn’t leave those who refused to accept their faith as fact alone.

They called an unbelieving beaver’s expression of disbelief in their worldview an act of persecution against them and screamed victim every time an unbeliever spoke. They were the great bullies of the island. They bred with bullies and bore more bullies than the island could bear. They would run in wild packs and corner the intellectually and emotionally less powerful. After luring them in with false acceptance, they would brutally molest their minds and emotions and take hostage of their souls. Many beavers lost their minds to the Dicks.

The Dicks argued that faith in their beliefs about Dam God was more powerful than fact, and was, in fact, fact.  That is to say they believed their Great Faith required no faith at all, for as to them, it was a proven fact. What appeared as cognitive dissonance to outside beavers — that is the holding of two opposing ideas as true — was to the Dicks the clear presence of the Great Spirit of Dam God.

They taught their children that so-called critical thought and questioning authority was as foolish as positive thinking and would make you go blind — even if you only tried it once. Most young Dicks kept their mouth shut, not because they believed they would go blind, but because they didn’t want to be accused of thinking a thought of their own, which was seen as a sure sign of rebellion to come.  Dicks would brutally paddle their young or shun them for years if they suspected they were thinking original thoughts. To the Dicks there was nothing more Dam-Godly than the control or manipulation of another beaver’s thoughts about Dam God, regardless of their age, but they particularly liked to focus on the teenage and elderly members of their families and communities.

The Giant Beaver’s inherent ingenuity and teamwork was declared “original sin” by the Dicks. They claimed all beavers were born with original sin due to The Great Fall of the First Beaver who ate The Great Rotten Apple from The Great Snake Lady rendering him nothing but cooperative. This natural but apparently evil impulse to find creative solutions and compromise with others was beaten and bred out of some of the most radical Dick clans, although the impulse never really went away. The Dicks were convinced these “cooperative tendencies” of some beavers — even some amongst them — was a threat to The Great Spread of The Great Faith, which they believed was The Great Will of Dam God.

5 – The Great Senate of Dicks

The Great Senate of Great Beaver Island was controlled by Dicks and they would fight among themselves, each claiming they stood for The Great Traditional Values, the same values believed embraced by Dam God. However, the Dicks could never agree on what traditional meant. They were unwilling to cooperate or compromise as making concessions, even to other Dicks, was waging war against Dam God. They even called other Dicks in the Senate who were more moderate, “demon-possessed do-gooders” because they would occasionally experiment with compromise behind closed doors. Though it went against their better nature, they thought concession was not a Dam God value and most Dam God scholars agreed.

The Dick senators could not efficiently manage the affairs of the island for they were too busy meeting the demands of those who financed their campaigns. Because the Senate had been controlled by Dicks for so long, beavers found themselves having to stand up for their rights, liberties and freedoms repeatedly. They would introduce laws that attempted to strip beavers of rights their great grandparents had died for at Mount Macintosh decades before, rights given to all beavers equally by Dam God.

The Great Supreme Court — which was controlled by Dicks much of the time as well — affirmed laws the Dick senators had passed allowing senators to accept unlimited amounts of dam gold from anonymous donors whether they were private individuals or not, claiming that donating dam gold was the same as free speech and a private matter. Most beavers came to believe they had no voice in the government anymore. Every time the island elected a senator who was not a Dick, the Dicks voted to redraw the district lines to get them voted out. The Dick senators used their positions of power to position themselves for future personal gain and most beavers began checking out of the political process, especially the younger beavers who prefered to spend their time on the debris fields. They would often throw parties on the fields and joke and share fantasies about how to get all of the Dicks to leave the island. However — all joking aside — every free, thinking beaver — including the younger beavers — knew they had to play a part in seriously solving what some called The Great Dick Debacle.

6 – The Great Dam Cults of Dam God

Most beavers were aware that churches had not existed since before The Great Light when Dam God was divided and battled against himself over The Great Mystery, when dogma was born. The churches existed to keep dogma alive but the churches were destroyed by Dam God’s great flood. The cults started to emerge once Dam God’s language came to the island and spread through the schools, but long before history could be known by the common beaver.

In the cults, beavers were conditioned from birth to feel guilty for being beavers, for even though Dam God created beavers and loved beavers, it was beavers who made The Great Dam God angry enough to drown all the creatures of the world  – young and old — in The Great Flood to demonstrate to future beavers how displeased he was with their natural ways. Most Dicks seemed overflowing with confidence, but in reality, it was just a mask as they were the most fearful, paranoid and insecure beavers on the island. Dicks wallowed in fear and self-doubt. They were brainwashed to believe Dam God only loved those beavers who learned to loathe themselves.

The cults never grew too large before they would fracture and split. The most sociopathic dog beavers would lead and train other sociopaths to lead any poor soul who would follow. However, the cult leaders were each addicted to grand illusions of their own calling, authority, and special discernment and would lead followers away to start their own cults deep in the bowels of the island. As a result, the cults were scattered.  Cult leaders were some of the nastiest Dicks on the island as they would scavenge for the meek and humble, which they called The Great Contrite Spirits and feed off their loneliness, guilt, shame and insecurities like ravenous, mad vultures. For those with eyes to see, it was a most vulgar site, indeed.

7 – The Great Dam Churches of Dam God

In studying the ancient texts from the debris fields, the dog beaver scholars came to believe the cults in the day of Dam God had much more appeal to the masses when they called themselves “churches,” congregated in large structures, were open to the public, played popular music and even danced. Until then, the cults had only met in cramped dens, were closed to the public, played unpopular music and would not dance. The sermons in the cults, they learned, were black and white and directly condemning of outsiders, whereas sermons in the churches were gray and only condemning of outsiders in vague and indirect ways. The dog beaver Dicks realized they had it backwards.

The Dicks started preaching that Dam God was a jealous god and expected all beavers to worship him, not as they had been doing in the secret dens of the cults, but just as Dam God had worshiped in the churches before The Great Light. They claimed Dam God provided dams for his glory and wanted his followers to congregate in large and spectacular dams of special design, constructed of special materials recovered from The Great Debris of Dam God. They claimed Dam God wanted his beavers to build these dam churches as monuments to Dam God and inside of these grand structures, beavers were to pray to Dam God, sing to Dam God, read the ancient text of Dam God — meddle in the affairs of other beavers in the name of Dam God — and before they leave to go home, Dam God wants a tenth of their dam gold for expanding the church, because nothing was more important to Dam God than getting as big as possible.

As it turned out, beavers were naturally drawn to large dams and lodges where there was good music, singing and dancing. They liked to be entertained and feel a sense of belonging and community. The Dick dog beavers used this knowledge and made a fortune in the name of Dam God building dam churches across the island preaching feel-good messages about Dam God’s love and mercy for beavers, the conditions for receiving Dam God’s love and mercy, and how to reserve a lodge at the coming Great Dam Utopia. The number of dam churches started to grow, but not fast enough for the Dicks. The Dicks wanted more. The Dicks always wanted more.

The Dicks pulled their kids out of private school and pooled their retirement funds to build The Great Dam Church of Dam God and it was the most spectacular dam church ever built. When most churches were happy to have dozens in attendance, The Great Dam Church of Dam God had over a thousand. They called it The Great Mega Church — or just The Mega — for they learned that’s what they called the biggest churches in the days of Dam God. Visitors to the island always had to stop to see the grand dam church even if they didn’t believe in Dam God. Most were impressed by its size and glory, but struggled with the irony of the masses of homeless beavers huddled at the abandoned food shelter next door. Offering plates were passed weekly and the dam gold was collected by The Great Priests of Dam God and traded to fund the construction of more dam churches and before long there was a grand dam church at every major crossroad on Great Beaver Island.

8 – The Great Dam Mansions of Dam God

Most of the priests in the churches were Dicks, but not all of them. The priests who were Dicks were known to also use the dam gold collected during church to construct what they called The Great Mansions of Dam God which they said they had to occupy as their residence for they were The Great and Humble Stewards of The Great Dam Mansions of Dam God and all that belonged to Dam God. The mansions were large enough to comfortably house a legion or four — or an equal number of homeless or poor  –  but the Dick priests said they preferred to keep the extra space available for when they had visitors, but every beaver knew that Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks only invited those on the island with wealth and influence and could never get anyone to accept.

The Great High Priest of The Great Dam Church of Dam God lived in the most extravagant mansion of all. In fact, it was many mansions on one enormous estate; and it was so grand it was it’s own sovereign state; and they could do anything they wanted inside those gates. Named after one of Dam God’s favorite grand estates from before The Great Light, they called it The Great Dam Vatican. While most beavers passing by The Great Dam Vatican couldn’t understand why the church spent so much money on their self-proclaimed Chief Friend of the Poor’s grand lodge, they could not help but gawk and awe. It was the most ironically gross and gaudy display of ego and waste one could see.  Free, thinking beavers called it The Great Overcompensation.

The Dick priests preached that Dam God rejoiced in the presence of dam gold, objects adorned in dam gold, and objects paid for with dam gold. It would seem the Dicks believed Dam God had a special place in Dam Utopia for those who gathered the most dam gold for themselves. They would teach — by example mostly — that while Dam God loved those who loved him, he loved to surround himself with quality more and so shall all beavers who loved Dam God. The Dick senators and Dick businessmen and, yes, even the Dick religious leaders and priests — who tended to be the most prominent Dicks in the community — did an excellent job of living Dam God’s quality way of life and had collected wonderful fortunes compared to other beavers, just as Dam God had done before The Great Light.

While the cults and the churches started by the Dicks claimed to do good in the name of Dam God, their fruits spoke for themselves. While Dicks spoke of traditional values, family, love and The Great Golden Rule, they and their cults and churches did more to divide clan against clan, father against mother, brother against sister, friend against friend, and beaver against beaver than anything known in beaver history. In fact, Dicks had the highest divorce rate on the island, as it was well known one could only live with a Dick for so long. Regardless, the Dicks would continue to preach and preach some more and many beavers sadly continued to attend their churches and hand over their dam gold.

9 – The Great Dam Utopia

The Dicks lived as though Dam God provided the earth and the dams to service only the needs and pleasures of Dam God and his Great Dam Family of beavers. The earth and dams only existed to service them and service them some more. Great Beaver Island was faced with overpopulation and what to do with The Great Debris of Dam God and the clans were divided against the Dicks over what to do. The Dicks believed scientists were demons and dismissed their environmental warnings. Even if the scientists were right, they reasoned that Dam God was bringing The Great Dam Utopia to Great Beaver Island soon, so it could survive until then. Dicks made such statements with the confidence of an eye witness.

The beavers who believed Dam God expected them to take care of Great Beaver Island until his return and those who didn’t believe in Dam God at all — or just thought there wasn’t enough evidence to know one way or another — were constantly battling the Dicks who seemed hell-bent on the slow destruction of Great Beaver Island. They could not get the Dicks to agree there were issues the entire island needed to work together to solve.

To rationalize their treatment of the island — and other beavers — the Dicks began declaring that the scientists were making up stories about the dangers of the debris fields to the environment. The Dicks claimed Dam God would have cleansed the fields with his blessing before delivering it to Great Beaver Island. The only other location the fields could be stored was the private, gated cove which was owned by the Dicks and used as a retreat for the wealthiest of Dicks and their dignitary visitors, of which there were none. The Dicks were unwilling to trade coves and relocate their retreat unless they could take ownership of the entire debris processing operation — which would include capturing all the profits from the auctions. They claimed it would be necessary to cover the expense of relocation, which the citizens had already pledged to cover at cost. The average beaver didn’t trust the Dicks enough to give them control of the debris fields as this was their only connection to Dam God.  The Dicks would not compromise.

The Dicks were so focused on Dam God’s Great Return and the coming Dam Utopia that taking care of the island they lived on seemed a waste of their attention and resources and they said so openly and unapologetically.  The Dick Senators refused to approve the use of public funds for island maintenance and environmental inspections because they said Dam God was coming with the Dam Utopia at any time. So, free, thinking beavers — even those who believed in Dam God’s coming return — knew they had to organize outside of The Great Senate to solve the problems of the island, including how to get The Great Debris of Dam God relocated. And soon, that’s exactly what they managed to do.

10 – The Great Big Dick of Dam God

There were many great Dicks on Great Beaver Island, but there was no Dick more unbelievable than the self-proclaimed “Big Dick of Dam God,” Benjamin Allen Dick.  He was the largest beaver on the island and he wanted the world to know he was proud of it — though he was known to privately blame his size on a nasty chewing addiction. While he liked to refer to himself as the “Big Dick of Dam God,” he prefered to be called “Ben-A-Dick” for short, and would become angry when people just called him Ben and even angrier when they called him Benny. He was the wealthiest real estate and interior design mogul on the island, Speaker of The Great Senate, and The Great High Priest — and beaver head  – of The Great Dam Church of Dam God.” He loved his self-assigned nickname, Ben-A-Dick, almost more than life itself and made sure it was prominently displayed on everything he owned. The slogan for his real estate and interior design business — as well as the dam church he ran — was “The Dick You Want Inside.”

He claimed to run his businesses and his church the way Dam God ran his, reminding others that the world revolves around Dam God and so shall the earth revolve around Dam God’s biggest Dick. It’s one thing to think and operate like a Dick, it’s quite another to think and operate like The Big Dick of Dam God.  Whether it was his colleagues, employees, parishioners and even his customers, nobody really liked The Great Ben-A-Dick, they just thought Dam God expected everyone to look to him as he was the most prominent Dick on the island.  Beavers had a tendency to mistake gross narcissism for relevance and the biggest Dicks leveraged this every chance they got.  Less prominent Dicks were often caught stroking the egos of the bigger Dicks.

11 – The Great Dick Declaration

One fateful day, after you would have thought most on the island couldn’t take another Dick in their face about the Great Will of Dam God, it seemed all of Great Beaver Island had fallen into the complete control of the Dicks’ magic spell.  The Counsel for Beaver Freedom, which was comprised of elder beavers from clans not associated with the Dicks, Johnsons or Pricks held a most unprecedented meeting, called The Great Summit. The Dicks had always condemned the Counsel as nothing but a mouthpiece of The Great Liberal Legion, a secret society that was rumored to finance anti-Dick propaganda. However, the Dicks’ historical animosity towards the Counsel would change after The Great Summit, for from a Dick’s point of view, the whole world had finally gotten a clue.

The meeting of elders — The Great Summit — lasted seven days and they emerged with a most shocking and surprising declaration. After years of resistance by free, thinking beavers everywhere, in a formal, grand announcement watched by every occupant on Great Beaver Island, the Council declared the Dicks  “The Great Clan of Dam God.”  The great declaration stated that because of the irrefutable proof — as defined, supplied and verified by the Dicks themselves — that they were the chosen beaver clan of Dam God and stewards of The Great Dam Truth, and as such they were to be honored and treated as the special Dicks they were.

A grand and glorious, super-sized palace fit for a dozen kings would be constructed for the growing number of Dicks — perhaps a thousand or more — on Great Beaver Island, including all those they loved and all those who loved them, which alone was maybe another ten or more. It would be called “Dick Palace” because it would be a palace mostly filled with Dicks. It would be built on the grandest, most desired beach in all of Great Beaver Island — donated by the Counsel of Beaver Freedom, itself, — and that beach would be dedicated and renamed “Shore of the Sure.”  All those fortunate enough to be called into the Dick clan by Dam God — including the Johnsons and the Pricks — who believed they knew The Great Dam Truth of Dam God — as taught only by the Dicks — would be able to move into the grand palace by the shore.

Dick Palace would be constructed of the finest materials and of the most advanced construction technology and would be a monument to The Great Dam God and, of course, those Dicks who knew the one and only Great Dam God Truth.  “After all the Dicks move into Dick Palace, the rest of Great Beaver Island” — the decree continued — “will gather every year at the gates of Dick Palace to pay homage to Dam God, but most importantly, the Dicks who follow Dam God The Great Right Way.” After the decree was read for all to hear, the Dicks held up their hands in triumph and all the beavers cheered and cheered some more.  The Dicks were so pleased the island had come to recognize their special place at The Great Right Hand of Dam God.

The next day The Great Senate voted to declare the day Dick Palace was scheduled to be completed as national Dick Day and every year going forward a “Parade of Dicks” would be held to celebrate and honor all the Dicks on Great Beaver Island. Finally, all that was good and right in the eyes of the Dicks — and, therefore, in the eyes of The Great Dam God — was coming to Great Beaver Island.

12 – The Great Dick Palace

The grand beach was cleared and closed to the public for what was expected to be months while the Engineers of Freedom — a special construction firm hired by the the Counsel for Beaver Freedom — constructed what would become the grandest palace ever constructed in the history of beavers. In fact, legions of beavers — none of whom were Dicks, Johnsons or Pricks, of course — volunteered to help construct Dick Palace in record time. All the Dicks and the lovers of Dicks could hardly wait for the complete construction of their grand Dick Palace on The Shore of the Sure.

As construction continued, the Chief Engineer, Evan Omnijack — an eccentric but alarmingly creative beaver — and his large team of volunteers and tall cranes, erected an enormous screen as wide and as the tall as a Dam God coliseum, and on the side facing the onlooking crowds of Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks, it read: “Coming Soon… Dick Palace and the Shore of the Sure…brought to you by Engineers of Freedom and the volunteers of Great Beaver Island.”  Below that, toward the bottom it also read: “Remember…Dam God Hates Peekers and Drowns Them for Fun.”  Peeking behind the screen was not allowed. The Chief Engineer told the few nosey Dicks who raised concerns over the secrecy, that he and his team had been inspired by Dam God to add special features to Dick Palace that would truly separate it and place the Dicks where they belong, in a special world of their own, undisturbed by the common beavers of Great Beaver Island. Exposing these special features before they were completed — he would wink and mutter under his breath — was like entering the Holy of Holies before Dam God was finished with his business.

Quite satisfied with the explanation, the Dicks winked back and asked no more questions; stopped their little Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks from peeking behind the screen; and relished the anticipation of Dick Day like fine wood. The sounds of hasty construction could be heard day and night as the volunteers insisted on working long hours and double shifts to complete the grand palace.

Originally expecting construction to take many months, thanks to the overwhelming support of the thousands of volunteer beavers, construction would only take weeks.  The Dicks were amazed by how fast the rest of the island pitched in and constructed their new palace by the shore. It was obvious to them that the common beavers had finally come to their senses and simply couldn’t make Dick Day come fast enough.  In fact, The Great Senate voted to change when Dick Day would be celebrated, given the Engineers of Freedom were way ahead of schedule.  Now, not only would the Dicks get their own grand palace as deserved, but Dick Day and the Parade of Dicks would come early.  Everything on Great Beaver Island was moving in the right direction.

13 – The Great Parade of Dicks

The big day finally arrived and the entire island’s occupants had gathered for Dick Day, The Great Parade of Dicks and the unveiling and dedication of Dick Palace, because, then, all the Dicks could move into their special place away from the common beavers on the island. Many Dicks, particularly those in the Senate, would chuckle and joke amongst themselves — even when common beavers were present — asking why Dam God hadn’t thought of this sooner. The common beavers would join the laughter for they were wondering the very same thing.

The Parade of Dicks was spectacular as it featured some of the biggest, most notorious Dicks on Great Beaver Island. They each had their own special float and it was quite a sight to see as each Dick tried to outdo the other Dicks in the parade. The bands played and the crowds cheered and cheered some more. The Dicks declared as “The Biggest Dick of Them All” — the Dick equivalent of Grand Marshal — none other than The Big Dick of Dam God,  Benjamin Allen Dick, and he lived up to his grand title as he led the parade.

While the band played and the crowd cheered and cheered some more, the biggest Dicks followed The Biggest Dick of Them All, the great Ben-A-Dick, and they all waved at the crowds like the royal Dicks they were. Following the greatest of Dicks came the rest of the Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks — and their little Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks, too — and all the lovers of Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks who danced down the street with their suitcases, bags and boxes packed. In the days prior, they sold their lodges to the common beavers for a fraction of what they paid, certain the value of their property would drop to nothing once they moved away.

The front of the parade approached the gates of The Great Dick Palace and The Biggest Dick of Them All, rung the big bell at the gate. There was a long pause and then the rip of chords untying above as the giant screen blocking the construction site came tumbling down. The crowd roared and cheered and cheered some more. Grand music began playing as the crowd gawked and awed, amazed at the giant wooden palace, carved and constructed by all the volunteers of Great Beaver Island. It was nearly as big as a Dam God colosseum and it had every luxury of the grandest palaces of Dam God’s day and finest dam resorts, too.

All of the Dicks — and the Johnsons and Pricks, too — began filing into Dick Palace. Once the final little Prick made his way inside the gate, the big bell was rung again and all the beavers cheered and cheered some more.  The Chief Engineer,  Evan Omnijack, walked up the steps and approached the gates of the palace and made a short speech, “To our beaver brothers and sisters, the Dicks — and the Johnsons and Pricks, too — thank Dam God for the likes of you. Hear, hear!.”  The crowd cheered “Hear, hear!” and cheered and cheered some more.

He continued, “Oh, Great Dicks of Dam God, in honor of you — The Great and Humble Ambassadors of Dam God —  we have prepared a grand and fabulous banquet inside of your grand and fabulous palace for your grand and fabulous selves. As you enjoy your feast and explore your new home, remember, your common beaver brothers and sisters on the outside will be celebrating and giving thanks for Dick Palace just as well. Here, here!”   The crowd cheered “Hear, hear!” and cheered and cheered some more.

14 – The Great Exodus of Dicks

After the brief speech, the Dicks hastily waved goodbye and closed the gate and massive doors to their new palace. The Dicks were too busy enjoying their feast, touring the palace and arguing about who would occupy which portions of the palace to notice what was happening outside. As the crowd continued to watch silently from The Shore of the Sure, Evan Omnijack gave the nod, and the great Dick Palace slowly and gently slid into the ocean and began swiftly floating away. Evan Omnijack had not just designed a grand palace, he had designed a grand boat. Long before the Dicks ever realized what was happening, the fierce currents quickly swept Dick Palace into the distance. Every beaver on The Shore of the Sure held their breath, staring as the enormous boat floated away, and the moment it disappeared into the horizon and there wasn’t another Dick in sight, the crowd cheered and cheered some more, for each beaver was sure the Dicks they could take no more.

As the beavers continued to celebrate Dick Day on The Shore of the Sure and party into the night, the elders from the Counsel of Beaver Freedom gathered around Evan Omnijack and asked for reassurance they hadn’t sentenced the Dicks and their lovers to their deaths. He explained that the Dicks had two years worth of food stored on the boat, giving the Dicks plenty of time before they will have to find new land and make a new home.  He also provided them with enormous paddles for rowing and steering as well as maps and a compass which he scattered in different locations throughout the boat to buy time. He explained that he estimated several months would pass before the Dicks would figure out how to stop fighting like children and cooperate enough to put the maps together, assemble and operate the compass, and figure out where they were.

As it turned out, it took over a year of floating in circles as the Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks battled for territory, position and power inside the massive boat before the little Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks could put their heads together, take control from the big Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks, put the maps and compass together and find land.  Some reports claim the Dicks had all but destroyed the inside of the boat in a bloody civil war before the maps were finally pieced together and they found land.

As the years past, unbelievable stories of what was happening on Dick Palace would make their way back to the island. One of the most popular events each year was The Great Dick Tales on Dick Day when the great storytellers would act out the grand reports from Dick Palace before the huge crowds. Most of the stories were true and some were fabulous fictions, but they all made the crowds laugh until they cried. After The Great — and glorious — Exodus of Dicks, Great Beaver Island would enjoy an explosion of peace and prosperity and they would celebrate Dick Day for years to come.

To be continued…

Great Beaver Island ™  Copyright © 2013 by Troy Fitzgerald