Blast From the Past: "The Roly-poly Apostle"

So fat people won’t enter into the Kingdom of God!
What about your Roly-poly Apostle?




Setting The Standard


If you want to enter into the Kingdom of God, the very first and foremost priority is to be fit.

You need to get down to Bally’s Total Fitness and get buff, because if you are fat you will not be able to get through the Pearly Gates even turned sideways.

Your lard will be burned up in the Lake of Fire along with “… dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie”. (Revelation 22:15)

People were amazed during the Feast of Tabernacles in October, 2002, when the minister declared loudly, “Brethren, the Bible says ‘Gluttons will not enter into the Kingdom of God'”.



Yes, brethren, you must get your priorities straight or you will be toast–or more accurately toasted!

All these years you thought praying for the Apostle, his Immenseness, and paying your tithes would be enough.

You thought attending church faithfully, entertaining strangers [and people in the church were stranger than anybody], fellowshipping, following all the rules and being subject to “The Government of God” would get you a high position in the Millennium.

Wrong, fatso!

It’s because you set the wrong example!

We need people who have flat abs to represent the coming World Tomorrow.

We need good looking people who are a triumph of image over substance to entice others into our beautiful churches with appealing brethren as represented by our beautiful and colorful flagship Magazine.

The minister himself sets a very very fine example: He pointed out himself in the Festival Film as the one with those great–what were they, 18 inch?–biceps; he was obviously quite proud of the fine manly figure he cut in his brief appearance in the video.

Oh, there were skeptics in the crowd: The man sitting in front of us from the Home Office Church area was saying out loud what we were thinking–“That’s a lie! He’s wrong!”. They left in disgust. But then, there’s always someone who is sour grapes about attractive deceptions! Another bad Fatitude!

Get your priorities straight, people!

Seems to ignore the Bigger issue!

Let’s face it–those pictures of Herbert Armstrong just don’t do him justice!

Because he knew instinctively as an old advertising man that fat businessmen need to have well-tailored suits [as advised by modern public relations consultants], Herbert Armstrong had those Armani Suits fit to make him look–in this case–smaller than life.

So it’s really difficult to gauge exactly his dimensions: Was he five foot six at 255 pounds? 300 pounds? It’s so hard to tell.

He definitely looks like if you took a tape measure he would be as big around as he was tall.

He hid it well with his vivacious aggressive personality.

It’s not clear whether he lost a lot of weight after his heart attack–undoubtedly brought on by some of his… um… excesses; maybe he had to and had no choice.

It’s hard to say, because he mostly stayed out of sight for the remaining 7 years or so [talk about a perfect number of years!].

The Roly-poly Apostle can be forgiven, we suppose, because he was so important! No time for the gym for him–gotta talk to those World Leaders at those lavish banquets!

Those extra pounds added weight to what he said!

So that’s probably why the ministers mention reverently “Mr. Armstrong” in those sermons where they also lambaste the people of substance for their substance abuse of food.

Those sermons are spreading too! There is a concerted effort to drive the fatted herd from among the fit flock!

Little does it matter that some of the fatties are poor [can’t pay gym fees], have no time to work out, have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes and sleep apnea, slow metabolism, actual–like real–hormonal problems: We don’t want them in our congregations, and when they repent and look like Brad Pitt, they can come back–but only then. You just don’t fit our image of what a church member should be.

Meanwhile, they praise Mr. Armstrong, the most substantial who ever waddled among them.

A modest [fat-free] suggestion

Here is a modest [fat-free] suggestion: Cut the fat from your sermons and nurture the beached whales among you that they may be encouraged to overcome.

Fill their lives with the love they are lacking, to fill the void now filled by food–if you ministers have any love at all to give, that is.

“Wherefore seeing we are also are compassed about with so a great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every[over]weight…” (Hebrews 12:1) And we could continue, “and the fat which doth so easily beset us, and let us run [to get fit] with patience the race that is set before us”. Well, that’s the way more than one minister would read it. In fact, we hope that you ministers will let the portly take the Passover, because without lifting the weight of sin, it is clear the God will not lift the burden of fat either! Forgiveness will have to come as a change to the spirit before it is reflected in the flesh–or some such; whatever you ministers believe.

Oh Ye of little fat!

Point out in your sermons, if you absolutely must remind us of the Roly-poly Apostle, that he was so far from perfect; that his terrible example should give us all hope that maybe some of us will be able to overcome lift over drag as spirit beings, though we be as corpulent today as the Roly-poly Apostle was in his time. In the very least, you might be able to counsel us where to buy quality well-tailored suits for not too much.

In the mean time, we hope that the ministers who are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and love and make a lie, will lose some spiritual fat.