Takes a lot of time too to cover up and brown nose the high on the hog boys. Besides they were going to be USED in the work, it was all about them and their success. Who has time to do a Christian service? The way that AC was set up, it really did not impart True Values, it promoted selfish arrogance. The fake doctor came to my room, he laughed and said you broke all the stuff in there, basically he said, that is too bad, it will be a long time in healing. That was it. No help, so on top of it now I am lame, I can’t hitch a ride out of my prison.
One young man was killed on campus, his decapitated body was sent home. When the accident this young man had was announced, I clinched by damp hands in grief, uncontrollable sobbing came of depths deep inside me. His broken body, not mended was shipped off, no more was spoken of him. I think of him always. I did not personally know him, but he asked to walk me to Bible Study before he was killed. I was looking forward to that and so amazed that a young man would walk me anywhere.
The women all had to wear skirts below their knees and zero makeup. I obeyed all of those rules. The men were critical, several told me I would not make a minister’s wife, no reason given, just that I would not. (LOL now) Some of the young men also mocked the obvious: hair, dress, shoes, whatever, sure I felt degraded, so I walked bent, not lifting my head, hoping to be invisible, dare not to look at the sun or feel the wind on my face. When no one was looking though, I would follow the smoke stream in the sky left by jets crossing the country, wondering where they were going and wishing I could go.
This process of gutting you is called creating character, especially in the lesser ones (the females.) The female ones who dished it out, I have known for years NOW were jealous. Their restrictions led them to simple old fashioned envy, they were lashing out. Why, I don’t know for absolute certain, I had zero to envy, no life to speak of that is for certain. Many of the females were very aggressive with the young men, looked to me they were having quite a lot of fun in my eyes. They called their boyfriends after lights out, the men called them. Secret trysts, sometimes they were caught, often times not. Had I even so much as entertained the thought to behave like that, I would have had my name announced to the entire campus and to all the local churches and thrown out of this holy place and marked as a _____. I might have been marked that way just for ____s and giggles by the lofty ones probably mocked around cocktail hour for faculty only.
One young man I know was branded as demon possessed and never allowed to return to the campus. In reality he was physically sick with low blood sugar. You never knew what you might get branded with if you were not found favored by “the in crowd” students and their sponsors, the faculty. None of my abuse there compares to what this young man suffered when he was pronounced to be demon possessed. It was the WORST thing and the worst label that you could possibly be slapped with. Not only were you thrown out, but you were cut off from everybody. You would possibly never find a mate, no way were you going to produce little demons. I am amazed this young man did not suck on a bullet or jump off a bridge like others did before him. Some days all I can say is “Oh My Dear God.”
I do solve most mysteries I am proud to say, not the one of envy however. If envy was what motivated the females .. I don’t know. I have never felt the ENVY emotion. Even in my lowest, most humble days, I was never envious of anyone. I am happy for others, only under the condition that they do not lie, cheat or steal from their fellow humans. I have many faults, that emotion of envy is not one of them.
I was so innocent, I trusted my peers. I am way too smart for that that sort of thing now. Those who flatter are mostly looking for something for themselves. Those who criticize have other intentions, not good ones either.
Unholy motivations, I am aware of them. Humanity is an interesting study. God never lacks for theatre. Like the line in that old song from the sixties called Honey: She was kind of dumb and kind of smart. I am a whole lot smarter than I look, thanks in part to the school of hard knocks. I am just dumb enough to be silly and have fun, even in old age. I don’t really care what anyone thinks, not any more.
In reality, and much later, I surely was relieved to be found NOT worthy at the cult campus, once I was armed with real truth. The old saying that goes: the truth shall set you free, contains all I need to know. I wanted to remain invisible at Ambassador College, my being recognized even a little bit, got me punished, humiliated and worked to death. I was put on the dateless list, a list of the condemned losers, the unworthy ones. No male would ask one of these pitiful creatures to a dance or any other social event. A male who had NOT asked anyone to an upcoming event for one reason or another which only he would know” the why not.” These young men went to the reject list posted in The Red Wood Building where the library was, pick a name on the list, he would then trod reluctantly to the female dorms, knock at a dorm door to escort a discarded female to the event. The loser walked the loosee, the humiliated young woman to a dance where the accepted ones were dancing and smiling, socializing, the tinkle of laughter echoed throughout the setting.
The MEN were instructed to do this, the ones who refused to be actual dates or escorts for an event could pick from the DISCARD LIST, ME AND MY ROYAL BLUE SATIN DRESS had to accept this vile policy. The young men too became part of the discards, by their own oddities. Me, I hid in the bathroom vomiting.
One time I arrived at the good time event, escorted along the gauntlet of shame by a male I normally would be afraid of, passing the smiling faces of the others who had REAL dates. I was escorted in my royal blue satin dress to such an event and quickly went to the ladies room to be sick. I was found! A girl opened the door, bellowing “your date is looking for you,” I spat back, he is NOT my date. More time for me in the block house. (I just got sad news my long time friend from my high school class of l962, the beautiful woman who gave me the royal blue satin dress is now bed ridden at her home in NC, due to stage four cancer.) (I love you dear.) My heart is broken. This woman is perfect, she was more than a sister to me for sixty years. We have stayed in contact always. Until my dying day I will think of you dear one and our friendship and the (ROYAL BLUE SATIN DRESS.)
She recently returned my stacks of mail that I had written her from l965 to the present. She told me to please re-read them, they contained the story of my life as I had written it. Within those hand written lines was the grief and sadness, the love of the Royal Blue Satin Dress, the hurt, that eventually turned into happiness.
I cried for hours as I read those letters back to myself. The hardships, the loneliness, the humiliation, I suffered in the name of God. Wasted youth for a young and sincere woman, guilty of being a follower.
I reach out now, encouraging young minds to think, read, search and find yourself. Beware of those who claim to own the truth. Find what is true for yourself young ones. If ever your stalked in any way or put upon by a family member, holy man, teacher or anyone else, seek help, shout it to the world. Fight back like I did, don’t allow these evil people to prey upon you. Don’t allow any human being to put the blame on YOU. They will try it. They will try to say it is something about you, your looks, your shape, your smile, they will excuse themselves. That way the guilt is your shame to carry, not theirs.