Slaver App

Slave App Concept
Slave App Concept

To be read in all churches this Sabbath.

Effective immediately, all members of the church are to install the Slaver App on their cell phones, smart phones, tablets and personal computers. This App will track all activities and accounts of all members in real time and will send the data to our servers to be analyzed by an artificial intelligence. All members will be tracked 24 hours a day, seven days a week. GPS coordinates will be analyzed to determine location and determine the speed of the vehicle driven by the member. This information will be gathered and stored permanently.

We are taking these measures because as your leaders we have a responsibility to insure that all things are done decently and in order because God is not the Author of confusion. We do this also because we have the power of God and you are our servants in the unpaid employ of our church corporate. As our employees, you have absolutely no rights — as Gerald Flurry wisely disclosed in a sermon at Quincy, Washington when he was a minister of the Worldwide Church of God: “No one has any rights”. Residents of the United States need to be reprised that the Fourth Amendment does not apply to them as de facto employees of the cult because our Kingdom is out of this world. As a separate political entity, you live under our Law, not the law of the land. You must obey us as God and not obey men. You are all living sacrifices and we own you. You only have the freedom to do what we tell you to do.

credit card tracking
credit card tracking

The Slaver App will track all your accounts to determine your income and the amount you give to our cult as a percentage of your income. We are tapped into your employer’s servers and so we will know what your gross income is. If we find that you are not giving enough to our Work, we will automatically transfer money from your accounts to our own through our automated system. Furthermore, if we determine that you have not given enough money for offerings at Holyday services, your money will be automatically be transferred to us in the proper amount. All services, conventions, studies and gatherings will be monitored through GPS and attendance will be mandatory. If you do not attend, we will determine where you are instead and money will be transferred to our accounts in response to your non responsiveness. When there is a crisis in the Work, such as a need for the wife of the leader to buy underwear from Victoria’s Secret, a need to buy BMWs for family members of the leader or to pay for a luxury cruise, to travel to Las Vegas  or Hawaii for recreation, money will automatically transferred from your accounts to pay for whatever the leader wants or desires. For those with smart watches monitoring vitals, the heart rate will be monitored to determine if there is a cessation of a heartbeat for 6 minutes, at which time ALL your money will be transferred to the Work. Since you will be dead, waiting for the resurrection where you will be under our thumb for all eternity, there will be no need for you to worry about such things as funeral expenses. Let the dead bury their dead. Some how your body will be taken care of. We don’t worry about such piddling physical things.

On the Sabbath, we will track your activities to determine whether or not you have gone out to eat at a restaurant. If our sect allows eating out at a restaurant on the Sabbath and we determine that you have passed up the opportunity to get together with other members at a restaurant, we will transfer money out of your accounts immediately after the Sabbath. If we do NOT allow eating out at restaurants on the Sabbath and your GPS indicates you are, money will be transferred out of your accounts, and, in particular, we will max out your credit cards so you can’t possibly pay for the meal, so if you do the wrong thing, be prepared with enough cash in hand to pay for your ill gotten food and drink.

Slave App Developer
Slave App Developer

Our App will also transfer itself to other smart phones around you by cloning itself. It is undetectable and embeds itself in the firmware of the hardware, so it is impossible to remove as a rootkit by even the most advanced CIA level anti spyware. It does this in order to track potential members of our church by determining what their likes and interests are so we can carry on a social media campaign to appeal to their particular desires. We will also send emails to appeal to them. The emails are generated in such a way that they will escape detection by any and all spam filters. Eventually, we will win out and triumph over any resistance by prospective members, enabling our cult to grow exponentially. It is also the case that we will track your GPS in conjunction with those infected with our malware so that if you associate with those we deem undesirables, you will be warned and penalized appropriately by a transfer of your funds to our own. Do not worry about installing the App if you have received any emails from the church: It installs itself as soon as you open any of our emails.

If you rebel against us and attempt to leave us, you will find that you are permanently tethered to us for we will continue to tap into your funds whether you are with us or not. You will also find that upon being disfellowshipped, the App will automatically mark you by sending emails to members warning that they are not to have contact with you. If they do have contact with you, the App will track that and disfellowship them. We strictly enforce the non contact rule even if involves family members or even your own spouse. Even though you may expect to ‘repent’ and be accepted back, you will not because you have broken our trust and we just can never bring ourselves to associate with you again.

Some of you now work for nursing homes. You are to stop doing this immediately because demons infest old people in nursing homes. You must stop working for the facilities even if you cannot support yourself any other way. Rules are rules. If you violate our arbitrary rules, the GPS will be tracked and we will know. If you do not quit soon enough, GPS will track this along with your financial accounts and you will be disfellowshipped.

We can also determine what stores and outlets you frequent. If we determine that you have been buying too much from certain stores which are associated with entertainment, we will penalize you and even get your credit cards cancelled. You are to give yourself entirely to our social group and not to entertain or enjoy yourself.

We are also tapped into your health records. We know what’s wrong with you. We expect you to come to us for anointing for any maladies you have and not rely on doctors. We will know if you are taking prescription medicines and we will put a stop to it immediately. Your accounts will also be charged. Any operation you have will indicate that you do not have the true faith and you will be disfellowshipped. If you depend upon the kindness of other members to help you pursue medical treatment forget it. None of them are really your friends: They are merely other employees of our church corporate and once you are shunned they will betray and abandon you. We have complete control of your life.

Beware. If you work for a military contractor, our App will catch you. You are not to work for any business which provides for the military even if it’s a cafeteria service, nor are you to work for any business which does business with a business that does business with the military. You will be sorry. We will demand you quit. It’s better to obey our arbitrary rules than to be able to feed yourself.

Speaking of military, we remind you that none of you may join the Armed Forces. All males aged 18 to 25 in the United States must register with the Selective Service. Those who do must declare themselves as conscientious objectors. We will track you with the GPS in your smart phone to insure that you do not visit a military recruiter. You must remain a non combative conscientious objector at all costs, even if you may have to do alternative service in a low paying public service job. Of course, all our ministers are automatically exempted from military service. By virtue of the fact that you are not willing to fight for your country, our church views you as unpatriotic and, as such, we look down on you: You will be sanctioned for being unpatriotic and will be treated as traitors — you are considered the lowest of the low among church members and if you ever serve alternative service with us, you will be treated as abject slaves, doing scut work long hours for less than minimum wage. While you are in this alternative service with us, you will not be able to date any coeds of our college where you serve and will be a pariah at socials. You must live in a separate compound by yourself and will not reside in any church related housing. You will not be allowed to potlucks and church socials. You are damaged goods, unpatriotic traitors, and you will be marked for the rest of your life. If you raise any objections concerning your treatment, you will be fired and sent to prison as deserters.

 We track everything you do. The App surreptitiously turns your smart phone camera without any indication to watch and listen to what you are doing, even in the bedroom. We advise you to only use the two cult approved positions. Some of our technology is based on Stingray surveillance devices. A previous version of Slaver App Tracking 24 by 7 has been use by business employers to track employee activities even when they were not ‘on the job’. It is very effective.

We expect you to believe everything we tell you exactly. If you think that we seem to violate reality it is just an illusion and you would be wrong to question us in any way. Our App will follow all of your research. It records your Google searches. It analyzes the books you read online and what books you order from We know when you read pages from anti Armstrongist blogs and websites. Any breach of our proscriptions will be met with immediate penalties. You get the truth from us and no one else.

Slave App on Smart Phone
Slave App on Smart Phone

We monitor all your conversations and our artificial intelligence on our servers analyze all of them for appropriateness.

The latest feature has been added to the App: The dating module. This module connects young single maidens to old bachelors for purposes of dating so the bachelors can select the one that appeals to him the most for marriage. No young woman will be permitted to refuse any advances.

Be warned that no one is exempt from the Slaver App except for the leader.

Tracker not Spyware
Tracker not Spyware

8 Replies to “Slaver App”

  1. Not to worry, Danny: The App installs itself if you open any emails from the church.

    Also, if you visit the church website, it is fairly certain it has installed itself, especially if you visit the ‘members only’ section.

  2. Yep. As I was reading this, I said to myself, “Why this sounds like the ministers’ version of the millennium!” No personal decisions available to the members, no personal control over any aspect of life. There’s only one thing left that a member could do to express himself, or herself: Chew garlic at church.


  3. “Gentlemen, we have the technology!”

    If there are COG members out there who has enough money to own a smartphone, their minders would want to know how they do it. After all, the COGleaders know it’s the members’ bad attitude that keeps them from being blessed for being tearful givers. And Dave Pack’s “God’s math” makes less sense than “New Math” did.

    With the membership to COG ratio is now more manageable, and the advancements in technology, there is no longer the need to wade through piles of printouts to find those whose hearts are not in the work. The article “Computer Snooper” in Ambassador Report shows that nothing has changed. I remember hearing a “must play” sermon some 40 years ago in which GTA mentions he saw – and the word “accidental” was used – a printout that flagged all non-tithe payers in the WCG. After some moderate scolding, he concluded that it wouldn’t happen again, and the phrase that we don’t “tithe to the computer” entered the COG lingo.

    If there is one doctrine ubiquitous in churches of every stripe it is tithing. Despite the argumentative “proofs”, there is no evidence of tithing in the New Testament, apart from Levitical tithing and mention of Temple tax. Even with the “proof” provided in the misunderstanding or deliberate misinterpretation of a few verses in Hebrews, the “church” was funded by freewill offerings, and the sense of obligation from Paul on supporting the ministry. Tithing was not a church doctrine until the 6th century. There are a number of papers in Ambassador Report that deal with this, so this is a longstanding issue. And those who pull proofs and prophecies out of Catholic canon, councils and catechism must be well aware of this.

    Now, I had the internet connection on my phone turned off, but I have a tablet with wifi … will the app run on Android 2 or do I need to upgrade?

  4. Sadly, Hoss, you will have to upgrade.

    Not to worry though, the ACoG has made a deal with the cellular companies so you can get a plan through them.

    It costs you the same as if you went to the provider directly, but the church gets a kickback for every phone sold through them.

    Rest assured, the App comes preloaded.

  5. These phones are already sold everywhere for government spying and tracking, under all the most popular Names. Big bro beat Herbie to it already!

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