Those who knew the late Herbert W. Armstrong (HWA) and are familiar with his Worldwide Church of God may recall Mr. Armstrong’s approach to his organization and all who he encountered. Truly, HWA was sole spokesperson and “Apostle” having an exclusive direct line from God. It is therefore in the truest sense of the word “appropriate” for him to continue to be the sole spokesperson in this satire.
“Well, well, well!!! I’ll be damned!! I’ll pinch myself and see if I’m awake or sleeping. Hell, my fingers slip right through each other! I’m not asleep in my grave. I guess I am dead. But that means that I’m alive but my body isn’t! Wow! How did I pull that one off! I must be in the first resurrection. How about that! I wonder where Jesus is. He’s supposed to be giving me the low-down on teaching the masses. Or was I supposed to teach all the rest of the brethren that must have resurrected along with me. Where are they? Hey, Herman! Where are you? Yeah, Herman, hey! Are you here? Can you hear me?
Last I heard of you there was a rumor you had AIDS. Was that so? How about you, Stanley? Or are you still in the flesh? Hey Gerald? You here? Naw, if you were here you’d be filling me in on all the gossip and my prophecies that failed for the last fifty years. Hey, this is cool man. Oh! Loma. You’re lookin’ great, baby. Looks like you’ve shed a few years. How’d you do that? You were pretty old and wrinkled last time I saw you. But then, I was pretty busy logging my activities with the young lady…..oh….I guess I never told you about that….and I don’t see that it would be worth the trouble now. She grew up without a backward glance, so what’s the big deal! Oh, never mind. It’s nothing you need to know.
What’s that? That bright light coming my way? Or who…I’ll be damned! If it isn’t Joe! Son of gun, Joe, how the hell are you? Welcome to my kingdom, you rotten son of a female. Passing the baton, you told the dumb sheep! You wouldn’t even let my family in when I was laying on my deathbed, and then you told everybody I turned the Church over to you willingly!? What an operator! You really pulled it off, didn’t you Joe! But that son of yours has the last laugh! Now he’s got the whole kit and kaboddle! Outsmarted you! Out lived you too! Ha! Oh well, Joe. Now that you’re here, I’ve got to line up my top men to run God’s government you know. Its time we get it rolling since the sheep will be coming into pasture. Ha Ha. We’ve got a lot of preaching to do before the next batch arrives in the second resurrection, so who should we get to write up the assignment lists and take attendance? We’ll have to see how many of the deacons made it. I hope a few of them are around. Have you seen any? I haven’t either. Maybe we can sucker, oh I mean entice a few deaconesses to get the job done. Hey ladies, its time to bring out the crystal service and put away the Tupperware, we have God’s work for you to do. Ladies? Hey you? I’m God’s Apostle! But it’s your duty to obey me…. Oh! I should go where? I’ll disfellowship you for that and mark you! How dare you ignore my orders! Don’t you know who I am!?
What the….? What the hell are you doing here John Trechak? Damn it! Do you have to follow me and Joe everywhere we go? Can’t you ever stop that damn Ambassador Report so Joe and I can get back to the business of God’s work without our every move getting reported to the brethren! Why the hell are you laughing? There’s nothing funny about it, John. We’ve got work to do. How’d you get here anyway? You were disfellowshipped and marked a long time ago. How’d this happen? Hey Joe! Did YOU let him back in? Hey Joe, where the hell did you go, don’t you know that I’m in charge now and you have to be submissive. Joe. Damn him, there he goes in his black Cadillac. How’d he get that? How does he rate anyway?
Well, guess I’ll mosey on, but I’m not sure where I’m going. Hey you! How do I get to headquarters? Hey you over there….boy with the wolf. How dare you walk away from me. I demand your respect! How’d he get here anyway? The hell with him, I’ll figure out the layout and get to headquarters so I can get started on the new millennium. I wonder where that music is coming from. Guess I’ll go see. Oh there’s a crowd. Greetings in the name of Jesus Christ, brethren. Jesus Christ! Well I’ll be a son of a…if it isn’t the ‘king of rock ‘n roll! And he’s still singing and swiveling those hips. I’ll have to write some new articles about lewd behavior and publish it in the next issue of the Plain Tru………… Wait a minute……Elvis was never a baptized member of the church so what’s he doing here anyway? Hey boy! Stop this instant! Hum… must not have heard me. Oh well, maybe I can still cut the rug myself, if nobody is watching of course. ‘well its one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and go cats go…..’ Hey this is fun. I haven’t danced since Garner Ted was at Ambassador College. Hey Ted? You here? Ted! Can you hear me? Guess not. I’m not surprised. He’s a chip off the old block. Must not have been sincere when he repented the last time. Too bad. Guess I’ll have to remember that he is still disfellowshipped from God’s true church even if he was my heir-apparent until the Tkach boys came along and changed everything. Oh yeah, that’s right. They did change everything. Maybe that’s why nobody else is here. They’re all in Sabbath services. Must be Saturday…oh that’s right….that was changed too. Must be Sunday. Hey you over there! What time does the sun set today? Yeah. I want to know when the Sabbath is over? You never heard of the Sabbath? How’d you get here? Geeeeeeze! Maybe I am just dreaming after all. I wonder. You aren’t Christian? Then what are you doing in the first resurrection? Stop laughing. Who do you think YOU ARE laughing at God’s Apostle, Jesus Christ? THE HELL YOU SAY!!!!! If you’re Jesus Christ, then I’m Mickey Mou……..You really are him? I suppose you’re here to help me get the government set up, right? Stop laughing. I’ll tell God and get you disfellowshipped if you don’t treat his Apostle with respect. Now go get Joe over here and we’ll get started…..Oh. You’re giving the orders now? It’s not the Sabbath? What do you mean it’s not the first resurrection? What do you mean that I preached a bunch of bullshit? How dare you insult me! Whatda ya mean I’m no Apostle? And that they have had a few cold days there. Stop laughing, dammit! This isn’t funny. Where’s my jet? I’m outta here? Nowhere to go? Gotta stay and repent? The hell you say! God has a recycling program? I’m to be in charge of that, huh? NO? Stop laughing. Recycles garbage? Next time I have to be born again as a female? What do you mean, born again? I ain’t goin’ nowhere!!! Stop laughing. I have to go? God said? Can’t I at least be a male? I wouldn’t know what to do without my ……..I’ll get used to it? Oh no! Or else? What’s the ‘or else’? You’ll send Rosanne to be my mom and John Trechak to be my dad next time around? No! No! No! I’ll go. Bye Jesus, I’ll go. See ya, Joe. I’m outta here. Goin’ back to try again. You too? A twin sister? Whatda ya mean, Martin Luther King, Jr.’s grand children? Black? Oh shit!”
to be continued…