Those who knew the late Herbert W. Armstrong (HWA) and are familiar with his Worldwide Church of God may recall Mr. Armstrong’s approach to his organization and all who he encountered. Truly, HWA was sole spokesperson and “Apostle” having an exclusive direct line from God. It is therefore in the truest sense of the word “appropriate” for him to continue to be the sole spokesperson in this satire.
Chapter Six
“I DEMAND you to come here this INSTANT!!! Jesus Christ!!!!! Come here!!! NOW!!!! What am I calling on him for? Scared of you? No Mr. Hitler, I’m one of your greatest fans….yeah….read all your stuff….Mein Kampf…..stole from you too? Naw…I just borrowed from you Adolf. I knew how well things worked for you. You sure got the people to ask ‘how high’ when you said ‘jump’. Yeah, worked for me too. Some of ’em are still jumping around like a bunch of drunkard frogs…hop….hop….hop….heh…heh…OH? You were the master of harangue until I showed up? Sure works! Snapping those minds like tooth picks!!! Gotta know just how to push ’em to the edge and then WHAM!!! They’re your pigeon! Will sit, stand, speak, shut up, and bend over whenever you say! Not to mention, send in their tithe money….first, second and third. What a bunch of damn fools! Can you believe it, how they slaved away to pay all that money to me? Ha ha, and what a life I had! The finest restaurants every day, any day!!! The mansions and furnishings from all over the world, and the jet at my beck and call. And the women, Adolf! The women!…well I’ve had the smorgasbord there too!!! And the young ‘uns…you ain’t tasted tender meat… Adolf until you’ve……….
“Pork chops….yeah……not until you’ve had the pork chops they serve here Adolf. Adolf, where are you? You’ve repented a little over the last fifty years and can’t stomach listening to me brag? I don’t believe you, Adolf. I don’t believe God would ever forgive you. You mean even after the millions of people you destroyed, God will give you time to turn your life around? If you’re absolutely sincerely sorry? God is not made in man’s image, you say? Man is made in God’s image, and he’s thrown away the mold for you and me? At least you were crazy, what’s my excuse? Yeah, sure, buddy. I’m not your buddy? Like you said, get lost?….go away….get a life…..God is in charge here and can do anything….even forgive somebody like me? But, I don’t have anything to repent of, Adolf……I’m God’s apostle………
“Believing my own delusions? You again!!! Wake up and smell the coffee?….but Hew-deenie….I don’t wanna….ha ha…..you’ll show me something? This autta be good. Why are we in front of this audience? Nice introduction, man, now you want me to hypnotize this crowd…..well all I know how to do is…..preach! Bore them to death? Then they’ll stop listening and their sub-conscious minds will absorb everything…yeah….I know that….worked wonders on the dumb sheep….so now what do ya want me to say? I should tell them I’m sorry for all the garbage I put in their subconscious minds? I should apologize for deliberately lying to them about scripture? I should tell them I twisted the scriptures to mean what I wanted them to mean? I should tell them that God gave them each a direct line of communication of their own and they don’t need ANYBODY ELSE???? Do you think I’m a damn fool, Who-deenie? Tell them all that? Oh you do think I’m a damn fool. No? Oh….damned fool.
“So you want me to tell them that the Bible is a collection of writings put together at the council of Nicea by the Roman Catholic Church, that says what they wanted it to say? They were a bit like me in that endeavor? Oh, so God inspired them? Oh, God isn’t taking all the blame for all that’s been done in His name? A lot of people were killed back then too, for not agreeing with the choices of writings. Oriegen? Who was he? They killed him for writing heresy? And you’re calling me a heretic? I bastardized religion? Made a bad name of it? Caused people to give up religion altogether? Is that bad? Oh, so you think I did something even worse? Tell me about it, Who-deenie!!! What did I do? I put myself in the place of God? I set myself up to be their authority, not God? They transferred their worship to me instead of God? So? What’s your point, Who-deenie? Who-dunit? Ha ha ha…..pretty clever wouldn’t you say? An imposter? Screwed up a lot of people? Some of them went crazy because they really love God and tried to obey me instead? And you’re holding me responsible for that, man? The devil made me do it….ha ha ha……….
“Oh shit! I didn’t mean to page him…..I hope he doesn’t show up now like the rest of them do! I still haven’t found headquarters. I guess I’ll have to mosey on down this road….I’m off to see the wizard….the wonderful wizard of Oz…. blah… blah…. blah….. follow the yellow brick road……howdy….howdy….howdy….skip to maloo…. sure run into enough idiots around here……’when all I want is a party doll’….’ta be ever lovin’ true and fair….to run her fingers through my hair….comalong and be my party doll…I wanna make love to you…to you….I wanna make love to you’…..Loma! What the hell are you doing? Evesdropping on me again, daughter of EVE! EVEsdropping? I don’t wanna make love to you, you old bag, you old fridgid bag of bones. Righteous woman? God fearing? The best thing I ever had that I didn’t appreciate? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Women are only good for one thing and that’s to……cook…….and clean…….and take care of a man’s needs…..And YOU wanted more!!! I shouldn’t have let Richard die? And I should have helped you get your bowel obstruction removed? A simple operation? You’re glad you died? Sick of living with me? I was the husband from hell??? Made ‘Hagar the Horrible’ look like a saint? Who’s Hagar? I don’t wanna know….he’s probably some wimp that walks around in sandals like that goofy Jesus Christ. Nag…nag….nag…
“Oh dammit, I did it again! Well hello there, Jesus Christ! You old son-of-a-gun! What are you up to today? Getting ready to show me some plain truth? Oh, I saw plenty of that on earth? Delusional? Printed bullshit? Now I get the real stuff? You’re taking me to where? What the hell do I want to go into the mother’s room for? That’s just for women with scrawling brats! You want me to see how badly I treated them? Put them down for everything? Made life hell for them? Took away their strollers because I wanted to make it harder and harder for them to attend church so I could scorn them? So I could shame them? So I could make having babies seem like a bad thing? So, Jesus Christ, what’s your point? So I put some shit on them. So what? So I said mother love was a selfish love…so what!? So I made them out to be bad because they bonded with their babies? So? So what’s your point, Jesus Christ? Jesus…….where’d you go?
“Hopeless? You say I’m hopeless? Shit. Who gives a damn!”
Chapter Seven
“Hopeless! How dare him say I’m hopeless! I know what hopeless is…its people like the dumb sheep. I got them to pay and pray…pay and pray…pay and pray…all the while I went to the bank and stashed their money. Ha ha ha ha ha…..Who are you? Do I know you? You look like a wacko!! You’re from Waco? Oh, from near Big Sandy, Texas where I had one of the Ambassador College campuses. So what are you doing here? Took your followers to the promised land? Yeah? Ha ha ha ha….So your name is David? Yeah, I’m from the seed of David myself. Koresh? Oh, never heard of you! Branch Davidians? Oh, well I’m from the ‘branch Herbertians’, ha ha ha ha ha! So what’s a Branch Davidian? Oh, used to be part of the Seventh Day Adventists. Whatda ya know David! The Worldwide Church of God was a branch off the Seventh Days too. In the old days I called my church the Radio Church of God after I left the Seventh Dayers back in Oregon. Control freaks!!!…the whole lot of them. All they wanted to do was tell me what to preach! Had to control everything! No room for creativity! So David, how come you’re here? Oh, the government came after you and your group? They stopped you dead in your tracks? Your place burned to the ground at Waco? All the members too? Wow, I guess you did lead them to the promised land, David! So what are you doing here? Anybody take you around and show you the place? Ever try their pork chops? Hey David………David………..I didn’t mean to insult him. What a jerk. Hey David……where ever you are! Don’t knock ’em ’till you’ve tried ’em……heh heh heh….
“What a loser! I never saw the likes of him before. Almost like that bunch down in Guyana and Jim Jones! Oh I did it again. Hello, I’m Herbert W. Armstrong…and who are you? Jones? Jim Jones? You brought your group here too? You took your people to their place of safety in Guyana and ended up killing them off? Not bragging about it? Sure I had a place of safety all lined up for my followers too. Petra in Jordan. Yeah, that’s right…in the desert. Sure they would have followed me there. They would have gone anywhere I told them to go and done anything I told them to do. Just like your followers, Jim. Except I made sure I had them tithe, didn’t force them to live with me. Hell, who’d what a bunch of losers for company!!!! I had world leaders eating out of my hands! Didn’t you ever see my pictures with them? Never saw my magazines, the ‘Plain Truth’ and my ‘World Tomorrow’ program on TV? Oh you did see them? Full of shit? Jim! How can you say that about me? I preached the same stuff you did! And I did it long before you did and had a lot more people believing me than you did! How can you say I was full of shit? Oh because now you know that you were full of shit too. Oh. I see. They’ve gotten to you here too, huh Jim? Jim….where the hell did he go? Can’t stand to see how I was more successful than he was! What a creep!!!
“Speaking of creeps…here comes that damn Joe Tkach again. And he’s still crying. Hey Joe, what are you blubbering about this time? You’re feeling bad because you can’t find your black Cadillac? Well, well, well, things aren’t going so good for you here? They were until I reminded you that I am the apostle now, and you’re back to being an evangelist? Oh I demoted you to pastor? Heh heh heh, and your flock ran off somewhere and you can’t find ’em. I’ll just have to call you ‘little Joe Peep’ then won’t I Joe….Joe? Hey Joe, can’t you even take a joke?
“It sure is a strange place here. Run into all these weirdoes and has-beens and here I am still an apostle. I can’t imagine how they can all be so wimpy. I built an empire right out of nothing and made an impact like few others ever did in their short life time. I built the Ambassador Auditorium in Pasadena and the campus, and look at all the good things I did with my life. I had a lot of fun. Whatda ya mean at other people’s expense? Who are you? What do you mean I’m an imposter? That I claimed to be Elijah……so what! Oh, so you’re the real Elijah? And when you go back to earth everybody will know who you are and you’ll clear up any of the damage I did to your reputation! Yeah, yeah, yeah….so what! Dammit! Can’t get away with anything!
“I still can’t find headquarters. I’ll have to try this road and see where it leads me….I hope I don’t run into any more kooks! I can hardly stand these ultra-humble characters. Elijah. Ha. Next thing you know I’ll have John the Baptist on my case! Oh, I better look out or he’ll show up! If I keep my mouth shut I won’t get into trouble? Oh, its you Trechak! I might have known I couldn’t have a day without you coming around to harass me and make my life miserable. Oh, so think it’s about time that I have to look at the reality of what I’ve done and make amends? So which rock you been hidin’ under John? You just got here and you’re trying to tell me how things are to be? Better get wiser young man. I’ve got a lot more experience than you….and you know it. Yeah, John…I know you know just about everything about me because you’ve been researching me for years….Get a life, John. Don’t you have anything better to do than follow me around? You saw me talking to several different people today? Oh, so now you’re going to write about me in that damn paper of yours? No? You quit publishing it? Oh yeah, I forgot John. You’re here on this side now. You’re going to start a new publication called the ‘REAL Plain Truth’. Dammit John, do something original at least!
“So you think I’ve got some amends to make, huh John? Just what do you mean, repent? Don’t you know that I have nothing to repent of, John? I even talked with Jesus Christ and he seems to think this is not possible. Hopeless is the word he used, John. A hopeless case. He said that I got caught up in my own lies and that I am delusional, believing some of them myself. So what amends could I possibly make? It was God’s will, John. I swear it. Everything I ever did, was God’s will. What’da ya mean I’m not God and that it was Herbert W. Armstrong’s will not God’s. And what makes you think I’ll ever tell you what the “W” stands for in my name. Herbert Will Armstrong…..Herbert Won’t Armstrong…..hey John……this is fun. I can be anybody I want to be and nobody can tell me what to do. Shut up? What makes you think you can tell me to shut up, John? You just did it because you wanted to? You’ve wanted to say that to me for a long time, John? There’s a lot more you want to say to me but you’re not that profane? Just shut up, John. You’re not taking orders any more? I’m just a fat old fart? Stop laughing, John. I’m not that fat. I’m not that old either……I stink? This conversation is going nowhere, John.”
to be continued…