Those who knew the late Herbert W. Armstrong (HWA) and are familiar with his Worldwide Church of God may recall Mr. Armstrong’s approach to his organization and all who he encountered. Truly, HWA was sole spokesperson and “Apostle” having an exclusive direct line from God. It is therefore in the truest sense of the word “appropriate” for him to continue to be the sole spokesperson in this satire.
“Whatda ya mean, I called you? Halloween man!!! Do I wanna go see the universe? In your space ship? I’d rather take my jet but I’ve misplaced it temporarily… it’s not equipped to go where we’re going? Oh… I see. What on earth is that??? Not EARTH?!! I can SEE that! More spectacular than anything I told my dumb sheep? Lied to them and told them they’d be rulers of cities and globes and universes… yeah, so what’s your point? These cities are ruled by God’s laws of LOVE? Oh, how boooooorrring!!! Yeah, I can see they are something else. Look like something out of Disneyland! Domes and stuff… like space city… oh, look, there goes a flying saucer!! Duck!! Heh, heh. No sense of humor Halloweenie!! No sense of humor at all. Better get with the program!!!
“Oh hi there, Bill W. Program? I need your program? Yeah, yeah…. attraction not promotion, but you couldn’t resist reminding me of my alcoholism? Bad habit? Drunk and disorderly conduct? Do YOU HAVE TO tell EVERYONE??? Anonymity? Never talked to anyone else about it but me? I never heard of THAT concept… true.
“Just because I liked a few drinks now and then, he calls me an alcoholic. Yeah, I guess it was written about in that damn book, the one about my so-called tangled web. Damn ministers ratted on me! Tattle tales!! NO I DID NOT CALL YOU, ROBINSON! But now that you’re here I have a bone to pick with you!!! You know all about my habit of eating pork chops even though I wouldn’t let my followers eat them? So? You wouldn’t pick any bones with me because you can’t stomach me? Oh, you and whose army, Robinson? Won’t qualify that with an answer? Disgusted? Going back to your own plane? You too, huh? Guess I’m stuck here all alone. Where’d Halloweenie go? Oh, we’re back home? Can’t take someone as bigoted as me to other civilizations because my vibrations cause the people to get sick? You some friend of that damn Quicksilver? You’ve spent some time together? Visit other civilizations together? Don’t like him much either, but at least he wears bright colored shirts? Better than my drab garb? So what’s wrong with my bathrobe, buddy?
“No dignity? No class? So who are you to judge me? Not judging? Just observing? Had to come to this plane anyway to visit me to see if I’ve learned anything yet? Now you understand why I’m still here after all these years? Enjoying visiting on your own plane with John Trechak? He come with you? So where is he then?
“Hey there, John! How the hell are you? Been feeling great living in your own vibrational environment? Not healthy spending so much time on the LOWER LEVEL HERE? Save the insults, John. Stop laughing. You’ll buy me a pork chop supper? Hey man, that’s the best offer I’ve had in a long time! So let’s go eat!! First you have to give Joe Tkach a message? He’s gained three points towards his exoneration? Only has 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,003 points left to regain his status and move on up? You’re going to celebrate by taking him along for pork chops? How sweet it is, John! How sweet it is!!! Have I gained any points yet, John? Not a joke!!! Stop laughing! Damn you, John!!! I was just asking a simple question! Haven’t had a good laugh since last time you ran into me? Shut up, John! Just shut up! Forget the pork chops? Lots of CROW to eat!!? Damn you, John.
“Whatda ya mean I’m all washed up? I haven’t had a shower yet, John! Figure of speech? Have to get dressed up for my evening with you? Didn’t think you were still going to take me along, John, after all the insults… Not insults? Truth hurts? You’ve been exposing me for so long that you forgot what a bigoted arrogant hypocrite I am? Whatda ya mean, John? I thought we were starting to become friends? A cold day in hell?
“Some ‘friend’!!! I wish I could just fly outta here on my jet… No place like home… I’m really sick of this place… but hell, if he’s buying the pork chops, I’ll take a shower and get dressed! Always did enjoy a free ride! I mean meal… and if he’s sucker enough to buy, I’ll take him up on the offer, heh, heh…
“Yeah, I’m ready now, John. Do I have my wallet along? I’m buying? Whatda ya mean I’m buying? I lived off other people long enough and now its payback time? Damn you John! Who made you my judge? Not a judgment? Just the facts, man? The plain truth? Of COURSE I’ve heard of the PLAIN TRUTH, John! I invented it!!!
“Burp! Not bad pork chops, John. At least the shrimp salad was fresh. Nothing worse than stale shrimp. Whatda ya mean, I should know that for a fact? I just don’t get it John. John? Where the hell did he go? One minute he’s here and the next… he’s laying in the tulip patch again, flattening the tulips. Tiny Tim is going to have a fit! John? Stop laughing John!! You shouldn’t laugh on a full stomach… John? Damn fool is going to explode if he doesn’t stop his hysterics! I don’t have a clue what’s so funny. Hey Joe? What’s he laughing about? Stale shrimp? Go look in the mirror?
“I wish Herman and Stanley were here with me and I wouldn’t even mind listening to that damn Gerald… well, almost. These holy rollers are making me crazy! Now I have to pay for the pork chops! And no tithe money coming in anymore… how do they expect me to keep up this generosity? It goes against my spirit! Not to mention my pocket book. Maybe I’ll have to see if Loma will cook for me from now on… then I wouldn’t have to foot the bill… Oh hi there, Loma. Who’s that man with you? Your boyfriend? How DARE you betray our marriage vows, woman? Don’t you know I AM YOUR HUSBAND? Whatda ya mean NOT ANY MORE? Whatda ya mean ’till death do us part’ and we are now ‘parted’? I was just going to come over for lunch tomorrow so we could visit… Not interested in seeing me anymore? Too difficult to come to THIS LEVEL? Not YOU TOO??? Lowered yourself to come here… Yeah, yeah, yeah…. VIBRATION… NOT INTEGRITY!!! Damn it! No damn respect. I don’t get no respect. And now my WIFE has a new boyfriend! Damn women!!! Daughters of EVE!!!! Whatda ya mean what about all the WOMEN I had after you came here? Loma, I would never betray you… You KNOW that… Whatda ya mean I’m full of bullshit? My middle name is bullshit??? Shit. That’s even worse than warthog…”
“Damn WOMEN!!! Can’t use them HERE! Too Damned smart!!! I’ll have to see who I can con into padding my wallet… No damn privacy either… Who are you? How come there are so many of you women here? Whatda ya want with me? Oh, so you’re the widows from the Worldwide Church of God… yeah… so whatda ya want? Came here to confront me about exploiting you for all your money? Took what little you had away, and then squandered it? Yeah, so? What’s your point, ladies? I wasn’t the one who signed over your property to the church… had my ministers do that. Talk to them, not ME. Not interested in talking to them… they were taking orders from me… oh… just taking orders, heh, heh, heh… trained them well, did I? Heh, heh… yeah, so the Bible says we should leave an inheritance to our children, and you think I stole their inheritance? Stole their childhoods too? Promoted child abuse?
“Hey, get off it, ladies! You KNOW I’m God’s apostle and that you are subjected to HIS LAW!!! And if THAT LAW says that you are to GIVE EVERYTHING you own to HIS CHURCH, then you must OBEY!!!! So you OBEYED God’s law. What does that have to do with me? Not God’s law? Herbert W. Armstrong’s LAW? Heh, heh… Worked, didn’t it? And TAKE OFF THAT LIPSTICK!!! You look like a WHORE!!! Mother of HARLOTS!!! Jezebel!!! Another FALSE LAW? Heh, heh… the old hag! She thinks a little lipstick is going to make her look decent… what a dope. What a dumb sheep! Makes my day!! All these stupid women JUMP when I speak… heh, heh. I really ENJOY THAT!!! Makes me feel POWERFUL… was starting to feel dejected… now I’ve had my ‘fix’ for the day… heh heh…
“Whatda ya mean APOLOGIZE? To whom? Those women? You’ve got to be KIDDING, Jesus Christ!!! I’m not the least bit sorry. I will be eventually and will WANT TO MAKE AMENDS to EVERYONE I OFFENDED? Sure, J.C. Sure… heh, heh… Whatever you say, J.C. … fat chance.. heh heh…
“You’re going to enroll me in a film series? Oh, just the films of the families I broke up with my stupid doctrines? Oh, this ought to be good… turned husbands and wives against each other? Created a mini-cult in every household? Set the men up to be little tin gods like me and rule over their wives and children mercilessly? Yeah… so what’s your point? Gave men license to abuse their families? Children and wives were subjected to physical, spiritual, and emotional abuses because of me? So you telling me that it is NOT appropriate for a man to RULE HIS ROOST? Oh, so that’s EXACTLY what you’re telling me, that it is not acceptable for men to dominate women? The PATRIARCHY IS DEAD? Long live the Shekinah? HER AGAIN? Do I have to listen about HER? I can’t stand it!!! I just CAN’T STAND IT!!!
“My doctrines forbidding divorce forced women to stay in abusive marriages and there was no escape for them or their children? So? They didn’t deserve to have it any better, the damn whores! Not whores? Gotta change my attitude? Women are created in the image and likeness of God, just as men are? God androgynous?? Both male and female aspects are Godly? I CAN’T STAND IT!!!! I CAN’T LISTEN ANYMORE!!! LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!
“I’m not leaving? Have nowhere to go? Jet was SOLD? Guess who got the money? Lives high off the hog, just like I did? Had a “good” teacher! Both me and Joe? Where is Joe, anyway? Maybe we can go to supper. Hey, Joe… where are you? Won’t answer? On a mission back to earth to try to influence him? Fat chance, you say? A chip off the old block?
“All I wanna do is take a little trip… maybe to Thailand, or Taiwan… like those little Asian women because they’re so submissive… but no, can’t have my jet… says its gone… sold… I just don’t like it here… so many people bugging me… have to pay my own way… take responsibility J.C. says… Never did that before… don’t want to now… wish I had a Jack Daniels… just wish I…. Pity pot? You again? Telling me I need a meeting? Where’s the meeting? In the basement of Ambassador Auditorium? Just kidding? Not FUNNY!!! Not funny at all Bill. You’ll take me there if I promise to behave myself? Oh, I suppose I’ll go. Nothing to do here anyway except listen to these damn women whine!
“Powerless? Me? Powerless over ALCOHOL? First step? LAST STEP folks!!! I’m outta here!!! I AM NOT POWERLESS!!!! I have ABSOLUTE CONTROL!!! I am GOD’S APOSTLE!!! I HAVE ALL THE POWER!!!
“Whatda ya mean Jesus Christ, that I’m a pitiful little impotent man? I am NOT IMPOTENT!! Remember, J.C. I had implants to insure that I was NOT IMPOTENT!!! You’re not talking about sexual impotency? What other kind of impotency is there? I have no POWER here? Can’t push my way around like I did throughout my life on earth? Have to break my EGO? My EGO runs ME? Has absolute control over ME? I am POWERLESS and ADDICTED to power and control, among other things? Whatever a person is addicted to in their lifetime on earth, they carry over and have to deal with it here? I have many addictions I will have to overcome? So tell me, Jesus Christ, what are MY addictions?
“Had to ask, didn’t I… Says I’m addicted to alcohol, sex, my penis, religion, the Bible, totalitarianism, dictatorship, power, money, wealth, material possessions, women… damn women…, authority wielding, and writing booklets, to name a few things. Says that here I don’t have access to a typewriter, so I can’t pollute this plane with my prolific writings… doesn’t appreciate my twisting the scriptures to say what I wanted them to say… even if they misquoted him… it was closer to what he said than what I said he said…
“Stewing? Who’s asking? Oh it’s the Rooster… Look out or I’ll throw you in the stew pot, heh, heh… Having another nightmare? You’re glad J.C. is putting the TRUTH in my face and confronting me with it? It’s your job to CROW and wake people up, but in my case it’ll take more than a ROOSTER? The BIG GUNS? Jesus Christ has his hands full? There really is NO ESCAPE?… is there?”
“IDOLATRY? Whatda ya mean I am the EPITOME of IDOLATRY? That I set people up to worship ME instead of God? That I transferred their worship, love and devotion from God to myself, and then abused the hell out of them? Used this position of authority AS GOD to beat the hell out of them spiritually. Spiritually RAPED them, like I raped my daughter!? Have to throw THAT in my face again too, don’t you, Jesus Christ? Because you want me to admit to my insidious behavior? Because I seduced all of my followers? Because I had incest with all of my followers by setting myself up as ‘the father’ God figure, and then raping the hell out of all of them, and exploiting them to the fullest? By putting myself in the position of authority I became their ‘god’ and they dutifully snapped into submission through my use of mind control techniques developed by the Nazis… yeah, yeah, yeah, heard this all before, J.C., so are you trying to make a new point?
“So you’re telling me that by hiding behind closed doors and lying about the rape of my daughter when the hotel manager heard her cries for help, and telling him that my ‘bride’ was a bit shy, is like I’m doing now, hiding behind my delusions, refusing to face the TRUTH of my activities as Pastor General and Founder of the Worldwide Church of God? That I am in CONTEMPT for using God’s name, for claiming my ‘church’ was a real church of God, and being “GOD” to all these people, I am guilty of idolatry in the worst sense of the word, plus I’m guilty of seduction, rape and betrayal of all of my followers? You’re serious, J.C.? Oh, DAMNED SERIOUS!
“No laughing matter? God takes issue with anyone who deceives his ‘little ones’? Those dumb sheep you’re talking about now, right? Shut up? Now, now, J.C…. watch your manners!!! Your patience is wearing thin? And you think mine isn’t? …for once I don’t matter? For once my EGO is being FORCED to listen… for once all of CREATION is going to learn about me and my TRUE CHARACTER… OR LACK THEREOF?
“Once and FOR ALL TIME? The likes of me is going to be exposed? And those like me? My evangelists? Ministers? Deacons? Many of them were just on power trips like me? So tell me something I don’t know… I used to see them squirm when they thought I was displeased with them… used to like to watch them grovel for their positions…and kiss ass for every minute promotion up the ladder… STOP REMINISCING ? Not something to take pride in?
“You’re giving David Robinson a promotion here for writing that book, “Herbert Armstrong’s Tangled Web”? Deserves a promotion for telling it like it is? Exposes some of my cronies too? Yeah, I knew that. Had it banned in Tulsa, remember? Oh, you DO remember! Public information now… everybody should read it? You would like to promote it as much as I promoted the book, “Babylon Mystery Religion” by Ralph Woodrow in order to destroy people’s beliefs in standard Christian holy days and holidays… heh, heh… worked! Didn’t it!!! Not wrong to expose TRUTH in ANY form. Woodrow’s book a terrific example of exposing origins of FALICIES? You saying you approve, J.C.? You approve of TRUTH. JUST THE FACTS, oh I see… You approve of Woodrow’s book, but NOT how I used it to twist everything? I took away the myth people believed about the origins of the Christian religion and then replaced them with even more absurd dogma… yeah, so what’s your point? Exasperated? You, J.C. are becoming exasperated? NOT BECOMING… already frustrated beyond… the call of duty? Guess you and I are not compatible? Huh, J.C. Where’d he go? On vacation? Just like THAT???
“And who — prey tell — are you? The BIG BAD WOLF? Names aren’t important here? Have work to do? You’re going to show me the category I fall into, in the book of life? Right up there with Jim Jones, David Koresh, to name a few… not very popular? Others like me still on earth… Jim Bakker, Tammy Faye the queen of eye make-up Bakker, and the list goes on and on… so? What’s your point, “what’s your name”? Oh, your point is that FALSEHOODS created in the name of religion, in the name of GOD are in fact an ABOMINATION to the REAL GOD… and only God is capable of purity in TRUTH and has dispersed the TRUTH throughout the ages to ALL of creation? Just here on earth MEN got so egotistical as to replace God’s truth with their own and make a total mockery out of it all… So You’re telling me that SPIRITUALITY has NOTHING to do with most of the world’s religions? They are basically man made rules? Some reflect some of God’s truth, but many are made up of the LAWS OF MEN… yeah… I figured that out in my six month in-depth study of the Bible at the library back in the days when I was just getting started… right after the mud pack era… Oh you’re not interested in hearing about me selling mud as a beauty product for women’s vanity to be nurtured? Oh… heh heh… I thought it was a great idea!! Shut up?
“You’re telling me that true spirituality can be found in simplicity like the twelve steps Bill W. created in his Alcoholics Anonymous program? So what are those steps, “what’s your name”? Yeah… I really want to hear them! To see if I could have done a better job of creating God’s one true church on planet earth… Pay attention? Stop my delusions? NOT
God’s true church? Listen for a change? Admitted we were powerless? Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves that could restore us to sanity? Turn our lives over to God? Made a searching and fearless MORAL INVENTORY of OURSELVES? Admitted to God, self and another the exact nature of our wrongs? Ready to remove these defects of character? HUMBLY???? asked God to remove our shortcomings? You’ve GOT to be KIDDING!!! Ha ha!!! NOT KIDDING? Shut UP? Ok. I’ll listen… Made a list of ALL PERSONS we had harmed and became willing to make amends? Not a long enough bolt in the whole industry of paper making to make a list long enough for my list of people I’ve harmed? Yeah, yeah, yeah…. so what else? Make amends to them all? Keep taking personal inventory and ADMIT when we are wrong? Fat chance, bub! Fat chance I’ll ever admit to anything!!! Shut UP? Oh… I forgot… heh, heh… Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God… as we understood HIM… see what did I tell you, bub, GOD IS A HIM… even in this SPIRITUAL program … heh heh…Shut up or you’ll get the duck tape… Ok…what’s the rest? Pray ONLY for HIS WILL for us and the power to carry that out? Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, carry this message and practice these principles? Whew! What an order!!!”
“So here I am under the bed with the REAL dust bunnies! No way am I going to anymore of those damned meetings! No way am I going to get SPIRITUAL! No way am I going to admit to being POWERLESS!!!! IAM NOT POWERLESS!!! I AM HERBERT W. ARMSTRONG, GOD’S ONE AND ONLY 20TH CENTURY APOSTLE!!! Whatda ya mean its not the 20th century anymore? Ancient history? Have I been here THAT long? Long enough to have begun to accept the changes I’m expected to make here? Not doing so well? So who says? Oh, YOU AGAIN, Jesus Christ!! By now I should recognize your voice, but I’m too preoccupied with myself to observe other people? So here we go again? Another damned meeting? Other plans for today? Time to visit earth? And other realms? Oh boy, I can hardly wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Where are we, J.C.? Whatda ya mean this USED TO BE Ambassador College Campus? Whatda ya mean this USED TO BE Ambassador Auditorium? Times have changed? No longer associated with the Worldwide Church of God? Where are we now, J.C.? This doesn’t look familiar? Who are those people, J.C.? Followers of Gerald’s? They still worship the ground I walked on? Hey, man, THAT’S GREAT!!! Not great? Still deceived? Still worshipping in vain? Oppressed people? Can’t wear make-up? Can’t go to doctors? Still living in the time-warp I created? Still responsible for all of them? Who me? You’re holding me responsible even though I’m NOT THEIR PASTOR GENERAL? Oh, you are…
“Do I know what happens to people from living under this kind of oppression? No. Can’t say that I ever gave it a thought, J.C. No doubt you’re going to tell me, huh? By making them focus on “The World Tomorrow” instead of today, they lose their will to live? Their bodies become diseased? Tomorrow never comes, and they are not living a healthy life, ‘one day at a time’…? Instead of being present in the moment, they are ‘enduring ’till the end’ like I commanded them to do? Enduring is not a healthy way to live? Bare survival mode? Extreme stress? Causes them to wear out… live a miserable existence? And when they find out it was all a hoax it gets worse? Disillusionment causes them to lose hope? Hopelessness causes depression? Hopeless helplessness causes despair? I’ve rendered them hopeless and helpless? You calling me responsible for all their woes? Aren’t they on their pity pots, J.C.?
“Boy, was HE ever PISSED OFF AT ME!!!! Can’t even ask a simple question and he gets mad! How come people can tell me I’m on MY pity pot when I’m feeling sorry for myself, but when somebody else does it, it’s all MY FAULT? It’s not FAIR!!! It’s just NOT FAIR!!!
“Oh, you’re BACK! J.C.! Not your favorite assignment? You mean you take orders too? Heh, heh… Time for us to go out for supper? Hey, that’s great! I’m starving! All that reminiscing makes me hungry! This is a great place to eat!!! John Trechak took me here a few times. Great pork chops! Sure I’ll have some more. Mmmmmm these are good! Do I want to sprinkle on some pepper? Pepper you ask? What the hell do I want with more damn pepper? I suppose you want me to sit here and sort it out from all the fly shit!! I can’t stand it!! I just can’t stand it!! Oh… this is already sorted? Just asked if I liked flavoring on my pork chops? Nothing to go ballistic about? Stop laughing. Damn it, stop laughing!!!
“Something you want to talk to me about? Now what? Free will… huh? So what about it, J.C.? God gave us all free will as a gift? We are to treasure this gift? Yeah? So? By my dictatorship as Pastor General of the Worldwide Church of God I implicitly told people WHAT TO THINK, depriving them of their ability TO THINK? Oh? So what’s your point, J.C.? Your POINT is that I deprived them of their God-given gift of free will? Don’t you mean they gave me their wills, J.C.? No? By my constant demands to adhere to my doctrines, I essentially took away their ability to think for themselves and made them dependant on me and my ministry, like little children? Yeah, so that was the whole idea, J.C., to get them to SUBMIT! By doing so, I deprived them of a gift God gave to them, and now I’m responsible for all the misery their subjugation caused? Broke their spirit? Broke their will? Trained them like Pavlov’s dogs? Yeah… they did salivate when I talked about how great it was going to be in the world tomorrow!!! Really got them going!!!
“Do I know what happened to Pavlov’s dogs when he changed the rules? Sure, some of them went berserk! So what’s your point, J.C.? When I changed my doctrines back and forth like the make-up doctrine, on again, off again, I created chaos and cognitive dissonance? What the hell is cognitive dissonance??? Its psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs held simultaneously… according to Webster’s dictionary??? Yeah, so I told them that psychology of this world was NOT God’s way and forbid them to go to psychologists! That’s another matter altogether? Cognitive dissonance caused constant inner conflict? Do this, don’t do that…yeah? So? So many DOs and so many DON’Ts jam up their brain’s computer program? Conflicting messages? Stifles them completely? Shuts them down eventually? Some go crazy… some just SNAP? Some walk around like zombies… like Joe’s wife? Oh… Now I get it, J.C. Damned if you do! Damned if you don’t! Something like that?
“Do I realize the severity of all this? All WHAT, J.C.? Do I realize how many thousands of people both living on earth and on the other side that are still dealing with the effects of the mind control that I inflicted upon them? Many will go to their grave never being able to recover? And even once they are here, they will have to be re-educated and healed of their afflictions? Some are still asleep, believing that they have to sleep when they come here, for a thousand years, while they wait for YOU to return to earth? They bought all that, did they, J.C.? They’re sleeping? Where? Oh… I see some of them in that dormitory… looks like angels ministering to them, watching over them. Boy they really look angelic!! I always told my followers that all spirit beings were demons! Those angels don’t look like demons! They’re not? Nursing the injured spirits? Soothing their miseries? Gently helping them to wake up from their sleep, so they can move on? Their disillusionment is difficult sometimes because they believed I was going to be there to help them set up God’s kingdom after the resurrection, and they look for me? But, I’m here, J.C.! What about that? I can’t GET TO THEM? Can only see the damage I’ve done? Oh…”
to be continued…