The Mad Adventures of HWA……on the other side! Chapter 25-27

Those who knew the late Herbert W. Armstrong (HWA) and are familiar with his Worldwide Church of God may recall Mr. Armstrong’s approach to his organization and all who he encountered. Truly, HWA was sole spokesperson and “Apostle” having an exclusive direct line from God. It is therefore in the truest sense of the word “appropriate” for him to continue to be the sole spokesperson in this satire.


Chapter 25

“So you’re telling me, J.C. that I left them bruised and bleeding, brow beaten and robbed of their life-giving spirit… Huh? A pretty big accusation, J.C., even for you!! Not an accusation? Only a matter of fact? The TRUTH I S THE TRUTH!!! Yeah, that’s what I used to say!!! But I called it the PLAIN TRUTH!!! Shut UP? Boy, are you in a BAD MOOD!!! I ain’t seen nothin’ yet? Geeeeeze already, J.C.!!

“Yeah, I told them they couldn’t go to ‘worldly’ psychologists or psychiatrists!!! That’s what the ministry was for, to go to them for whatever problems they had!!! Didn’t train the ministry for that? Of course not! They were trained to handle problems with interrogation to get at the root of the SIN!!! You KNOW, J.C. that the WAGES of SIN…. A bunch of bullshit? How can you say that? Truth? So you’re telling me that sin is OK? Oh that’s NOT what you meant? Sin is the wrong terminology? Huh? Now what the hell are you talking about? You’re confusing me!!! Any time a person breaks a physical law or spiritual law, it creates a result? Yeah… that’s what I told ’em… REALLY!!! But you’re saying that this means to maintain good health one must eat the healthy foods… to maintain mental health one must live in a healthy environment… to maintain spiritual health one must be in close personal communication with God… NOT A MIDDLE MAN? So NOW I’M A MIDDLE MAN???? Not a middle man? A middle man would be someone who was a liaison, a go-between? I was an IMPOSTER? Put myself in place of God? Set myself up as total authority AS IF I was God… yeah, so what’s your point, J.C.?

“Your point is that because of my interrogations, harangues, and assaults on people, that I caused them to SNAP and become totally dependant upon me and my ministers? Yeah… that was the whole idea, J.C. Break them down! Get rid of their rebelliousness! Whatda ya mean there is a difference between rebelliousness and free God-given will? God did not require them to be absolutely submissive… so why should I think I could do that? Because how else would I get them to OBEY ME? Your whole point is that I was WRONG to demand their obedience? Oh… I get the point.

“First time for everything? No business getting between people and God? An abomination to God. She’s really pissed???? She who? She God? Damn! I don’t like the sound of this, J.C. I usurped God’s place thinking he was a he, and now you’re telling me she is a she? Stop laughing!!! Damn it!!! Stop laughing, J.C. It isn’t one bit funny, you sigging a SHE-GOD on me!

“What the hell are you doing here again, John Trechak? Stop laughing at me! Came to relieve Jesus Christ of his duties, so he can take a break to get his batteries recharged? Oh, so now I have to put up with your miserable sense of humor too? I’m sick and tired of J.C. and his damn SHE-GOD and so now he brings you back to haunt me some more! Damn it!!! All I want to do is find my jet and get the hell outta here! This damn place is giving me a complex!!! Stop deluding myself? No jet here…! Yeah, I know!!! I’d be back on earth in a heart beat if I could escape!!! Yeah, I’ve already been told by some freaky hippy that THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!! And J.C. has seen to it that I get to see all of the miserable dumb sheep brethren that I screwed one way or another… I’m sick of it all… sick of it all… dammit John, isn’t there anything else I can do or place to go where I can distract myself from all this hell? I shouldda thought of that a long time ago? So now you’re my conscience, John? Just tellin’ the truth… yeah, yeah, yeah…

“NO!!! I don’t want to go to any damn meetings! I don’t want to be here! I don’t want YOU around! I don’t want… Whatda ya mean what I WANT doesn’t matter anymore? Yes it does, John. It matters a LOT. Not to anyone but me?? Here it doesn’t matter? All that matters here is GOD’S WILL? Oh shit.

“Whatda ya mean that for the first time in my miserable life I have to STOP and LEARN SOMETHING from other people, including YOU!!!??? You’ve volunteered to help me because you KNOW ALL ABOUT ME from investigating me for the Ambassador Report all those years? Well, what are you looking for, a medal? No reward? Just would like to see some change for the better? Won’t hold your breath?

“So now you want to remind me of some more crap that I pulled? Wouldn’t put it THAT way? Whatda ya mean it was bad enough what I did to the adults, by misleading them, but a thousand times worse for the children? Because they never had a basis of REALITY to go back to? Grew up on MISINFORMATION? Their foundation was not established before they were inundated with my bullshit? So their foundation is made of BULLSHIT? As a result they grow up abused, battered children, broken in spirit? So, John, isn’t that the point? To break their spirit so they’ll obey? Not what God intended? God intended the human spirit to flourish? Love, guidance, and an abundance of positive attention builds healthy self-esteem in children?? Worldwide church of God children grow up with low self-esteem, broken spirits, a hole in their soul that leads to addictions and a lifetime of trying to fill the insatiable void? So isn’t that normal, John? John? Whatda you blubbering about John? What a sap! Tears running down your face like a damn fool!!!

“What the hell do you mean that EMOTIONS are a GOD-GIVEN GIFT? Are you TOTALLY CRAZY, John? Go check out the book of Genesis? In their image created he them? Made in the image and likeness of God, including emotions? NO SHIT, John! You believe it’s ok for MEN to be emotional? It is obviously a WOMAN’S WEAKNESS that she is EMOTIONAL!! I spent my entire career preaching how weak those emotional women are, and now you’re telling me MEN can cry? You’re NUTS, John. Just plain nuts!!! What a damn wimp. Crying like a baby! Here’s my handkerchief! Mop up your damn tears!!!

Whatda ya mean, GO TO HELL??? John? John? Where the hell did he disappear to? Oh the hell with him! I’m sick of him and his self-righteous attitude! I’m hungry. Time for some scrumptious pork chops! Yum… yum!!!”


Chapter 26

“Mmmmmmm!!!! Sure love those pork chops!!! I can hardly believe that my followers actually lived according to the Levitical 23 law of clean meats all those years while I enjoyed my delicious pork chops! They never knew I went out dancing on Friday nights either because they were all home keeping the ‘Sabbath’ from sundown to sundown, heh heh… funny they never wondered why I didn’t make them keep ALL the Jewish holy days… heh heh… like Purim. Didn’t figure I could get them to pay their holy day offerings for the commemoration of delivering the Jews from being massacred by Haman, since after all, MINE was a Christian church, NOT a Jewish church. Oh well… I managed to have enough holy days to collect lots of offerings anyway. Yeah, it was a good plan I had… I could advertise the FREE LITERATURE to the whole world and tell them I’d never require money from the public, and all the while squeeze the pockets and pocket books of all my devotees… heh, heh… worked like a charm…

“Whatda ya mean interesting line of thought, Jesus Christ? EVESdropping on ME AGAIN I see!! Don’t I get ANY privacy here? I don’t? Every thought? Every word? Censored!!? Damn! Can’t even talk to myself anymore without getting in trouble! Not in trouble? You already knew all about how I used the Jewish holy days to exploit innocent people who were seeking to do God’s will? Just misguided folks, most of them… yeah. Except for the ones like me? You mean to say there are others LIKE ME? I taught them well? Created a whole lots of big ripples? Oh yeah. I remember. We talked about this before. So now what, J.C.? Do I get to do some fun stuff? I don’t? Had my fun on earth? Now its time to repent for REAL? You serious? You really are serious, J.C.? I can start by apologizing to John Trechak for being so callous when he began to cry? After all the shit he has reported on me you expect me to apologize for one little incident? You do? John was following the dictates of his heart to expose me and my lies, when all I was doing was insulting him for having feelings and hurting for my victims? Geezeeeee, J.C. Whatda ya mean I even chastised my ‘brethren’ for saying “Geeze” or any reference to you? Yeah, so what? Take my own advise? That or shut up?

“You’re going to take me on a little journey? Can we go on my jet? Don’t have a jet anymore? This time we fly by the seat of our pants? Just go in spirit… invisible… no one will see us? Oh they will see us? Wow… like ghosts? Really? This sounds like FUN!!! Where are we? Oh, back on earth… who are these people? Hey, J.C., they’re real ghosts! Are we going to be ghost bustin’? Not a game! Shut up and listen? Discarnate spirits? Never heard that term before… demons? Not demons!!!? People who don’t realize they are dead? Wow, never heard of such a thing before! Some of these people were in the Worldwide Church of God and were so afraid to die because they thought they would be oblivious in the grave that they were afraid to go to the LIGHT when they died? What the hell does THAT mean? What IS the LIGHT? Didn’t I EVER read the Bible? You, J.C., are the LIGHT? That part was TRUE? Oh. So these people wander around earth, not believing they’re dead, and are stuck between planes? Oh. I’m supposed to go talk to them and tell them it’s ok to go to the light, that they won’t have to sleep in oblivion for a thousand years? Me? Talk to GHOSTS? S*H*I*T N*O!!!! S*H*I*T Y*E*S you say? Oh Shit!!!

“Greetings to you in the name of Jesus Christ, brethren, my name is Herbert W. Armstrong and I’m here to… how does that sound, J.C? It’ll do? Oh, for once I did something right? For once I found a “gentle” way to break the news to someone… the plain truth… oh, had to get that little dig in, huh? Shut up and get to work? Ok already…. Greetings….blah blah blah…. I’m here to inform you that you’re dead and it’s ok to go to the light because the light is Jesus Christ and he’ll lead you to the other side where you won’t be asleep for a thousand years like I preached. Don’t believe I’m HIM? Too SHORT? Too FAT? Too OLD? TOO NICE? Now whatda I do, J.C.? Keep talking? Had enough practice to squirm myself in and out of many fiascos, this should be a piece of cake? Yeah yeah… Yeah, I’m really him, brethren. I died and ended up on the other side and found out I was still alive and not in the first resurrection and here I am trying to make amends… Confusing you? What the hell is the other side? All DEMONS there? Boy… I guess I did really confuse them, J.C. They don’t believe me now.

“Try to word my spiel with a little more finesse? Ask them if they’d like to reunite with their loved ones who have died? Ask them if they would like to meet you, J.C.? Ask them if they ever had a pet that died that they’d like to see again? Huh? You NUTS? Pets survive death too? NO SHIT!? Ok, let’s see how I can do… Hi folks… remember me? You do, huh? Never saw me in person but watched ‘The World Tomorrow’ program faithfully, read the ‘Plain Truth’, paid your tithes and holy day offerings… tried to endure to the end… so folks, would you like to come with me and meet Jesus Christ? You want to know, is this the millennium? Well, yes and no… more yes than no… It’s the year 2000 and… NO Jesus didn’t come back yet… well he’s here… but he’s not exactly BACK… confused? I’ll try to explain… if we go towards that bright light over there, we’ll meet up with Jesus Christ and he’ll give you the details… and by the way would you like to see your deceased relatives and maybe your cat or dog? NO I AM NOT A CRAZED DEMON!!! Wouldn’t follow me anywhere? Imposter? Don’t even look like Herbert W. Armstrong? He wore expensive suits, not a ratty bathrobe? Get lost?

“Well, there you have it, Jesus Christ! Nobody believes me!!! You’ll give it a try and I should watch? Ok… I’ll watch… this autta be good…

Oh my GOD! They’re shrieking and running away!!! Screaming DEMON at Jesus Christ!!! I can’t BELIEVE it!!! They’re TERRIFIED!!!! He’s trying to explain to them who he IS, but they THINK HE’S A DEMON or SATAN THE DEVIL!!!!!!! Jesus is CRYING… NO HE’S SOBBING!!! What’s happening? Who are those people???? Oh its Buddha, Mohammad, Mary Magdalene, his mother Mary and they are surrounding him and blending in with him… WOW… They are RADIATING BRILLIANT COLORED LIGHT!!!! AWESOME!!!! I can feel the warmth from their light!!! They are escorting him away…. they’re gone… everybody’s gone… I’m here alone…”


Chapter 27

“Wow! Was THAT something! I never saw anything LIKE it!!! Now whatda I do? Hey, you guys… Brethren… please… listen to me! I was telling the truth… the real truth… Nobody will listen… they’re still running away and hiding. All because they think I’m some kind of demon. Who are YOU? My spirit guide? My guardian angel who spent my whole life with me on earth… UNTIL you resigned in frustration. Oh. I never really believed in that guardian stuff. Doesn’t matter? Truth is the truth even if nobody believes it. Difference between beliefs and truths? Oh. Where are we going? Back to the other side? Oh, good. Its rather disheartening here, if I do say so myself!

“What place is this? Just wait here and Jesus Christ will be coming to spend some time here with me? As soon as he feels up to it? He has some special assignment for me? Books he wants me to read before I can leave here? No leaving until I’m finished reading them? ALL of them? How many is ALL OF THEM? About 18? How the hell can I read 18 books? Made people read a hell of a lot more of MY STUPID BOOKS!! Yeah, so? Drop the attitude? No more patience with me? Jesus is coming?

“Greetings to you in the name of… uh…huh… kinduv a habit, J.C. speakin’ in your name and all… best to pay attention while you can speak civil to me? Running low on patience? So, what’s up, Doc? CAN the attitude? Show some respect? Yeah, yeah, J.C., what’s it this time you want me to do. That guide guy told me you want me to read some books… 18 of ’em. How the hell am I going to read 18 books? Start with the children’s book? “Mountains, Meadows and Moonbeams”? Has all the basics in it that I need to learn? The truth? The plain truth, no pun intended, huh? Plain and simple… Written by someone NEAR and DEAR to your heart? She’s still on planet earth, writing the books you want her to write… No? Books GOD wants her to write… you’re only the messenger… So is she… doing what is hers to do… Oh, I see. Another FEMALE author! Huh? So who wrote these books? Her name is Mary Summer Rain? Never heard of her, J.C. I’ll get to know her by reading her books? Oh. No choice? Always a choice… oh good… let me outa here! Not until I’ve read the books? Choice is mine how soon I want to leave… AFTER I’ve read them? Oh.

“I have to read them in the order you tell me? Reason for this? Get the basics first, the bigger stuff as I go along… Can’t handle the heavy-duty truth until I understand the little things like are in this kid’s book… Another kids book then… What’s the name of that? “Star Babies”? About astronomy? Not exactly… oh. Book of origins. Hummm… The next one is “Spirit Song”, then “Phoenix Rising”, then “Dreamwalker” and then “Phantoms Afoot”? Sound strange to me… what are they all about? Basic truths given to all mankind that have been lost and forgotten… oh. Explains all these ghostly things, huh, Doc? You’re not “Doc” and wish to be called by your name. Ok, ok Jesus Christ. I was only being playful. No time to play now? Days of playing are behind me for awhile? Read or no more pork chops? That’s not fair, J.C. Just not fair!!! It is fair? Only way to convince me to do something is reward me like a little kid? Thanks a heap, J.C. Yeah, yeah…. I’ll read!

“Wow!!! This ‘mountain’ book tells how people travel in their spirit while they dream… just like all those who came here to visit me in their nightmares! Wow! This is going to be interesting! Wish I had some pop corn to munch on while I read! Oh, here’s a bucket of it right from the theater, huh? Hot from the popper? Thanks. Hey, this is great! Now if I had a beer… don’t push my luck… huh. Ok.. I’ll settle for lemonade, J.C. since you insist!

“After I read these we’ll go back and see those discarnate spirits again. Take some helpers along who know how to do the love meld? What the hell is a love meld? Oh, that’s what those people who came to help you, J.C., did when they were glowing? Hum… It takes LOVE to bring discarnates to the light… lots of LOVE and I never had real love… too freaked out already when you tried to help them… yeah… I noticed that, J.C.

“You’re going to bring me the stack of books now? Read the first six and then read them all in the order they’re stacked… “Earthway”, “Daybreak”, “Soul Sounds”, “Whispered Wisdom”, “Ancient Echoes”, “Bittersweet”, “Mary Summer Rain’s Guide to Dream Symbols”, “The Visitation”, “Fireside”, “Eclipse”, “The Singing Web”, and lastly, “The Seventh Mesa”. I hope you’ll be bringing me more than JUST POP CORN while I read ALL THESE!!!! I’ll have to do another SIX MONTHS IN-DEPTH STUDY!!!! Whatda ya mean a day is as a thousand years here? Whatda ya mean TAKE ALL THE TIME I NEED??? Plenty of pop corn on hand? Even pork chops in the fridge? Learn to cook, too? THAT’S W*o*m*e*n*s WORK…. NOT? Not. Oh Shit!

“Now I have to read all these damn books. Here I sit all by myself and I hate it. I just hate it. Nobody to fetch my slippers. Nobody to run my bath water. Nobody to listen to me whine? At least I can whine if I WANT to… I’ll WHINE whenever I want to! I’ll do whatever I WANT if I WANT TO!!! After all, I’m God’s apostle!!!

“Hummm… says here that everybody has a spark of God inside them…. hummm…I suppose when the BIG BANG exploded that’s when everybody got sparked! Heh, heh… Close to the truth? Chips off the Great Spirit? Not an accidental explosion? You’re back? Yeah, J.C. I’ve been readin’ in here. Interesting… Almost confirms some of my writings in “Mystery of the Ages”… Oh, except that Mary Summer Rain’s books aren’t laced with bullshit like mine? Even her book of fiction, “Seventh Mesa” has more truth in it than any of my writings? That’s not nice to say, J.C. Not nice at all!!!! The truth IS the TRUTH?”

to be continued…

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