Those who knew the late Herbert W. Armstrong (HWA) and are familiar with his Worldwide Church of God may recall Mr. Armstrong’s approach to his organization and all who he encountered. Truly, HWA was sole spokesperson and “Apostle” having an exclusive direct line from God. It is therefore in the truest sense of the word “appropriate” for him to continue to be the sole spokesperson in this satire.
“That was GOOD pop corn! Lemonade wasn’t too bad either. Book was really refreshing! All kinds of things I didn’t know before, exactly. Like I had the healing stuff all screwed up. We do have the ability to heal the physical, but we have to be shown and instructed in the right way, how to help ourselves, not go off on a guilt trip over SIN. SIN really is just another word for disregarding the universal law of LOVE. Self LOVE. Loving self is taking care of self on all levels. Hummmmmm… My way was destroying people. The right way, is to live a healthy and balanced way on all levels… Not too much of this or too much of that… balance… Too bad I didn’t know all this stuff before, I could have… You again, Jesus Christ! You say its better that I didn’t have any more knowledge? A little knowledge is sometimes a dangerous thing? I’d have MISused it? Yeah, you’re probably right, I would have found a way to make MONEY on it.
“How’s my reading coming? Just finished the “mountains” book. Great stuff. Learned all kinds of things! Yeah, I’d like to take a break! Where we going? What place is this, J.C.? Better to ask when, not where? Ok, so when are we…. Crossed the time line?? Went back in time? Place is near where I lived? Oh… So these people all lived here back before recorded history? Pay attention to them? They are worshipping God in true spirituality? Following the instructions that were given to them by God’s messengers? Have a real spiritual life?? Direct communication with spirit? All of them? They do!? Wow!! Look at those lodges with all the steam coming up from them! The lodge is the womb of Mother Earth? That’s where they go to pray and receive the answers to their prayers from spirit? Really a foreign concept, J.C.!!! Not foreign? I’m the one who has foreign concepts? I’m the one who created chaos and complicated the plain and simple truth? Me and a whole lot of other false prophets and preachers!?
“So, J.C., you’re telling me that God gave all of the people on the earth the truths in the beginning of time and over the eons it got contaminated with falsehoods and dominating people like me, saw the opportunity to control the people and enslave them so they could subjugate the people in order that they could live in luxury at the expense of others? What’s that over there? Oh, it’s a village… Lots of children running around… happy and playing… old people too, enjoying themselves… enjoying the children… oh, and there’s some young men bringing in supplies of food and giving them to the elders first, and then dividing up the rest between the families in the village… so everyone’s needs are taken care of, J.C. Is THAT your point? One of your points… Another is that all are equally deserving… everyone has what they need… no reason why anyone on all of earth should go hungry if they had continued to live this way? Nobody NEEDS more than they need? Get caught up in WANTS like I did? Want everything? Like jet planes, fine Chinaware, jewelry… Not wrong in itself, unless it is gotten at the expense and exploitation of others… modern society advocates stepping on anybody, everybody in order to get ahead… Not God’s way?
“Unfortunately many people are not interested in living God’s way… Yeah, I sure wasn’t, J.C.! You know that! I preached the way of ‘give’ and that was ok, but never lived it myself… that’s true. Lots of things I preached were ok, but the bad thing was I was a hypocrite? Too much to sort out what was ok and what was not ok? Like picking fly shit out of pepper? Yeah, I see what you mean. Best to start from scratch and learn everything over again! Like I told people they had to get rid of everything they had learned and start with a clean slate? But then I poured spoiled wine into their emptied wine skins? Oh, I get it! Like the scripture says about putting new wine into old wine skins… The spoiled wine I put into their old wine skins caused them to rot from the inside out? I should think about that? Good analogy for what a cult like mine does to human beings? Did YOU say CULT? You DID!!! Mind control, money and POWER CULT??? Just as much a CULT as ANY CULT E*V*E*R WAS???
“Some cults are more damaging than others, but ALL ARE DAMAGING??? All cults have some of the same common characteristics? Not all cults have ALL the same characteristics? So tell me, J.C., what are the common characteristics of cults? People get isolated from others and from outside information… one persons sets themself up as the one and only source of information… like my apostleship, huh? Yeah… and what else? Keeping the people so busy with reading and activities within the group that they don’t have many outside connections… change their eating habits… sometimes sleeping habits… demand obedience… use guilt and spiritual blackmail on them… make them think they need the cult for their salvation… their eternal life is held for ransom… called tithes or offerings or service work… make them pay and pray… boy…did I do all that? And MORE? Up there with the WORST of them? LOTS of EZEKIEL 34 perpetrators like me? Those who gather a flock and then feed THEMSELVES rather than the flock… more to it than that but an example?
“Whatda ya mean I ‘conditioned’ people to stop thinking for themselves and then since I was God’s apostle and the only source of information they had, told them exactly what to think and believe? Whatda ya mean I didn’t allow them to ask questions? Whatda ya mean I forced them into conformity to MY RULES? Whatda ya mean I created massive FEAR in all my followers? FEAR controls!!? You mean I created a false sense of belonging to “God’s one and only true church” and then could play all of my little and not so little CONTROL games on them?? Like what? Made them dependant on me and the ministry to make all their decisions like they were little children… changed the rules so they’d stay confused and afraid in case they did something that could cause them disfellowshipment… left them no privacy… fear that their secrets revealed to the ministry would be broadcast to the brethren… demanded absolute loyalty to MYSELF, disregarding God, spouses, children, family…
I can’t stand it!!!! I just can’t STAND IT!!!! You know everything I did, Jesus Christ! How can I hide anything from you? You KNOW everything I ever did and everything I ever thought and now there IS NO ESCAPE, is there???? None. I have to live with the knowledge of what I’ve done with the life God gave me? And how I misused all of my LIFETIME to MANIPULATE and CONROL people for my own PERSONAL USE… Oh I hate it when you put all this in my face, Jesus Christ! I just HATE it!!!”
“Shit! I burnt the damn pork chops! The popcorn too! I’m a lousy cook!!! I hate having to do all my own STUFF. I wish I had my DOMESTIC HELP like before! I wonder if I can hire a maid here… sure would make my life tolerable… and I have to read all these damn books!!! Just wasting my time holed up here like a mole when there are places to go… things to do… babes… God! I miss the babes!!! I wish… WHO are you luscious lips? I mean Miss… Oh! You’re God’s answer to my request? What request? Oh THAT one… heh, heh, heh, for babes… yeah… you’re quite a dish… like some popcorn? Don’t like burnt food? Pork chops are charred!? Yeah, yeah… I know… my maid service quit and I’m having a hard time here… Should have learned to cook many, many lifetimes ago? Yeah, but… But I was too busy pursuing OTHER interests… So what’s your name, uh… er… Miss?
“You’ve come in place of J.C. because he’s on another mission? Discuss some of what I’ve been reading? Like what? Oh, you mean that spiritual stuff in these Mary Summer Rain books! Kinduv interesting! Learned lots of things about paranormal abilities and various dimensional realities. Yeah, lots more than I could distinguish before. Called all spiritual beings DEMONS. That’s what I taught in my church. Easier to explain everything away rather than pick the fly shit outa the pepper, you know… Oh, you DON’T know… well, that’s a phrase I learned here… means discernment… Now reading these books I’m learning to discern all these various entities and states of interdimensional travel… Yeah, I see that adept people can do some really incredible stuff… Never realized this even in my six-month in depth studies of the Bible… Takes a lifetime of study and research, not just six months… not all answers are recorded in the Bible? Yeah, I’ve been hearing that since I’ve been here… Many other valid resources to learn from… Yeah, I did limit my followers to the Bible and MYSELF as their sole resources for information… I’m not too popular here because of this? Yeah, I’m beginning to figure that out… I may have been SOMEONE where I came from, but I’m just another tarnished soul here? Never heard THAT description before! I’ll be hearing lots more in the days to come?
“Did I like the first four books in the No-eyes series? Those the ones about Mary’s learning from her teacher? Yeah… not bad. Not bad at all… the one about coming earth changes was kinduv scary though… like the tribulations in the Bible… the same you say? Not future events? Happening all around the globe of the earth right now? Earth quakes, floods, weather changes, volcanoes… more of the same to come… and a rebirth of true spirituality… yeah… even after all the damages I’ve done, and others like me, God will cause the universal truths to prevail and religion will finally fall and crumble… yeah, interesting stuff… and the ghost busting… helping people to go to the light that are caught in between planes… like those discarnates that J.C. and I tried to bring here… showed how the love between people was necessary to extend to these unfortunates, and then with the help of their loved ones from this side, they could be convinced they were dead and finally move on instead of being stuck… yeah, some have been stuck for hundreds of years… explains lots of the ghosts stories we heard about on earth.
“Would I like to go for a walk? Hey, sure! Anything to get out of this place!!! I’ve been so absorbed in reading these books and trying to COOK that I’ve lost track of time. Time here doesn’t exist? We are experiencing ETERNITY here!!!? That’s where we’re going now? For a walk into another… WHERE ARE WE? Alternate reality? THIS is what COULD HAVE BEEN? Has to do with FREE WILL? Hey that’s ME and LOMA, and those are our KIDS… Ted… Richard… Dorothy… We’re sitting around the table together laughing and talking… and the grandkids are there playing… around the Christmas tree… CHRISTMAS TREE???? WHAT THE H*E*L*L IS A CHRISTMAS TREE DOING IN M*Y HOME? oh… yeah… I forgot this is another reality… a possible lifetime… or parallel one? Oh SHIT!!! Now I AM confused. Did I ever watch Star Trek on TV? Sometimes the crew of the Enterprise or Voyager would experience meeting up with themselves on a parallel universe? Yeah, so?? More truth than fiction? Simultaneous realities IS reality??? No REAL linear time? That’s only our perception of time on earth??? Have you been DRINKING Miss…???
“NO I WAS NOT being disrespectful!!! NO I DID NOT SAY YOU WERE FULL OF SHIT! But I WAS thinking it… Yeah… so you’re reading my thoughts too. Damn it!!! I can’t get away with ANYTHING here! Damn dame comes here with all this bullshit cramming it down my throat, and I can’t even THINK IT in my head and she reads my MIND and CALLS ME ON IT!!! Whatda ya mean if I had really READ the Bible I’d have noticed that it says “time was made for mankind” and that truth is stranger than fiction? It SAYS THAT? Not in so many words, but yes… God is UNLIMITED!? I made him out to be some subservient distant tyrant in battle with an equal but evil enemy, Satan… Yeah… so Satan IS evil!!! Whatda ya mean Satan is the invention of the Catholic Church??? There is NO devil equal in power to God? GOD REALLY I*S A*L*L I*N A*L*L… think about it…??? All there is IS God? Oh… All there IS, is God.
“Go back and read that Kaballah book? More books? Damn it!! I just got finished reading six books, and now I should go re-read THAT damn book? Not a DAMN book!!! God’s plain and simple truth! Read it!? Quit whining? Back to my reading room and burnt pork chops? Can’t we go to lunch?
“Well that DAME wasn’t ALL bad. She let me come here for lunch, John. I’m surprised to see you here, Trechak. Like their pork chops too? Couldn’t eat any pork while in Worldwide? Or lobster? Or shrimp? Or Clams?… yeah, I know I made the rules… so that’s why you’re having the sea food plate as a side dish? Oh, they’re for Joe Tkach? He’s holed up in some remote place reading books? Ha ha ha ha ha! Atta way to go, Joe! Hey, John… did you know that BABE that escorted me here? Just got back from a major earth mission just about the same time I got here? Read about her in some books? I did? Really?”
“Whatda ya mean its time to GO BACK TO THE FUTURE? Can’t I let my pork chops settle in my stomach first? Not REAL pork chops in my stomach? Just an illusion? Oh SHIT! I can’t take it anymore!!! I just can’t take it!
“Where are we, Miss? Not where? When.. Look around? Oh. This is what COULD have been had I NOT created the hideous entity I called the Worldwide Church of God? These are the people living their lives WITHOUT my intervention? They look happy! Oh, there are some of the little kids I met here that died before their time… they grew to adulthood… had their own life experiences… had their chance to advance their spirit… the chance I cut short by refusing them medical attention… Their parents are happy too…living in their homes, retired and content… have enough savings in the bank to see them through their retirement… not stripped of their futures like the reality I created by cheating them out of their money and homes? Oh and there’s me… I’m still selling mud… Only my business grew into a major corporation… an HONEST cosmetic firm that developed many excellent products to benefit people… You mean I COULD HAVE succeeded in THAT business? If I’d have put my energies into it like I did my pseudo-religion?
“So, Miss… does this mean that I get to go back and try again? No? My life as Herbert W. Armstrong was a one-time shot? Next time I have to go back as somebody else? Only go around once? Same spirit inside, different costume? New ‘wine skin’…? Different parents? Different group of people to experience? Sometimes same groups of people..? Called Soul groups? All have different personalities? Never the same person twice? I will have to review all of my lifetimes and decide what I need to accomplish, and then pick the parents that can provide that experience? That WILL BE a FUTURE life, so to speak? In linear time’s ‘future’… Oh I get it… It’s time within eternity… like a bubble of time floating in eternity? Yeah, I got it? Hey, that’s great! I got it!!!!
“Got what, you ask? Who wants to know? Your name’s Levi? Do I know you? Collected lots and lots of tithes in YOUR NAME? Oh THAT Levi… son of Jacob who became Israel who had twelve sons? Yeah… glad to meet you, I’m Herbe… oh you KNOW who I am!!! Whatda ya mean that tithing was done away? Whatda ya mean that it was established because all of the other sons of Israel were given land except the priesthood ‘tribe of Levi’? That because the priests were given no land and needed to eat too, the others were required to give one tenth of their livestock and goods… not one tenth… not exactly??? I always thought a straight across the board tenth… Not always? Not if they only had nine sheep or nine goats… then they didn’t have to give any? Oh. I required people to give a tenth of everything? Not the right thing to do when people had so little? Robbed them of their goods? Their food? Their homes? Their quality of life… because of my greed? Yeah, I’ve been told that HERE… So then when the Levitical priesthood was done away with, so was TITHING!!?? Should have been the END of it? Still used today to extort money from faithful church goers? So I’m not the only one? Lots more creeps out there? Maybe I can TEACH them when they come here if I’ve learned enough? Wow, THAT would be a day in history!!! Not everything is HIStory… ??? Some day there will be HERStory told too?
“OH, SO WE’RE BACK TO THAT, ARE WE? Gotta get those DAMNED WOMEN THEIR DUE!!!! What ever happened to me to turn me so AGAINST women? I dunno… I never THOUGHT about it! I just KNOW women are the weaker sex… blah blah blah… Shut up??? Not so? Equal? Only physically weaker? Mentally stronger? Have endured more? Have been experiencing their FEELINGS all along? So? What’s your point, Lu lu Belle? I don’t wanna MESS with you? You can turn me onto my feelings that I’ve STUFFED all of my life, and leave me a whimpering heap of EMOTIONS? But it’s WOMEN who are the emotional ones… blah blah blah… A bunch of bullshit??? Men who have shut down their feminine side are sick? Macho? Need to get therapy to address the emotions they’ve stuffed all their lives? Once they get out of their HEADS and into their FEELINGS they’ll be WHOLE HUMAN BEINGS??? Androgynous? Both male and female in all of us? Like God? LIKE GOD IS? DAMN! I was trying to FORGET the SHE-God! Nobody will let me forget!!!!
“So you’re telling me that once I get outta my HEAD and CAN the logical, literal thinking, I can get outta my own way and get EMOTIONAL? Like do you think I’m ready for the LOOOONEY BIN? At some point, some TURNING point, I will HAVE to get in touch with my FEELINGS? In order to progress on my spiritual mission of completion I will have to be IN MY FEELINGS???? Not so bad? Women have been doing it for years and they’re doing just fine? Jesus Christ an excellent example of a WHOLE being? Lives in full acceptance of his FEELINGS? That’s why he can be angry when it occurs to him to be angry and yet cry when something touches his gentle spirit??? Was God’s emissary? One of God’s chosen messengers to bring God’s message to earth? Made more out of the messenger than they did out of the message? Message confused and distorted by RELIGION? Original message was one of LOVE? Brought information of spiritual realities here to bring human beings out of stifling, controlling organized religion? Came here to set human beings FREE OF ALL THAT? ‘Powers that be’ refused to allow the perpetuation of HIS message, but instead made a martyr out of him… yeah, I heard that story before… Wait ’till I get to Mary Summer Rain’s book, “Eclipse” and find out that she confirms what that other author, Professor Fida Hassnain wrote about in his book, “A Search For The Historical Jesus”…? About Jesus’ life span?
“And then you’re giving me still ANOTHER BOOK TO READ? Don’t you think I have enough reading to do? No? Must read, “The Dark Side of Christian History”, by Helen Ellerbe? Oh yeah… that FEMALE author? Jesus Christ told me about that one!!! Why didn’t I listen to him? Just another female author, that’s why! Whatda ya mean women are just as capable of deciphering the TRUTH and recording it in print as any MAN is? Not the LAST female author I’m required to read? Just got started? Oh SHIT!”
“Harrumph!!!! Damn books. There’s just no justice!!! Here I am holed up in this rat trap with piles and piles of books to read!!! That’s all these people have on their minds, is read, read, read!!!! Like I’ve got an empty attic and have to fill it with trash!!! What a bunch of crap! All that nonsense about spirits and dimensions and time suspended in eternity and ghosts and ghostbustin’ an….. You again? I thought you were on another mission, J.C.? You’re finished for the time being? Not everyone takes as long as ME to get set on the right foot here? Some take only a few earth hours? Oh that time stuff, again, J.C. It’s just drivin’ me nuts!!! You shouldda seen all the stuff everyone’s been shovin’ down my throat!!! Oh… carried out your instructions? So it’s ALL YOUR FAULT?!!! How much did I get done? Six of those and half a dozen of the others? Warped sense of humor? Another lesson? Do I want to take a break from reading? Hell, yes!!! Hell, no? Not hell? Dammit! Be so damn technical, J.C. Of course I didn’t mean hell — the REAL HELL! Just a figure of speech!!!! So where we going?
“Oh we’re off to see the WIZARD…. blah blah blah… the wonderful wizard of oz….. yippie kai yai oh…. off we go… back in the saddle again…. blah blah blah… Quiet? I’m getting on your nerves? A lousy singing voice? Can’t carry a tune? Sound like a drunken sailor? Can’t get the lyrics straight? Mixed two songs? Ok, ok… I’ll shut up!! Where the hell are we now? Oh, we’re here to see a demonstration? Of how matter is created? Watch closely? No SCIENTIFIC PROOF YET for this? Just beyond what scientists on earth now understand? How the spiritual condenses into various levels of solid matter? Like the vibrations, J.C.? Wow!! I’m gettin’ it? Surprises you that I came up with that analogy? Getting the hang of things? Hey, that’s great, man, that’s just great!!!!
“So this is what science will discover through quantum physics? Called “String Theory”… Wow!! On the verge of new understanding? Unlike MY new understanding that I conned my followers with every now and then? This is nothing new? Humanity will see it as a new discovery, but it has been this way as long as time has existed? Remember ‘time’ is encapsulated within space, which exists within eternity…? Ok, if you say so, J.C.
“Wow!!! So you’re telling me that spirit condenses, becomes more dense as the frequency at which it vibrates is lowered, until we come to the lowest plane of existence, which is earth, made of matter? Wow!!! So everything that is on earth, is really made out of spirit? God is truly ALL in ALL? Everything that exists is BY and OF God? Now I see it, J.C. This is really sumpthin’!!!!!! Really sumpthin’…
“So where are we going to now, J.C.? Back to the reading room? Oh shit! I was just getting interested in something and you tell me I have to go back and read some more? Now I’ll understand the books I’m going to be reading, because you’ve shown me a basic element of the universal truth? Now I’ll comprehend more of the metaphysics of Mary Summer Rains books? Also more of what the Bible meant to say, but because of mistranslation and misinterpretation, has lost? You mean this knowledge was known back in the Biblical days, J.C.? It was known from the beginning of CREATION and lost along the way? Not by everyone… just by many…? The indigenous people of the earth retained these truths? Aborigines of Australia… Native Americans… people who were given the continents they lived on originally and dwelled there longest, retained truths uncontaminated the longest, because it took longer for MISSIONARIES to reach them and destroy their civilizations?
“So now, J.C. are you going to tell me that Christopher Columbus WAS NOT A HERO? Ranks right up there with Hitler and Cortez? Stole natives of Americas and sold them into slavery? Murdered? Destroyed? Plundered? Started the whole invasion of the Americas and was as brutal to the natives as Hitler was to the Jews? Holocaust not the first genocide? Many massacres throughout history, of innocent people? Because of greed? Power? Control?
“HIStory only reports what the conquerors want remembered? Don’t want future generations to realize how blood thirsty they were? Cover up the real truth? Sound familiar to me? Whatda ya mean, sound familiar? Oh, the part about covering up the real truth? Yeah, yeah, yeah… so whatda ya want me to do, J.C., get down and my knees and beg for your mercy? A good place to start? Haaaarrumph!!!! I walked right into THAT trap!
“I just wanna find somebody to go have lunch with, I’m hungry!!!! Whatda ya mean, is THAT all I think about, MY STOMACH? No, actually, J.C., that isn’t all I think about, but it is the ONLY VICE you’ll allow me to indulge in here. I can think of lots of things I’d rather be doing, but since you restrict my behavior… I guess I’ll settle for a succulent lunch… no succulent babes here anyway! Get my MIND off the carnal? Isn’t that what I preached? Yeah, so what’s your point? Point well taken? Time for a break? Halla lu ya!!!
“So here we are at the best restaurant in town!!!! I can hardly wait! You going to join me, J.C.? Got better things to do? I’ll find somebody to chat with while I stuff my face? Not nice, J.C. Just stating the facts, huh? Bye. See ya. Oh, I’m off to see the wizard… well, well, well… who have we here? Hi Joe. Haven’t seen you in a coon’s age! Where you been keeping yourself? Back in the woods? No? At a huge library? Been doing a lot of reading, huh? Female authors too, huh? Sockin’ it to us? Really cuttin’ through the SHIT? Giving us the plain truth, without all the BULLSHIT??? So Joe, you enjoying reading? More interesting than MY DAMN BOOKLETS? THAT was uncalled for, Joe!!! The truth, Joe? The PLAIN TRUTH? I’ll find somebody else to CHAT with, thank you! Hey you over there! Let me introduce myself… blah blah blah… my name is Herbert W. Armstrong, founder and Pastor General of the Worldwide Church of God….
“Where’d he go so fast? Dammit!!! Nobody likes me here!”
to be continued…