Those who knew the late Herbert W. Armstrong (HWA) and are familiar with his Worldwide Church of God may recall Mr. Armstrong’s approach to his organization and all who he encountered. Truly, HWA was sole spokesperson and “Apostle” having an exclusive direct line from God. It is therefore in the truest sense of the word “appropriate” for him to continue to be the sole spokesperson in this satire.
“Get down on my knees!!!! Yassir!!!! I appollllloooogizzzeeee for alllll my shortcomings!!!! I appolllloooogizzzeeeee for all my LONGcomings!!!! I appollllooo…? Hi dee ho ho to you too, J.C., and what brings you back to my HUMBLE spectrum ? Interesting word choice for my “frequencies of sound waves”…? My mega ad nauseam prolific wordiness? Mouthful, huh, J.C.? So what’s on your mind? Travel? Time travel? Back to the hay day of my earthly existence? You heard my apology and came running in case I was serious? Knew I was being sarcastic… Oh. Can’t fool you, can I?
“So what’s the purpose behind this latest visit, J.C.? I need to understand the severity of the impact I had on my followers? Oh. So sock it to me, J.C.! Not a joke? Pay attention and get serious? So show me… Oh, these people have lost their sense of who they are! They cannot listen to their own inner voice because I’ve told them it was carnal and Satanic, so therefore they hold no credibility for their own instincts or feelings… rely solely on my corrupt base of references… can no longer make their own decisions… soulless wanderers? So when the rug was pulled out from under them either by disfellowshipment or eventually the doctrinal disintegration, they were disillusioned at such a rapid rate that they lost their bearings? Ya mean ta say that the foundation I built under them disintegrated and they fell apart??? Couldn’t even pick the fly shit outta the pepper because I stole their ability for CRITICAL THINKING??? So some of them went crazy? Some of them couldn’t cope and committed suicide? Some of them let the pieces crumble and fall to the ground… and gradually regrouped at a HIGHER level?
“So some of ’em weren’t so bad off, huh, J.C.? Some learned to rebuild their lives? Went to professionals? Many were very misunderstood by the professionals who had never dealt with cult related issues before? Couldn’t recognize these symptoms? Thought the people were just nuts? Had to spend lots of time building credibility with professionals? Now some recognize the validity of the post-cult syndrome? Still lots of cults and lots of misunderstanding??? Some lingering effects are not erased?? Like what, J.C.? Trancing out at various times when watching TV or listening to lectures or radio? THAT all? Not all? Lost the ability to cope with normal aspects of life? Lose ability to spell correctly? Stutter? Short circuits the brain in some way by overload of senses??? Triggers posttraumatic stress? So you’re holding me responsible for all this, J.C.? Only if I admit to being the founder and original pastor general of the Worldwide Church of God? Oh.
“Not all? More problems caused by my cult? Readjustments to REAL world after living under my LAWS made them NOT FIT IN with the general population? Caused many to do things contrary to their PERSONAL INTEGRITY, so therefore they have had a difficult time forgiving themselves for their behavior while in the cult? So, J.C., everyone knows that the ‘world’s a stage and each must play a part’, like good ole Billy boy Shakespeare once said!!! Only correct to a point? The script writer is still responsible for the “play” because he is the one who tells the “players” what to say? The director is still responsible for the “play” because he is the one who tells the “players” how to PLAY THE ROLE? And the PLAYWRIGHT of the Worldwide Church of God IS ME? Therefore I am RESPONSIBLE for all the actors upon my STAGE? I STAGED quite a performance, huh?
“One of HIStory’s many box office ironies? A tragic irony??? Whatda ya mean it was a flash-in-the-pan SMASH? Had its hay-day? Disintegrating now like bubbles in a cold tub of water? Down the drain? The baby has truly been thrown out with the bath water? Caused enough plumbing problems? Plugged up many brains and many drains??? Getting carried away there on your analogies, aren’t you, J.C.? Haven’t even begun to explain the corruptions I’ve caused? Will take many more trips back here to even make an impression on me? I’m THAT dense? Still bogged down in my E*G*O???
“So, J.C., I thought I was making some progress? Reading all that stuff and learning all about the REAL spiritual truths…? Kindergarten stuff? People like me have caused earth’s people to lose their God-given facts of life? Pukin’ sick of the likes of me? Would like to leave me off for a lengthy visit with MY CO HORTS? Would like to bundle up the whole LOT of us and suspend us in OUTER SPACE? Except that there’s enough pollution there already? No respect, J.C… I don’t GET no respect!!! I GET what I deserve? Respect is something one GETS from GIVING? Not a free gift? Must be EARNED?
“Whatda ya mean, unlike God’s gift of free will, RESPECT is a commodity that is only gained through GIVING IT FIRST!!!!???? Whatda ya mean I caused all of my followers to try to GAIN SALVATION through their own EFFORTS, disempowering GOD’s REALITY of the GIFT of UNCONDITIONAL ETERNAL LIFE, and CONNED THEM into a FALSE respect for a FALSE APOSTLE whose message was BOGUS BEYOND SANITY, much less reality??? Not nice to say, J.C.!! Truth isn’t ALWAYS NICE? Some truth is the ‘painful truth’? I don’t get no RESPECT because I don’t GIVE NO RESPECT? N*O*W I’ve GOT IT? Just the idea… NOT the respect? Oh.
“Harrumph!!!! Whatta buncha shit! All I get is shit! Whatda ya mean if I didn’t eat so damn much I wouldn’t get so much? Give me a break, dammit!!! I’m NEW HERE! I DON’T KNOW THE ROPES, YET. Whatda ya mean I’ve been here long enough to have moved on to higher planes, but my ARROGANCE, EGO, ATTITUDE and HUMAN NATURE have caused me to be STUCK in my own pile of SHIT? Think about it???
“Now he’s thrown that damn HUMAN NATURE stuff at me!! Dammit, just because I used that on my followers all the time, now he’s turning it on me! Whatda ya mean its my KARMA???? Whatda ya mean I’ve earned the RIGHT to wallow in my own HUMAN NATURE same as in my own MANURE? Whatda ya mean I’ve excreted a great deal of refuse? Another word for GARBAGE? Whatda ya mean it’s my free will choice to either stay in my shit or progress to another level of existence by my own choice? The freedom to choose is mine? Now I’m confused….”
“Hopeless!!! It’s just PLAIN hopeless! Nobody likes me. I don’t get no respect. I can’t read any more books. I can’t even eat my pork chops because I burned them again. I can’t cook. I can’t leave this place. I don’t have any friends. I miss Herman. Even Stanley. Almost miss Gerald, but not quite. I’d even settle for a visit from John Trechak… just a friendly face. But NO. J.C. says READ!!! Read those damn books. I’ve read… Only got one left. Can’t read NO MORE. Can’t even sleep. Can’t do much of anything. I’m just on OVERLOAD????? Oh, it’s you J.C. You say I’m on OVERLOAD? Just a temporary state of mind YOU’VE IMPOSED upon me???? You mean YOU DID THIS O*N P*U*R*P*O*S*E??????? Made me read until I couldn’t anymore? Piled all this on me until I couldn’t function? HOW DARE YOU, Jesus Christ, DELIBERATELY cause me to…. You say, STOP???? Reason for all this????
“Sometimes the ONLY way to get your point across is to SHOW me??? Let me EXPERIENCE it for myself??? I’m too slow? Need to make some progress? Even Joe Tkach has earned three points since he’s been here and I’ve been here a LOT longer and should have made some points by now??? So what INDEED are YOU trying to SHOW me??? As far as I’m concerned THIS WHOLE THING IS H*O*P*E*L*E*S*S!!!!!
“EXACTLY? What the HELL do you mean by “EXACTLY”????? You mean that I am absolutely CORRECT in stating that this whole thing is HOPELESS???? Exactly??? Now you’re pissin’ me off, dammit!!!! I can’t READ!!! I can’t THINK anymore! I can’t COOK! And I can’t STAND YOU and your DAMN IDEALISTIC BULLSHIT!!!! So there, Jesus Christ!!! Whatda ya think of THAT??? Made your POINT? A successful demonstration of what I did to my followers? Created in them a state of HOPELESSNESS by making them live in the FUTURE, not the PRESENT, overloading them with information, putting them on SENSORY OVERLOAD like I’m experiencing now??? Also created in them an INABILITY to READ? Whatda ya mean I didn’t let them READ? So you’re telling me that by my forbidding them to read outside materials I cut them off from the real world? Yeah? So what??? And then by REQUIRING them to read all MY stuff and constantly HARPING on my DOCTRINES I caused their brains to SHORT CIRCUIT? Didn’t have PERMISSION any longer to READ?
“Awwww WHAT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT!!! Not bullshit? You’re saying that’s the way I RAN MY CULT, caused people to be at SENSORY OVERLOAD, caused them to NOT BE ABLE TO READ, caused them to NOT BE ABLE TO THINK???? I caused them to not be able to CRITICALLY THINK???? Yeah… so? I’m thinking pretty critically right now myself!!! That’s because I was NEVER UNDER MIND CONTROL???? But my followers WERE???? Yeah, yeah, yeah, J.C. So you’re laying a lot of shit on me now and holding me RESPONSIBLE…. so what do ya want me to do now, REPENT?
“Not impressed by my empty REPENTENCE? Can’t be trusted to REALLY change. Still arrogant, puffed up in my own importance and addicted to power and
CONTROL!!??? Yeah, so I’m in a bad mood. Sue me!!!
“Sit in it??? You’re telling me to SIT IN IT???? Sit in my FEELINGS???? EXPERIENCE MY FEELINGS??? OVERCOME??? Whatda ya mean, OVERCOME IT???? I can’t stand it!!! I JUST CAN’T STAND IT!!!! Call you when I’ve overcome it? A day is as a thousand years???? All the same to you??? Dammit!!! I Can’t STAND IT!!!
“I wish everybody would just leave me alone…. just leave me alone… Can’t because that would be leaving me to my OWN DEVICES???? Going to have a talk? I’ve got NOTHING I want to talk to YOU about, Jesus Christ. I’m all talked out! Leave me alone!!! Never ALONE? Always someone with us? A guide? A guardian ANGEL? Oh THAT BULLLLLSHIT again!!!? Yeah, I read the message from the archangel…. about following the commandments…. in the “Visitation” book…. yeah… even ten lousy commandments were somewhat screwed up in how humankind understands their meaning… but would be a good place to start… yeah, J.C., that archangel’s prophecy is really sumpthin’… oh and it will come to pass, unlike all MY FAILED PROPHECIES????? Really know how to hurt a guy, J.C… Truth is truth? I’m responsible for my own feelings? Gimmie a BREAK! Lots of breaks?
“Yeah, yeah, yeah… I know that archangel guy explains a lot of stuff that even I didn’t know about…. like the ‘IMMACULATE CONCEPTION’ and the PYRAMIDS!!! Levitation!!!! Harrumph!!!! Levitation… built by levitation? Whatda ya mean, just like I built MY CHURCH on a lotta HOT AIR? Whatda ya mean, well almost an analogy??? STOP LAUGHING! Dammit!!! Stop laughing! Its NOT funny.
“Whatda ya mean we’ve been watching holographic images for a LONG TIME, trying to explain their cause??? Whatda ya mean examples in the Bible??? The burning bush? The Magi star??? Apparitions? Whatda ya mean walking on water and parting of the Red Sea were done by levitation???? Are you telling me that I can’t believe my OWN EYES??? That’s what I told my followers? Not to believe their own eyes… ears… feelings… senses… instincts… but my reasons were not the same as God’s? My reasons were selfish in nature? My reasons were to control the people and create an illusion to HIDE truth, while God’s reasons were used to create illusions to ILLUSTRATE and DEMONSTRATE unconditional, eternal LOVE and TRUTH???
“Harrumph!!! Just layin’ a guilt trip on me!!! I’m sickuv it! Now I’m supposed to believe that killin’ is more than murder, but killin’s manipulating, twisting, deceiving, and destroying QUALITY of LIFE so now I’m a murderer too! Dammit!!! I think this WHOLE THING is just a HOPELESS PIT!!!! Like the HOPELESS pit I drove my followers into? More GUILT slinging, J.C.? Not? You’re allowing me to FEEL the HOPELESSNESS that my followers FELT??? Sit in it? Stop whining? Oh
“So John Trechak, you came DOWN here because you heard my request to see a friendly face? Just wanna see what’s goin’ on so you can report on me? Not writing the Ambassador Report anymore? Just being nosey? Oh, I see! You just want to know what I’m up to? Not much, John. Not much of anything these days. I’ve been doing a lot of READING… just one book after another. Have even lost my appetite because the pork chops are burnt. Well, sure, I cooked them myself!!! Why didn’t I just IMAGINE them cooked and the power of THOUGHT would have taken care of it for me here? You’re shittin’ me, John!!! I should try it? Ok. John…
LOOK AT THAT!!! It worked! And all this while I was slaving away in the kitchen trying to cook! Now I can have anything I want just by THINKING IT????? Hey, where’s that luscious babe that I saw walk by the other day?? Heh, heh, heh???
“Free will? Not just my whims fulfilled? EVERYONE, including the luscious babes have the POWER to exercise their free will? Would have to agree to come and see me? No takers?? Their FREE WILL just as valid as MINE? Oh, I see. Can’t order people around in this place? No authority here? Oh… yeah… I NOTICED!!!
So, John, you just came here for a visit? No? Have another assignment? So you’re taking orders these days? No? Volunteered for the job because no one else would do it? Came to take me to experience something new? Ya mean I can get outa here for awhile? Yippie!!! I’m ready to roll!!! Where we goin’, John? Can’t tell me? Just be patient, huh. We’ll be there in a minute! Hey that’s great man!
“Wow!! Look at all those mirrors!! The hall of reflection? Never heard of such a place, John. Why we here? Because I need to do some reflecting? Have to sit in that chair in the middle of the room, so that no matter where I look I see myself? Seems weird to me, John, but anything’s better than READING… You’ll be back? Ok, see ya, John….
“Boy, this is really uncomfortable… I don’t like looking at myself. I wish I was taller… And not so FAT… too many damn pork chops! Sure do love ’em though. Wish I had some that weren’t burnt… oh! Look at that! A plate of ’em right here! Wow… yum, yum…. chomp…chomp… oh… do I ever look awful chowin’ down these chops… never realized how I looked when I ate before… now that the mirror is here, its rather disgusting… Hummm, I need a tooth pick… heh, heh… works every time! Now for a glass of lemonade… oh HELL, I’ll have a whiskey-sour!!! Hey… it worked… burp… that was great! Gimme another one… burp! Bring on the whole bottle… heh heh, why ration it… heh heh….
“Hey, bub, you over there! Shorty! You’re lookin’ pretty whacked out… heh heh… teetering a little bit too, bub… so have a drink on me… burp! Now wasn’t that good! Never run out… heh… heh… now need a juke box and some music… and a babe or two… oh, listen to that music… hey babes? babes? No damn babes…. that DAMN free will… heh heh… oh but what fun it is to…
“Looook at myself in the MIRRROR? Hey J.C.!!! We’re havin’ a party!!! A party of ONE? No, me and that short, fat little guy over there, heh, heh… and that one ovveeeer there, and bub ovveeer there too, burrrp! Heh heh… like you said, a party of ONE… ??? Whatda ya mean party’s over??? We just got started……. OVER? … go home and sober up? Incorrigible? Burp? Who me??? Lockin’ me up? Confined to my rooooom? Burp? You’ll be back tomorrrrrow??
“Who’s there? Quiet down! Have some consideration! Man! My HEAD HURTS!!!! I’m coming… just a minute… Oh… J.C. it’s you. Now what? Whatda ya mean since I have turned my opportunity to take a realistic look at myself into a fiasco, I can come with you to time travel? Show me my behaviors David Robinson wrote about in his book so I can refresh my memory… since I already have the hangover? You sure are cruel, J.C. Not cruel? Just showing me my life as it really was… was I THAT drunk? Oh… don’t go so fast, J.C. Effects are an illusion… just like the booze was? Sober up? Get serious? Get a load of THAT!!!
“Whatda ya mean, didn’t I get enough drinking and partying back on earth? Looks like I was having a GREAT time, J.C. Whatda ya mean, don’t I have ANY remorse? No. In all honesty, J.C., it was the best time of my life. I mean… all the food, drink, women… travel… dignitaries… mansions… anything a man could want… I had it ALL!!! Whatda ya mean, what about LOVE? Whatda ya mean, does all that partying make me love myself? Isn’t that what it’s all about, J.C. Living it up? Partying? Enjoying life?
“So you’re telling me I’ve got to be SOBER and SOMBER and CELIBATE? NO!!! NO!!! NOT THIS!!! I CAN’T LIVE THIS WAY…. snore… snort… zzzz “Snore…. sputter…. zzz… argh! ‘Mornin’ John… Whatda ya doin’ here? You told me you’d be back? Huh? Where am I? Same place you left me? Huh? But I thought… I must have been sleeping? THAT was a dream? Oh SHIT! Hey that’s great! I thought it was REAL!!! Another reality? Here we go again!!! PLEEEESE tell me that isn’t so!!! Can’t? Have to tell it like it is? Dreams are real? That’s why you’re paging through that book on dream symbols? Dreams help to make sense out of what is going on? Sometimes we’re not aware consciously? Dreams tell us? Sometimes people in dreams tell us things we need to know? Sometimes dreams are really visits to other places? Oh, like that HIPPIE and those other people that came to see me in THEIR dreams??? Oh. Hey… I was dreaming!! I don’t have to be sober, somber and celibate then, do I? Sounds more like a NIGHTMARE, John? Yeah, it does, doesn’t it, John! Stop laughing… John… John…
“Dammit! It’s not FUNNY! I can’t even tell the difference anymore if I’m awake or sleeping! Give me that DAMN BOOK! Maybe I can figure out what all this means!!! Damn dreams! John, you’re not making matters any better! Stop laughing, John!”
“Haaaarrrrumph!!!! No DAMN respect! I get no respect at all!!! Mirrors! Who wants to glare at themself for hours!!! Vanity!!! Just vanity!!! And those damn NIGHTMARES!!! I can’t stand it!!! I JUST CAN’T STAND IT!!! At least I’m back here in my reading room. One last damn book to read… oh… and this one is about ME!!! I wonder why Mary Summer Rain would write a book about ME? Herbs… says here that the way to good health is through Herb….s… awh.. she means ‘herbs’ not ‘Herb’s’… awh NUTS! Them too? You EVESdropping on me again? Heard me talking to myself and just couldn’t resist the temptation to ‘drop in’??
Stop laughing!!! I mean it, J.C., STOP laughing! I DID TOO think she was writing about ME!!! Not about me? About all the gifts of the earth to mankind? That’s why the title is ‘Earthway’? Shows what medicines can be gotten from the earth, and what they’ll cure, and all about how the planetary alignments, and moon phases affects humans??? I don’t have to MEMORIZE the book? Just read it… yeah… I guess I can do that… and then you want to talk to me? AFTER I read just one more book? Another BOOK? NOW WHAT!!? I thought I just had ONE left to read!!!! This one is by Edgar Cayce? Who’s he? As a child he put his homework books under his pillow and absorbed everything in them by sleeping on them? Had special gifts from God? Lead an exemplary life? Drew his information from the collective conscious?
“So you’re telling me that this Edgar Cayce guy was quite a prophet? His prophecies come true, unlike mine!? Called him the SLEEPING prophet because he got his prophecies while unconscious? Even SLEEPING he was more accurate than me? I was just a FRAUD and Edgar Cayce was the REAL THING!? Rub it in, J.C., just rub it in… hope it makes you feel better… doesn’t make you feel better? Excited to share this great truth with me? Shit, J.C. I’ve been preaching the PLAIN TRUTH for so long never thought I’d get somebody else’s version of TRUTH shoved down MY THROAT!! Not forcing me? I have free will?? Can always choose to go to Belial? Who the hell is this Belial anyway, J.C.? Read the book? Damn it, it’s not FAIR!! Can’t you just explain it to me? Don’t have time? Whatda ya mean you don’t have TIME? I thought you said a day was as a thousand years here? Point well taken… glad I understand??? Dammit, J.C. You’re pissin’ me off! What’s the… oh… you’ve already got the book here for me? “Edgar Cayce’s Story of The Origin and Destiny of Man” by Lytle Robinson… any relation to that damn DAVID Robinson? STOP LAUGHING! It’s NOT funny! J.C. I was just ASKING!!! Whatda ya mean you’re not a genealogist? Lots of lineages named their children after them… adding “son” to their first names… like Herbertson..? Yeah, right!
“So this book will tell me about Belial and the Creation? Also about some other facts left out of the history books… like the rise and fall of Atlantis? Hummmm… maybe it won’t be such bad reading after all… better than having to look at myself in all directions… HATE that… not FUN to see myself… uh…you’re still here, J.C… What else? So this Edgar Cayce is the opposite of me you say? Gave his entire life to helping other people? Used his GIFT to assist thousands of people in healing and helping them understand the real truths of things as he was given them. Unlike me who did an ‘in-depth’ six month study of the Bible and Mein Kampf and used it to EXPLOIT PEOPLE for my OWN SELFISH GAIN… yeah, so what’s your point, J.C.? Just read the damn book, huh? Ok.. ok..
“And when I get done with that you’ve got a few more important books I need to read? You aren’t going to QUIT are you? J.C.? You’re going to just keep it up, making me read all that stuff! What’s your POINT? I really want to know, J.C… What’s your point? He wouldn’t want even ONE to be lost? Not even me??? NO SHIT!? Not even ME? Not even me… Well, I’ll be damned! Not be damned? That’s the whole point? So you’re telling me, J.C. that I’m NOT damned even after all the shit I’ve done? That’s right? I’ve just got a LOT to learn and all the TIME of ETERNITY to learn it… ? but if I want to get on the band wagon, I’ll have to make some effort to LOOK at myself and get HONEST? I KNEW there was a catch to it, J.C. I KNEW there was some IMPOSSIBLE BRICK WALL I could NEVER… one brick at a time? A few short of a load anyway? Get out the chisel? Whatda ya mean A metaphor? Think about it? Haaaarrrumph!
“Whatda ya mean maybe you’ll give me another book to read from the Edgar Cayce material? About you, J.C.? About your incarnations? You mean YOU were recycled too? Lots of times? Many trips to earth? Really saved mankind’s ass? And NOT by dying on the cross? What? Went to earth as a spirit to save the souls who’d incarnated into flesh… tried to lure them back to God… time and time again….? In spirit and flesh? Was rough? Whatda ya mean NOT by dying on the cross? Whatda ya mean that WOULDN’T HAVE SAVED A*N*Y*O*N*E????? Whatda ya mean that was a trick by the Romans to make a martyr out of YOU? Consider the possibility? Would change everything??? HOLY SHIT!!!
“So you mean to tell me, J.C. that you didn’t really DIE on the cross? All that stuff in the Bible about you being crucified is bullshit? NOT bullshit? I don’t get it, J.C. Now I’m confused… so you spent a lot of time in the middle east learning about yoga and many truths that were known to the ancients? Didn’t sit around preaching or knocking over money changers tables ALL the time? Had a lot of stuff to LEARN too? Had many teachers? Traveled all over the place? Was part of the Brotherhood of the Essenes? They knew the dangers? Protected you? Saved your LIFE? Brought lots of medicines to heal your body? Restored your health? Let you travel incognito for a long, long time afterwards, fulfilling your mission? Never meant to start a new religion? Was never even a Christian? Would never want to be one? Not made-to-order ‘Christian’ by those who made a martyr out of you? Hummm….
“That’s lots to take in, J.C. Lots of information contradictory to everything I’ve ever believed… beliefs AREN’T truths? Time to clean out the bullshit and learn the TRUTH? The plain truth? Whatda ya mean I need to read “E.T. 101” first? By Mission Control and Zoev Jho? ANOTHER book? Oh shit!”
to be continued…