CoG Checklist

We, at All2true, know how frustrating it is when you go looking for a new Church of God after you have been absolutely alienated by the immoral, unethical and illegal things your current church has been doing and you finally found out about them.

Therefore, we suggest a checklist to be implemented immediately by all the Churches of God on their opening Web Page for every one of their Web Sites.

 

While some may see this as only providing an advantage to the competition, it can also work to the advantage of those Churches of God who have not alienated people with their corruption.

This will facilitate sheople stealing at all levels and raise the efficiency of an already tight market.

To be posted on the opening page of every Church of God web site [place an ‘x’ in the first column for every attribute that applies]:

Nature of God

Monotheistic — One True God
Binitarian — Two True Gods
Trinitarians — Two Gods and a spare
Polytheistic — Many, many gods
Atheistic — No God
Agnostic — not sure there’s a god [what’s the point?]
Everybody is God — God is inside of you
Godlett — everyone will be God as God but not God
What do you mean by that? *I* AMGOD and also the Apostle!

Nature of Organization

Hierarchical — ruled with an iron hand from the top down by one man
Oligarchical — Hierarchical but with a group of men ruling with an iron hand
Congregational — ruled with an iron hand from the top down by a ‘one man show’ but claiming a democracy
Anarchical — nobody is in charge with everyone doing their own thing ruled with an iron hand from the top down by a ‘one man show’; Hey! you get to vote on who’s in charge–if we don’t postpone the elections yet again until the next seventh year!
Patriarchal — hierarchical but with women and children being invisible

Sabbath

Kept from sunset to sunset from Friday night to Saturday night
Kept from end of Evening Nautical Twilight from the end of the sixth day of the week to the end of the seventh day of the week
Sunday from midnight to midnight
Every day is good for it since we worship all the time
Sabbath? Sabbath? Isn’t that Jewish?
Friday and some day you infidels will all be Islam!

Holydays

We keep them all but use man made postponements because we think the Jews still have authority over Christians even though they don’t
No postponements ever [don’t you idiots study the Bible?]
Memorials of Christ to be kept in the summer during most people’s vacation times or on weekends in the Fall if it all
No postponements ever! We keep the sliver of the moon, usually two days after the real Feast Day

New Moons

You must be kidding!?!
Jerusalem time beginning at the End of Evening Nautical Twilight all day
Local time beginning at sunset until the next sunset
Local time at the End of Evening Nautical Twilight for 24 hours
Local time at End of Evening Nautical Twilight for a few hours until we all get tired and go home
Local time at sunset for a few hours until we all get tired and go home
Local time at sunset until we get ready to go to work the next morning
Jerusalem time beginning at the End of Evening Nautical Twilight for a few hours
Jerusalem time beginning at sunset for a few hours
Jerusalem time beginning at sunset until Dr. Phil comes on

Clean and unclean meats

That’s a Jewish Kosher Thing right?
No pig no shellfish and no cannibalism
No biggie we’re vegetarians
No unclean meats
No unclean meats but we insist that you eat lots of red meat for the heme iron and drink lots of red wine with it and if you are diabetic that’s just too bad
Hey, I trust the butcher!

Passover

The Lord’s Supper kept the evening at sunset on Nisan 14
The Lord’s Supper kept the evening at End of Evening Nautical Sunset on Nisan 14
Passover is kept the evening of Nisan 15
No it isn’t!
Yes it is!
You’re confusing it with the Lord’s Supper
You’re confusing it with the Night to Be Much Observed
No we’re not, you’re the ones who are confused
Wait a minute! You don’t mean you keep the Lord’s Supper on the evening of Nisan 14 then keep the Passover on the evening of Nisan 15 after killing the lamb on Nisan 14 at 3 PM and then staying up until after midnight on the 15th, do you?
That’s right, genius
That’s absolutely stupid! You’re sacrificing on the night after the Passover when Christ said explicitly that he was keeping the Passover and then you eat a sacrifice when Christ’s sacrifice was the ultimate sacrifice and the animal sacrifices are no longer necessary?
Look, stupid, it’s in the Old Testament and it will be kept in the Millennium
Will not!
Will too!
Guys, guys!
Boy we’re sure glad we ditched the Passover for Good Friday and Easter, sheesh!

Nature of Christ

Christ is God and has existed forever
Christ never existed until he was born of Mary
Christ is God, just one aspect and he was on earth and heaven at the same time
Christ was created by God first and is one of the Elohim as the sons of God and Lucifer is his brother
Lucifer was created first
No he wasn’t
Yes he was!
Anyway, Christ was the God of the Old Testament
Christ is Melchizadek
You misread the Scripture: He was of the order of Melchizdek
Christ was Michael the Archangel as one of the Elohim until he was born of Mary at which time he had a handy dual citizenship
Christ had physical brothers and sisters, and his brother James wrote the Epistle of James
Those weren’t Christ’s brothers and sisters, they were cousins
I’m not sure we can know one way or another since it was almost 2,000 years ago–we can’t even agree what happened on the grassy knoll sixty years ago; heck, we can’t even agree on what happened in the 2000 US Presidential elections!
Christ was just a nice man and a most excellent teacher
Christ never existed and is a myth

Prophecy

Uh, oh!
Herbert was right about all his predictions, just a little late
Herbert Armstrong was a false prophet
Britain and the United States are Manasseh and Ephraim or maybe the other way around–you know what I mean
British Israelism is true therefore the United States dollar is going to fail and the US will go out of existence for invading Iraq
You’re nuts!
The Bible says so!
Oh, yeah, where?
Uh, uh. Well it just is!
I thought so!
The end of the world is in 30 minutes and Christ will return
I guess it will take a little longer….
You people are so nuts: Your prophecies have never come true yet and never will!
Oh, yeah! You’ll see! You’ll be sorry!
Maybe so, but the pain will last for just a short while and then we will have a wonderful beautiful world and people like you will be very unhappy that there won’t be death and destruction any more!
You forgot Satan will be loosed for a little season after the Millennium–they’ll be lots of blood and gore then!
Whatever!

God’s Plan of Salvation

Some of you will go into the Third Resurrection if you aren’t part of our group!
There is no Third Resurrection
Humanity is irrelevant–it’s all about redeeming Satan!
What in the hell!?!!!
See, Christ gave that parable about the prodigal son: That was about him and Satan and God the Father–the rest of us are irrelevant
You’re crazy!
No, you just aren’t seeing things right. At the end of the Millennium, Satan will be loosed for a short season and after that he will die. He will be brought back as a mortal man for the Great White Throne Judgment for 100 years and he will repent. Then he will be brought back as God’s true favorite son. He’s the best looking one in the family anyway: He’s smart, he’s talented, and as far as God is concerned, he’s my son, the musician.
You must be kidding? Satan repents?! He’s going into darkness and blackness forever, just like it says in Jude–probably chained to a quantum singularity.
Nope. He’s going to be God’s favored son again.
And just what about Leviticus 16, huh? The old goat was led into the wilderness.
He’s baaaack! Haven’t you learned one thing about the Book of Job–that wasn’t about Job, that was God instructing Satan, as a first step to bring him back into the fold
That’s just nuts! You are interpreting the Bible and falling on the sword!
Says you!
Yeah, right!
If you don’t believe it now, you won’t be in the First Resurrection and I’ll be over you for the 100 years of the Great White Throne Judgment!
Says you! You’re in for a *big* surprise!
So are you!
Whatever!

Evangelism

New Covenant doctrine on what a nice man Jesus was
The United States and Britain are going down! But mostly the United States!
God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son that whoso believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life
The United States and Britain are going down! But mostly the United States!
You can have joy and peace in your life if you will accept Jesus as your personal savior
The United States and Britain are going down! But mostly the United States!
Benny Hinn
The United States and Britain are going down! But mostly the United States!
UCG: We’re not sure but we are studying it and will have a paper about it in about 10 years or the return of Christ which ever occurs first.

Baptism

We sprinkle where ever it is convenient
We sprinkle in church next to the holy water fount
We plunge and submerge at either the swimming pool at the YMCA, a home swimming pool or a local lake or river, but where ever it is you can be sure you will freeze before it’s over
Give me that baptism of fire!

Tithing

Tithing has been done away
10% of your net income is required by God to do His Work
10% of your gross income is required by God to do His Work
10% of your gross income is required by God to do His Work and since He is so bad with money, He needs generous offerings too
But you need to give your generous offerings graciously with joy and not grudgingly just because we are robbing you blind
You need to give 10% of your gross income and use another 10% of your income to go to commanded Feasts
You need to give 10% of your gross income, another 10% for Feasts and twice in every seven years 10% more for the fatherless and widows, but which goes for jet fuel, flying lessons for our evangelists and homes for God’s humble servants
Oh, yeah, and add offerings
You need to give 10% of your increase, use 10% more to go the Feasts and give offerings, except in the seventh year of release, you don’t pay any tithes at all because you live on a farm and you let the land rest–thus stealing tithe money from God if you happen to have a paying job–but it all works out since your income doubled in the sixth year [which it never does] and you can take the year off, hence the word “Sabbatical”, but in the third year of tithing, you give the second tithe to the fatherless, widow and stranger and can stay home from the Feast except you should have had the foresight to save money over from your tithes of other years because there is no such thing as excess second tithe or tithe of the tithe, except, of course, when the church runs out of money in the seventh year and doesn’t have any income and tells you to send in your excess second tithe for the fatherless, widow and stranger because this is the year of the reading of the law and everyone should attend if humanly or otherwise possible so you’d better have your passports up to date in any event. Well, screw that! That second tithe is mine to spend on the Feasts eatin’ and meetin’ and I ain’t giving it to nobody except as commanded and required by Law.
A tithe is any part of what you can spare of your income–it could be 3% or 9% or 12% but we’re hoping for a higher percentage with offerings, thanks
Give us all your money and we’ll see what you can make out–after all, the just shall live by faith!

Family

All of humanity is a family
Our country is a family
Our community is our family
Our cult is a family and if you don’t walk away from absolutely everyone else you will be thrown into the Lake of Fire and get that baptism of fire you were talking about!

Doctrine

Every word of Scripture is inspired by God and is a guide for our lives to give us joy, peace and love
Every word of Scripture is inspired by God, but you’d better have at least two or three Scriptures to prove your point!
We’re studying the subject; we’ll change it surreptitiously when we make up our minds and you won’t even know it! Check our web site often–daily is recommended!
What I say is doctrine! You can’t go to doctors, you can’t remarry and you can’t use makeup! Period! My word is law! My way or the highway! I’m the apostle directly under Jesus Christ and you’d better do as I say, or else it’s the Lake of Fire for you!

Ministry

Helpers of our joy
Helpers of our joy from 10% of your salary
We give sermons on Sabbaths and Holydays, which are pretty much the same thing, really
What do you mean, what do we do the rest of the time? We’re busy! Haven’t you noticed the pounds I’ve lost and the muscles I’ve built?
What do mean by that? Spending time with my neighbor’s wife! Ridiculous. No I haven’t had your wife yet! I’m gay, dammit! I founded Anchor Magazine!

Church History

Oh, no! Not that again! If you mention the Waldensians one more time, I’ll just scream!
There is a provable line of Christians from Christ and the Apostles who kept the Sabbath, Holydays, Passovers and New Moons until the Twentieth Century at which point it all went to hell under Herbert Armstrong who adopted the postponements which had never been kept before his time.
Based on what?
Based on credible sources, like the Seventh Day Adventists from the visions of Ellen G. White: Why the Bogomils are a fine example of Christians.
Bogomils were homosexual mystics of the occult.
Were not! That’s just what their enemies said.
Oh, grow up–it wasn’t just what their enemies said, their friends said it too!
Did not!
Well, the burden of proof on you, and so far, your ‘scholarship’ is something a school boy would be ashamed of!
You’ll never be in the first resurrection with an attitude like that.
Worth it not to have to put up with your nuttiness!
It doesn’t matter, since you are a Laodocean either way!
And what about the Living [dead] Church of God–they have a name that they are living but are dead: Doesn’t that mean they are Sardis? Where does the Laodocean church fit in all this?
Hmmm. Maybe you’re Ephesian instead because it clear you lost your first love!
You are vicious and don’t have any love–what church era does that make you?
Christians are the spiritual legacy of Christ and there does not have to be a provable line of churches to prove the love, joy and peace we have in our hearts. Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you and persecute you and God, the Father will redeem you through the sacrifice of Christ. It does not matter who our brothers and sisters were through history, for we will all meet them with gladness in the days to come.
You religious types drive me nuts: Read my lips, there is no God and when you die that’s it.
You poor dear. Let me get you a drink of cold water. Are you hungry? Do you have a place to stay tonight away from the cold? Are you sick–we might be able to help.
I give up!

Education

I finished eighth grade
I have a high school diploma
I have a GED because of the advice of Bill McDowell who told me to get one at the church picnic
I have a college diploma
I have a Master’s Degree
I have a PhD
I have several PhDs
I have several PhDs, been a doctor, a field researcher, a lab director, a professor, the dean of Yale medical school, President of the Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center and member of the Presidential Science Advisory Board.
The above person has no credibility in the Churches of God, because we are the experts and besides he’s demon possessed.
I am an aposlte–I don’t nead no piece of worthless paper from Satan’s collages and Universitys of this world to proove that I are God’s choosen won! University profesers are all controlled by demons and the CIA. This world’s education has brought on all the ills of this world but God is going to destroy all the werld’s edukasion systim to establish a grate new agrarian systim where the women will keep there plase at home bearfoot and pregnant and cook for their man, and the man will work up a good sweat working in the fields 18 hours a day with a wooden hand plough except for the Sabbath where they will all listen to me because I’m God’s apostle and nobody will need an education beyond what I’m tell you today.

Alcohol

No one in our church drinks alcohol
Everyone in our church drinks alcohol in moderation
Everyone in our church drinks alcohol to excess because alcohol is the finest part of the creation of God, it makes us feel good and will have that third glass of red wine with that slab of red meat rare beef along with our minister who told us to feel good about alcohol and that God commands us to drink it.
The arrest report for your minister is online

Mental Illness

We welcome all people and will pray for any affliction you or your family members may have
As long as mentally ill people are successfully treated and stay on their meds, they can come to church
We won’t have *those* people in the church
If you have a mentally ill member of your household, you’d better put them in a home or *you* won’t be allowed to come to church
All mentally ill are demon possessed
What do you mean the pastor suffers from clinical depression and he’s under treatment! You’re lying! No, the person writing about mental illness in our flagship magazine for the church is not mentally ill! What do you mean he’s under treatment, but isn’t coming to grips with his mental problems!?! You are nuts!
Your cult leader has his military medical record online which shows he has paranoid schizophrenia, and no, I will not give you the URL! Find it yourself!

Safety

All of us are concerned with the well-being of our members and will take action to insure their peace and safety.
All of us are concerned with the well-being of our members and will take action to insure their peace and safety by casting out immoral people as commanded by Scripture so we may worship decently and in order.
All of us are deeply concerned with the well-being of our members, but what do you suggest we do?
No, you can’t go to court. Do not call the police!
All of us are concerned with the well-being of our members and now that you have a court restraining order, we have no choice but to honor it, but the minute it expires or we can get it rescinded…. It’s under appeal anyway, so you don’t have much protection!
At our church we have xray machines and metal detectors which everyone needs to pass before entering church to get past security
At our church all of our members have a black belt in one or more of the martial arts
At our church all of our members have a black belt in one or more of the martial arts and we carry guns and are fully proficient with their use
Doesn’t worry us, we’re Arab Terrorists who worship Allah, the Arab tribal god, Sin, and he was chief of our 360 gods and the most powerful of all before Mohammed came along and pretended to do the monotheism thing; and, by the way, no one is safe with us around, not even the other members of our tribe! You saw what we could do on 9/11 to execute the wrath of Allah against the great Satan of the United States, full of infidels who must be destroyed!
We don’t attend church any more after what happened in Wisconsin

Community

We are not of the world, but we work in the world
All of humanity is a global community
The United States is God’s Chosen People
The people in Australia / New Zealand are righteous folk and will watch the US tank
The church is a community and all Christians everywhere are a part of that community
Only the Christians of our church are a true community
We in our church are a community and we are cut off from everybody else
We in our church are cut off from everybody else and are going to form a commune
We have formed a commune for Sabbath Keepers
We are having a few problems in our commune
We are now suing each other in our commune
The public officials are getting involved in our lawsuits
Since the commune thing failed, I’m going it alone and there is no such thing as “community”
Jesus intended his followers to work in the world and contribute to the world community as we are able

Accountability

The auditors come in once a year and give us a clean bill of health, what more do you want?
And we’ve switched from Arthur Andersen, so there!
Why do you want a copy of our balance sheet–what possible good could come of that?
It’s posted on our website, but that page must be down right now [for six months, already?!]
It’s none of your business how we spend God’s money! Like you’ve contributed a significant percentage!
Who bloody cares: All you want to do is talk about it in your forums anyway!

Forums

Our church has a forum to encourage our people to do good works
Our church has a forum to help people to solve their problems
Our church has a forum so people can complain about their problems
Our church has a forum so people can complain about the church
Our forum condemns all churches but our own
Our forum condemns all churches and is open to the public
Our forum condemns all churches and is closed and is for members only
Our forum is closed

Repentance

All have sinned and fallen short and do need the glory of God
The goodness of God leads you to repentance
Repentance is the first step to salvation to enter into God’s glorious kingdom by developing the gift of the fruit of the Holy Spirit with such deep love, joy, peace, goodness and temperance to enrich all of our lives today and the future
You evil people had better repent or God will destroy the United States and leave Australia alone
You evil people in the church had better repent bitterly and sing Psalm 51
I have committed terrible sins against you, Oh, God, and will deeply repent and make changes in my life because I love you and do not want to disappoint you
I got caught–so what?
I am fourth in line just under God, Jesus Christ, and Herbert Armstrong and I have never committed any major sin since I’ve been baptized

It makes you wonder why the Churches of God and their unrepentant leadership can’t see how crazy they look to the ‘world’.


Source: https://hwarmstrong.com/All2_True/Checklist.html

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