Category: Snarkcastic

Herbert Armstrong certainly honored his mother — he mentioned her often in sermons — but when it came to his father… not so much.

In fact we can only remember 4 times that Herbert Armstrong’s father came up (in the Autobiography):

1. 1. His ancestry and how he pronounced certain words;
   2. That he worked on furnaces (and apparently Herb worked for him at some point briefly) [and also apparently had some sort of patent];
   3. Opposition to Herb running off to teach high school even though Herb had never been;
   4. Helping Herb when he was destitute and how his father managed to be stable and provide for his family [when Herb couldn’t].

That’s about it. Feel free to comment if there are other references.

Reading between the lines, Herbert Armstrong’s father seemed to have innate mechanical and engineering aptitudes that Herb didn’t. If that were true, Herb absolutely could not understand his father at all.

We seem to live in a world where Father’s Day is some twisted joke. Sure, maybe a necktie? Who wears those any more? Cake maybe? Certainly a Hallmark Card? It isn’t as if it’s like Mother’s Day, going out to celebrate, gifts, cards, flowers…. No. Dad’s just there… until he isn’t. Serves some sort of purpose. Walking ATM, we think.

And the Armstrongist Churches of God? Oh, Mother’s Day! Sermons. Sermonettes. Often flowers. Snacks in foyer. Cards. Celebrations. You’d think they were goddesses.

Father’s Day? Might mention it in passing.

Men were the backbone of the church. Well, maybe the backbroken servant slaves to provide work for the Work as well as an inexhaustible supply of filthy lucre. Setups. Take downs. Moving crew. You name it, the men provided the muscle. And the women were secure in telling the men, “You need to take care of me”. In fact, the men needed to take care of everything — without much in the way of appreciation: It’s a man’s job… just do it and be silent. It’s no wonder so many of them just faded away….

And there’s nothing like being a stepfather in your own home.

It’s apparent that Herbert Armstrong didn’t think much of his father. No surprise, he didn’t think much of the men in the church either. To him, Father’s Day was just another Sunday.

Of course, Herbert Armstrong was quite the example of fatherhood himself:

Perhaps you’d like to up your game. To do that, we’re providing a quick overview of the 5 love languages:

Yes, dads, that brain child of Gary Chapman set to improve your relationships, based on who people are and how to communicate with them, inspired by wishful thinking, positing insane ideas that simply don’t work, will get you into lots of trouble because… they aren’t languages, they are transactions:

What could go wrong?

1. Words of Affirmation: If you are interacting with someone who is borderline, you’d better let them know that they are THE only one! If you don’t, they will ruin you. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells, beware.

2. Physical Touch: What? You want to end up in prison?

3. Receiving gifts: The province of gold diggers everywhere — you are the walking ATM.

4. Quality time: You aren’t going to walk away from this… some children are so very very needy.

5. Acts of service: “You have to care for me.” It’s endless. You have to serve. You are the servant, the slave. They want power over you.

There is a cautionary tale of “Acts of Service” supposedly a horror film based on science fiction, but if you watch it and note what the woman is doing, you know very well what it’s really about:

In the end, 4 men are killed, 2 of them FBI agents, and like the man said, “It’s all your fault”. Note the horrifying ending where the son is named after the victim: She’s grooming the son. It’s truly a horror movie.

The love languages are transactional. You are only as good as the last transaction. It’s endless. And that’s especially true if you are a dad.

So you fathers out there… happy Father’s Day. Best case scenario… maybe you’ll have some peace and quiet for one day, but don’t count on it. Look at that: The lawn needs mowing, need to take out the trash, balance what’s left of that laughable budget — be sure to have your will updated: People are waiting. And if you’re in an Armstrongist church, maybe this the day you’ll be on a moving crew. They need the muscle.