obituary

______ ______ of the [__________] Church of God [__________] died ________ nn, 201x. He is survived by a total mess.

Announcement

The position [Apostle | Prophet | Evangelist | President | _______ General] is now opened.

Candidates should have the following qualifications:

Must be narcissistic;

Must have antisocial personality disorder;

Must be Ambassador College Graduate (Pasadena Campus is preferred);

Needs to be completely legalistic;

Personality must be cruel without mercy, compassion and warmth while projecting charisma;

Must publicly espouse British Israelism as “The Key to Prophecy” while realizing it is totally wrong to produce false prophecies which will appeal to Armstrongists;

Needs to be an effective and convincing liar and deceiver;

Must not have any shred of conscience;

Needs to be implacable without any shred of regret;

Cannot exhibit any embarrassment over any mistakes or broken laws (candidates who claim to have never committed any major sin since baptism with a straight face will have preference);

Must have a record of mocking science and higher education as being ‘intellectual’;

Must appeal to the conservative geriatric crowd while being liberal in personal conduct and to favorites / relatives;

Should be able to make the most outrageous obvious error appear to be realistic;

Should be a triumph of image over substance;

Must have some kind of plausible strong personal association with Herbert Armstrong to leverage credibility;

Must be completely arbitrary in conduct and decisions;

Preference will be given to boozing alcoholics;

Should be part of the “good ol’ boy’s club” of the old Worldwide Church of God;

Should be able to disfellowship anyone who exposes errors;

Must be a gossip given to slander and libel;

Must be completely selfish and egocentric;

Must be extremely arrogant, defining hubris to a new level;

Should be able to extort money from members for “emergencies” in the “work” (generally caused by profligate spending by candidate);

Must have a terrible temper (preferred candidates will have inherited the ‘warrior gene’ or ‘anger gene’);

Should be racist, sexist and homophobic;

Must have ‘vision’ but be completely devoid of foresight, prudence about the future and have absolutely no concept of planning;

Should have ‘stick-to-it-tiveness’ to be persistent in the face of being a total crackpot, no matter how much of a kook he proves to be;

Must be addicted to power, privilege and prestige as an entitlement of the elite;

Must be adept at disdain, contempt and abuse.

Successful candidates will need to sign a non compete agreement to refrain from establishment of a new sect of the Cult of Herbert Armstrong Mafia for a period of two weeks if said candidate leaves the position.

Position is open until filled.