Fearless Leader
Fearless Leader practices Mind Control on Really Bad TV

Yes, friends, it is true! The Painful Truth has been used by Armstrongism to select a new leader! This is a first! A real triumph indeed!

It all began with our blog entry, obituary, where we outlined the qualifications for selecting a new leader within the ranks of a sect of the Cult of Herbert Armstrong. It turns out that the leadership in the Living Church of God has been terribly anxious about the decline of their Fearless Leader, Roderick Meredith. Apparently — and the details are sketchy, especially because the whole process was kept a secret by the LCG Council of Elders — the leadership took the qualifications from our article, did a search among their own and came up with a fully qualified dictator to take the place of Fearless Leader.

Bob Dixon commented on the qualifications presented at The Painful Truth:

I must give [the Painful Truth author] highest regard for this profound job application. What [the Painful Truth author] has done as well as I have ever seen, is roll out a beauty, that will only attract, and fully describes, a total ass by any imagination, for the job.

To understand our triumph, you must first remember the words of the recently retired former United council chairman, Robert Dick:

If you do things the same way, under the same circumstances, you will attain the same results.

He also commented:

When peer pressure reigns it is hard to remember your principles, but consider one thing: When most of your accomplishments have been forgotten the principles you lived by will still be remembered.

With aphorisms like that, you have to wonder why the UCG hasn’t been more of a success. After all, if you follow the right processes, you should — in theory — achieve the best results. Isn’t that what “The Seven Laws of Success” are all about?

Nevertheless, the Living Church of God, an International Association [oops! scratch that last part — it’s so easy to get lost in the alphabet soup of the CoHAM], has followed process, matched up the qualifications and come up with a pretty much unknown, Gerald Weston. It seems that he’s going to move in to the Homequarters area and get started early — before Meredith kicks the bucket — to take over the reigns of the Government of the Corporation of God. Roderick Meredith will become the Evangelist Emeritus. This is all secret, mind you, since the Council of Elders doesn’t want this information to get out to the general membership.

We know that Gerald Weston had responsibility in Canada for some time and that is why we were able to come up with this artist’s conception:

Artist’s Conception of Tomorrow’s World with new Fearless Leader
Artist’s Conception of Tomorrow’s World with new Fearless Leader

Our congratulations to the new Fearless Leader. We’re pretty sure that there are still plenty of maidens, rope and train tracks along with mortgages to foreclose on hapless fatherless and widows to make them homeless fatherless and widows to make the move to the United States worthwhile.

Nevertheless, critics have pointed out that Gerald Weston lives currently in England as the European Regional Director. That would mean that he has had direct responsibility for the LCG church in Potsylvania. Perhaps, when he gets to Charlotte, North Carolina, he will have Boris and Natasha establish a Feast site in Potsylvania.

The talented Mr. Rumney posted at Otagosh:

Ames, it seems, is suffering health problems and Meredith, himself weighed down with the infirmities of age, has felt the need to designate a new successor. If you were expecting the elevation of Jim Meredith or one of the second-stringers on the Tomorrow’s World telecast you’d be disappointed. The Weston decision was rubber stamped at a recent meeting of LCG’s Council of Elders and the dauphin is reportedly now in the process of relocating to the sect HQ in Charlotte, NC.

A shudder should be running up the collective LCG spine. Weston is, according to Gary, well known as a conservative hardliner in a church that is already somewhat to the right of Attila the Hun.

If Weston ascends to the Throne of Roderick what can we expect?

First, every new broom sweeps clean. While heavily emphasizing continuity, you can be sure that Gerry the Unready will want to make his mark swiftly. Already the soon to be announced dauphin will have his little list conveniently tucked into a jacket pocket. Those who are offside with the boss-in-waiting should be afraid, very afraid.

Second, LCG has a surfeit – a veritable glut – of ministers with an abundant sense of self entitlement, many of whom will consider themselves far more suitable for the task. Weston will not ascend to the pontificate without cost. Initially things may seem fine on the surface, but the currents of ambition run deep in hierarchical organizations as we’ve seen demonstrated again and again. Expect a blood-letting without months, perhaps weeks of the transition (and you couldn’t entirely rule out days and hours).

There are even suggestions that Weston may be enthroned before Meredith shucks off this mortal coil, leaving the former Presiding Evangelist in an emeritus role. In Rome they locked away Benedict so he couldn’t interfere in his successor’s pontificate. Somehow, given Meredith’s personality and history, this doesn’t seem even remotely likely.

He adds:

Mind you, there’s many a slip between the announcement of an heir and the actual placement of the crown on their sacred bonce. But isn’t it nice to know that the soap opera, with a longevity greater than The Simpsons, still hasn’t completely played itself out? Fun times ahead!

So it is possible following process may be wasted effort for the LCG. Nevertheless, using our guidelines for the process is excellent practice. By following it, Living can come up with yet another shrewd, calculating, cold, conservative, hard liner continuing to preach British Israelism for yet another four decades of false prophecies until they go through this all again.

Boris Badenov
It’s about time to take those measurements for the suit and casket

So we have triumphed either way.

Don’t argue with us — we’re experts!


TheJournalArmstrongismObituary______ ______ of the [__________] Church of God [__________] died ________ nn, 201x. He is survived by a total mess.


The position [Apostle | Prophet | Evangelist | President | _______ General] is now opened.

Candidates should have the following qualifications:

ball_blueMust be narcissistic;

ball_bluegreenMust have antisocial personality disorder;

ball_brownMust be Ambassador College Graduate (Pasadena Campus is preferred);

ball_grayNeeds to be completely legalistic;

ball_greenPersonality must be cruel without mercy, compassion and warmth while projecting charisma;

ball_magentaMust publicly espouse British Israelism as “The Key to Prophecy” while realizing it is totally wrong to produce false prophecies which will appeal to Armstrongists;

ball_magentaNeeds to be an effective and convincing liar and deceiver;

ball_purpleMust not have any shred of conscience;

ball_whiteNeeds to be implacable without any shred of regret;

ball_yellowCannot exhibit any embarrassment over any mistakes or broken laws (candidates who claim to have never committed any major sin since baptism with a straight face will have preference);

ball_blueMust have a record of mocking science and higher education as being ‘intellectual’;

ball_bluegreenMust appeal to the conservative geriatric crowd while being liberal in personal conduct and to favorites / relatives;

ball_brownShould be able to make the most outrageous obvious error appear to be realistic;

ball_grayShould be a triumph of image over substance;

ball_greenMust have some kind of plausible strong personal association with Herbert Armstrong to leverage credibility;

ball_magentaMust be completely arbitrary in conduct and decisions;

ball_magentaPreference will be given to boozing alcoholics;

ball_purpleShould be part of the “good ol’ boy’s club” of the old Worldwide Church of God;

ball_whiteShould be able to disfellowship anyone who exposes errors;

ball_yellowMust be a gossip given to slander and libel;

ball_blueMust be completely selfish and egocentric;

ball_blueMust be extremely arrogant, defining hubris to a new level;

ball_brownShould be able to extort money from members for “emergencies” in the “work” (generally caused by profligate spending by candidate);

ball_grayMust have a terrible temper (preferred candidates will have inherited the ‘warrior gene’ or ‘anger gene’);

ball_greenShould be racist, sexist and homophobic;

ball_magentaMust have ‘vision’ but be completely devoid of foresight, prudence about the future and have absolutely no concept of planning;

ball_purpleShould have ‘stick-to-it-tiveness’ to be persistent in the face of being a total crackpot, no matter how much of a kook he proves to be;

ball_magentaMust be addicted to power, privilege and prestige as an entitlement of the elite;

ball_greenMust be adept at disdain, contempt and abuse.

Successful candidates will need to sign a non compete agreement to refrain from establishment of a new sect of the Cult of Herbert Armstrong Mafia for a period of two weeks if said candidate leaves the position.

Position is open until filled.