obituary

TheJournalArmstrongismObituary______ ______ of the [__________] Church of God [__________] died ________ nn, 201x. He is survived by a total mess.

Announcement

The position [Apostle | Prophet | Evangelist | President | _______ General] is now opened.

Candidates should have the following qualifications:

ball_blueMust be narcissistic;

ball_bluegreenMust have antisocial personality disorder;

ball_brownMust be Ambassador College Graduate (Pasadena Campus is preferred);

ball_grayNeeds to be completely legalistic;

ball_greenPersonality must be cruel without mercy, compassion and warmth while projecting charisma;

ball_magentaMust publicly espouse British Israelism as “The Key to Prophecy” while realizing it is totally wrong to produce false prophecies which will appeal to Armstrongists;

ball_magentaNeeds to be an effective and convincing liar and deceiver;

ball_purpleMust not have any shred of conscience;

ball_whiteNeeds to be implacable without any shred of regret;

ball_yellowCannot exhibit any embarrassment over any mistakes or broken laws (candidates who claim to have never committed any major sin since baptism with a straight face will have preference);

ball_blueMust have a record of mocking science and higher education as being ‘intellectual’;

ball_bluegreenMust appeal to the conservative geriatric crowd while being liberal in personal conduct and to favorites / relatives;

ball_brownShould be able to make the most outrageous obvious error appear to be realistic;

ball_grayShould be a triumph of image over substance;

ball_greenMust have some kind of plausible strong personal association with Herbert Armstrong to leverage credibility;

ball_magentaMust be completely arbitrary in conduct and decisions;

ball_magentaPreference will be given to boozing alcoholics;

ball_purpleShould be part of the “good ol’ boy’s club” of the old Worldwide Church of God;

ball_whiteShould be able to disfellowship anyone who exposes errors;

ball_yellowMust be a gossip given to slander and libel;

ball_blueMust be completely selfish and egocentric;

ball_blueMust be extremely arrogant, defining hubris to a new level;

ball_brownShould be able to extort money from members for “emergencies” in the “work” (generally caused by profligate spending by candidate);

ball_grayMust have a terrible temper (preferred candidates will have inherited the ‘warrior gene’ or ‘anger gene’);

ball_greenShould be racist, sexist and homophobic;

ball_magentaMust have ‘vision’ but be completely devoid of foresight, prudence about the future and have absolutely no concept of planning;

ball_purpleShould have ‘stick-to-it-tiveness’ to be persistent in the face of being a total crackpot, no matter how much of a kook he proves to be;

ball_magentaMust be addicted to power, privilege and prestige as an entitlement of the elite;

ball_greenMust be adept at disdain, contempt and abuse.

Successful candidates will need to sign a non compete agreement to refrain from establishment of a new sect of the Cult of Herbert Armstrong Mafia for a period of two weeks if said candidate leaves the position.

Position is open until filled.

 

3 Replies to “obituary”

  1. I must give Doug highest regard for this profound job application. What Doug has done as well as I have ever seen, is roll out a beauty, that will only attract , and fully describes, a total ass by any imagination, for the job.

  2. Gee… thanks… I guess….

    Undoubtedly, you have already ascertained that I used Roderick Meredith as the basis of the job requirements, with a bit of David Pack thrown in.

    This will help facilitate the search for replacement evangelist when (or if) Roderick Meredith dies.

    The truth is that I have created so many job descriptions and postings for positions over the years as a manager. It should be clear that this style of posting is not unique, since there are all sorts of jobs filled by scoundrels out there in religion, government, academia and business. The disturbing trend over the past two decades has been that the government has adopted the worst of the corporate model and implemented it badly.

    In fact, this posting could be tweaked for almost any position these days. Let us hope that it doesn’t accurately portray the characteristics of your next boss, although the likelihood is very high….

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