Those who knew the late Herbert W. Armstrong (HWA) and are familiar with his Worldwide Church of God may recall Mr. Armstrong’s approach to his organization and all who he encountered. Truly, HWA was sole spokesperson and “Apostle” having an exclusive direct line from God. It is therefore in the truest sense of the word “appropriate” for him to continue to be the sole spokesperson in this satire.
Chapter One
When I woke up this morning I had the strangest feeling, like I’d been dreaming about passing through a tunnel and meeting up with a bunch of well-wishers. They could have been better greeters though. I’ll have to have the spokesman’s club use the topic of “how one should be a humble greeter” for their next assignment. One of those idiots actually introduced himself as Jesus Christ. Must be a nut case.
Gosh! Isn’t it amazing! I can clap my hands together and they just pass right through one another! Wow!!! This body is really something else! I used to preach about the soul sleeping in the grave until the resurrection. I really thought the Jehovah Witnesses had a spectacular idea, about staying on the earth ‘in the kingdom’. Then Jesus comes back and everybody gets educated with my one true church. They never knew I borrowed a bit of my doctrine from them. Heh heh. But then the Mormons didn’t know I stole from them either when I discovered that they were God makers and that was as good as any incentive to get people to want to be a part of my church. Heh heh. Will wonders never cease! All I had to do was tell people that they would become gods and they couldn’t get enough of my preaching! Heh heh. The arrogant jerks.
And good old Adolph Hitler. He had some damn good ideas about control. I couldn’t have designed my doctrines and policies without his expertise incorporated into my idealism. It really worked. His idea of telling a ‘big lie’ rather than a little bitty one, worked wonders with the dumb sheep! Heh heh. Actually I didn’t lie about much. I AM the greatest! Never before in the history of mankind has there been any one apostle that blanketed the world with as much ‘plain truth’ as I did. I really got the message out there, even if it was a modge podge of Christianity and Judaism and quite a few other religions. I thought my borrowing even a little reincarnation from the Eastern Religions was a clever way to get Elijah to come back when it was convenient. Well, I suppose I’ll have to come up with some more information. That six month, in depth study of the Bible, gave me quite a bit to go on but I could spend another six months and see what else I can come up with. Then I’ll pass it along to the ministers for them to preach about.
Lets see. Its time for me to call for a ministerial conference. Where’s my phone? Actually I am confused. Where am I? I thought I was in my own bed, but this is a strange place. Hum. Look out this window and….hey….I’m not even in Pasadena! Where the hell am I? Did the jet land someplace and I fell asleep before it landed and here we are in a new place. That must be it. Hey Rod? Where are you? Herman? Stanley? Yeah, you’re still on the payroll until 2004, so you might as well keep working for me. Stan? Ted? Where the hell are all you guys? Ramona? I didn’t call for you. What the hell are you doing here? You want what? My last will and testament? Get lost!!! I must be dreaming still. That dame has got her nerve even in my sleep.
Oh shit! Maybe I’m really asleep in my grave and dreaming! Maybe I’ll have nightmares like this for a thousand years! That would be worse than what I preached about oblivion. Damn. I can’t figure this one out. Hey anybody! Can you hear me?
Huh? There’s hat Jesus freak again, all dressed up in robes and sandals acting like a fool, smiling and blessing everybody. He will be a tough one to convert! There’re be none of that gentleness and sweetness in the men in my church! Who wants those damn sissies anyhow! Not me. I want REAL men. Men that can rule with a rod of iron. Hey Rod? Speaking of ruling with a rod of iron…where are you? You’ve always been my ‘yes man’, so now when I need to have your help you’re nowhere to be found.
This is disgusting. Oh, hello there missy. You’ve got a cute …excuse you? You’re an angel? Yeah, and I’m the big bad wolf! See my choppers? Heh heh! The better to eat you my dear. Oh, where’s my teeth? Must have left them on my dresser. You never saw anyone with spare parts before? Where have you been? Oh sure….in
heaven….and I’ve been a good little boy and you’re the tooth fairy! Right!?
Hum. This is strange. I do have my teeth in. But they don’t come out. In fact they are real. How’d that happen? Oh yeah…something strange here just like with my hand clapping. I can stick my finger in my mouth and it comes out my nose or ear or…..Stop laughing. I was only playing. You think I need to be re-educated in a re-education camp? Aren’t they located in China? I don’t want to go to China. Besides they’d stop my jet from landing there because I pissed them off a few years ago on account of Mr. Chin or Chan or what was his name? That funny little bull legged guy that used to do some importing for me. I don’t wanna go to …..Who said anything about China? Well I just assumed…..You’re going to send me to this camp here? But I’m sleeping and having a nightmare!…..I’m not sleeping? What the hell do you call this then?…….You’ve got to be kidding! This ain’t no heaven. Where’s my harp? Heh, heh…..oh…..its a heavy one. But I don’t know how to play it. Play it anyway? Just for kicks? Who do you think you are telling me to….Just shut up and play?
I think it was Taiwan where I last “tied one on” anyway with the little ladies and what a blast with…..hey…..Herman! You around? Just thinking about some good-old-days and you come to mind…Herman’s not here you say? I wasn’t bragging! I was just logging a few more of my escapades for posterity!….And I’ll be doing what for penance?…..What do you mean, born again? I ain’t gettin’ involved with no ‘born again Christians’. I should have thought about that when I wrote all those stupid booklets? What do you mean, stupid booklets! They were my best work! How dare you say they stunk! How dare you say they caused thousands and thousands of people their lives? I didn’t kill anybody. I didn’t hurt anybody. I was only following orders. I was on a hot line from God himself! And he told me what to write. Every word. If you don’t believe me, just ask Garner Ted. He heard ’em too. Who you ask? God. God told us. I am NOT….I repeat…..NOT…..FULL OF SHIT. I am GOD’S APOSTLE. HIS ONE AND ONLY APOSTLE ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH!!! What do you mean that that was then, this is NOW? What do you mean this isn’t earth???????
Chapter Two
Where’s that damn maid service!!! I demand immediate room service!!!! How the hell can I preach on an empty stomach? Dammit, get those pork chops up here immediately! There! That oughta get’em movin’!!!! How the hell can I write ad nauseam as I must, on an empty stomach! I have to rewrite my articles on the dangers of eating unclean meat. Hey room service, I’ll take a lobster with my pork chop! And plenty of fluffy white bread with gobs of strawberry jelly. Can’t get enough of that sweet stuff! Oh, thinking about sweet stuff, you shoulda seen the stream of nice little college freshman girls ripe for the pickin’ at Ambassador College every year. I was inspired by them, time and again to write about that old Jezebel and the dangers of getting worked up over these hot babes, or rather, sinful women. Those Eve descendants. Mother Eve, you’ve produced your whole line bad bad prodigy. Ain’t a woman alive who can match up to any man, even the lowest of the low….hey where the hell is that room service? Can’t you dumb broads ever get here on time?!!! I’m a hungry man and you’d better watch out when I’m hungry. I’ll eat ANYTHING!!! Heh heh…..
Damn accommodations! Its not the same here as the good old days when I was jetting all over the globe and picking the cream of the crop, so to speak, all over the globe while preaching of course. Had to have some kind of a cover up, to make it look like authentic church business. Managed a few nice photographs too of world leaders. All it cost was a few thousand dollars to buy a priceless antique crystal and I could get all the photos I wanted. The dumb sheep ate that up like a bunch of pork chops! Hey dammit, where’s my damn pork chops! I’m hungry. What do you mean this is no hotel?
What are you doing working here, John Trechek? What’s on that tray? Oh, you brought me my breakfast, bless your rotten heart! Here, put it right here in front of me. Hey, this is pretty good. You cook this too? Oh, you just harvested it. I see. Not too bad, John. Tastes a little funky though. What is it? They call it a cow pie? Aw John, don’t tease an old man, tell me what it really is. Chomp! Chomp! Oh, you got it out in that pasture over there? The one I can see out my window? Oh. I see. So tell me the truth John, the plain truth. The hell you say, John! You wouldn’t feed me a pile of dried out bullshit! Oh, you would? Chomp Chomp Chomp. What’s that loud noise I hear, John? Oh, just the bull outside my window? BULL?????? Aw shit! That’s right you say? you son of female dog. Stop laughing, John. It isn’t funny. Give me a tooth pick. Burp!
Just deserts, huh, John? So what are you going to bring me for desert? One of those cute little blond bombshells I see floating around all over the place? Heh, heh…..Oh, there’re angels, you say. Yeah and I’m the pope. Oh, you don’t think the pope would like you using his name in vain? Ha Ha Ha….that ain’t all I’d use in vain in that old Harlot Babylon religion. I could tell you stories, John, about the Vatican and popes that would curl your toe nails. I’ll bet if you could sneak your way into the Vatican Library you could find out a lot of juicy stuff about that old cat at the top, and all the others all the way back to St. Pete! Yeah John, just a whole new territory for you to report on so you can get off my back!
Who wants to see me? Yeah right! And I’m the Queen of Sheba! So you’re St. Pete, oh excuse me, Peter! Ha Ha Ha. We had another connotation for that word back in the old days, Pete. Heh, heh….so what the hell do you want with me? Disrespectful? Who me? Naw man! I respect the hell outa you and all the REAL MEN. Its just these wimpy guys that freak me out, like the one that’s walking this way in robes and sandals. He looks like a real loser! A sissy. A wimp. Oh Jesus Christ! That’s right! This lunatic introduces himself as Jesus Christ. And I’m Mickey Mou…..you say he is Jesus Christ? And you’re St. Pete? Ha Ha Ha, and so where’s your buddy Judas? Still hanging around on the tree I suppose! Ha Ha Ha……THE HELL YOU SAY!!!!! The hell you say!!!! That’s him walking outside in the bull pen? Sure, and John Trechak wears panty hose!!!! John? Where the hell did you go John, just when I needed you? John?
Oh? He had to go over and talk to Joe Tkach cause he’s crying again? What the hell has he got to cry about? The old fool. He took over my empire, I mean my church, I mean God’s church when I….oh that’s right fellas. This is all a nightmare. And you’ll all go “POOFT” in just a minute or two and I can enjoy my pork chops and lobster and a good cold beer! He’s still crying? Because he was the number one apostle for such a short time compared to me? Oh, what a jerk!!!! He’d never have been an apostle at all if I hadn’t left the position vacant for him. Of course, the arrogant jackass couldn’t wait to get my job. Even rewrote my best seller, “Mystery of the Ages”. NO! NOT MYSTERY OF THE AGED!!!!!!!!! A G E S you fools! What do you mean you never read such bullshit? Whatda ya mean it was never a best seller? Whatda ya mean I was a senile old fool? What do ya mean that at least there was more truth in that book than my autobiography? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME!!!!! IT WAS NOT FICTION!!! I don’t like this place. Nobody likes me. Stop LAUGHING!!!!
Dammit Joe, stop your blubbering!!! Can’t you see I’ve got REAL trouble? Nobody will bring me my pork chops!
Don’t let those alligator tears fool you fellas, he’s a real peach! Scripture whipped and harangued his wife until she was a mindless fool stumbling around in her robe and slippers all over Ambassador campus. That’s what John Trechak told me. I suppose its true. John wouldn’t lie. Would you, John? Hey John, where’d you go? Out for breakfast? He’s having pork chops and lobster and a cold beer? That son of a bi……..stole my breakfast! Damn you John!!! Its not bad enough that you ruin my reputation by writing all that shit about me, then you go steal my food. I’d never do THAT to anybody. Steal their food? How low can you go? John, you’re a monster. I’m hungry!!!! What do you mean I robbed people of their food budget for years? What do you mean there were a lot of hungry kids around the world because of my greed? What do you mean some of them died because of me? If they were dumb enough to send me their money, it was their own stupidity!!!! you can’t pin that on me, Jesus Christ!
You have proof? Akashic Records? That’s what you call the book of life? It’s all in there? Word for word? Deed for deed? Jesus Christ!!!! Not getting away with anything? Not one little jot or tittle? Tit for tat. What do you mean, born again? What goes around comes around. Cause and effect…I was right on that? Oh Shit!
to be continued…