Those who knew the late Herbert W. Armstrong (HWA) and are familiar with his Worldwide Church of God may recall Mr. Armstrong’s approach to his organization and all who he encountered. Truly, HWA was sole spokesperson and “Apostle” having an exclusive direct line from God. It is therefore in the truest sense of the word “appropriate” for him to continue to be the sole spokesperson in this satire.
Chapter Eight
“This place is really bugging me! Nobody knows WHO I AM! I have to tell them over and over again. It’s really a damn shame. I come here to set up God’s kingdom and nobody gives a damn. Jesus Christ! What a job. I don’t know where to start. What an enormous task! I’ve got so much work to do and have to start from scratch. Sound like I’m on my pity pot? Says who? Oh, its you again, Jesus Christ. I’m no martyr? And you are? Never meant to be, you say? It was just a set-up? The Romans needed a martyr so they crucified you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, don’t you think I had to READ the Bible in order to preach all those years!!!! So tell me something I DON’T KNOW!!!!!! I should’ve read the ancient texts from the far east? There’s stories in there that really had some SHOCK VALUE? Like what, Jesus Christ??? Like what? Don’t you think I told enough BIG ONES??? You wish I could have read Professor Hassnain’s *book, about his search for the historical Jesus and I’d know what you mean? He wrote the real plain truth? He was a REAL scholar who searched for years, not an in-depth six month study of only ONE book? He searched all across the lands of Persia, Afghanistan, Central Asia and India? Found documented proof you traveled those places and they’re recorded in the ancient texts? So when did you have time for that? You mean that even the rest of the Christians got their information screwed up long before I came along!!!?
“THE HELL YOU SAY!!!! THE HELL YOU SAY!!!! You mean to tell me you weren’t even a Christian? You were a Jew!!! Oh Yeah! Well, I never thought of it THAT WAY!!!! You tellin’ me you were trained by yogi’s in the east? Learned how to shut down your body’s functions to almost nothing? Coulda fooled lotsa people…Glad you had a good buddy, Joseph of Arimathaea from your Essene brotherhood….Are you telling me that the Romans made a martyr out of you so they could convert a bunch of people into their ways, NOT your ways? Now I’m confused. An old trick of martyrs and saviors? Like Hoodeeny? Magic tricks? Convince them they need to be saved and then provide a savior? The Romans made you into their scapegoat? Tricked the people into believing they needed your blood sacrifice to be saved….now I AM confused, Jesus Christ!
“So I shudda been the martyr except that Joe Tkach started rewriting my masterpiece, ‘Mystery of the Ages’, right after I came here, and he started messing with my doctrines. Instead of holding to my teachings he got rid of them like so much garbage and started preaching watered down swill. Yeah I guess some believers hung on to my stuff. Rod, Gerald, Bill….and where did it get them….yeah, you guessed….disfellowshipped and marked. Sometimes my own rules backfired on those who were relatively true to my doctrines. Oh well, Jesus Christ, I guess we both got our stuff messed with after our exit. Oh, the HELL you say!!! More to your story than what the Bible says? A prolonged stay? Can’t believe a book that’s been tampered with? Almost as fictional as my autobiography? I should read the Dead Sea Scrolls and Nag Hammadi Library? An in depth study–HERE? In the hall of records and knowledge? Is that near headquarters? Not the HEADQUARTERS I’m looking for? And it’s not all about ME! Says who? Oh, you! Well, well, well, you keep stealing my thunder Jesus Christ, so I need to relate it to my own dilemma. Pity pot? What the hell is a pity pot?
“So you’re telling me that you went to earth to teach unconditional love? And that God is love. Am I supposed to know what that means? So what that I told the people that they had to EARN their salvation with WORKS…yeah, so what? Beats the hell outa them thinking they had it made in the shade and didn’t have to tithe to get into the kingdom. Then what the hell would I do to buy jet fuel? Work? Not a chance!!! Shoulda taught them to love themselves? You have to be kidding! That bunch of losers!!!! Not even MOTHER’S LOVE could stomach the dumb sheep! Bah…bah…bah…bah
“Whatda ya mean I don’t listen? I listen plenty!!! I just don’t like what I hear! Claimed the plain truth and preached the plain crap? Jesus. For shame! Coming out of your mouth!!! Better than living in delusion? You know, Jesus Christ, you weren’t the focus of attention in MY CHURCH!!! I put you up on a pedestal as God number two, but then ignored you completely! And as for the Holy Spirit, that son-of-a-gun was no more than an ‘it’. I can’t help but laugh when I remember how I made everybody cross out ‘he’ and ‘him’ in their Bibles and write in ‘it’!! And the idiots did it! What the hell do you mean I don’t have a clue about the Holy Spirit? Boo boo to you too Holy GHOST!!!! Boo, did I scare you? Ha ha ha ha ha
“You’re not laughing? I robbed people of their Holy Spirit? The unpardonable sin? Blaspheme of the Holy Spirit…..yeah, yeah, yeah…I know all that….remember I wrote the BOOKLETS. Whatda ya mean those goddam booklets? Jesus Christ! How can you talk that way? Don’t you know that God can hear you and…..Shut up? How dare you tell me to shut up! Duck tape? I don’t believe you!!! Mmmm Org mumpf asfmmm….
“THAT WASN’T FUNNY!!!! Made me listen to your damn sermon for two hours! How do you expect me to listen that long? Oh, because I made my followers listen to all those boring sermons. This is only the first of how many HUNDRES OF HOURS I’ll have to listen to? So God’s time isn’t measured like earth time? A day is as a thousand years? So how many hours is that, Jesus? How many?
“And whatda ya mean everybody’s got the Holy Spirit? Without my permission!? Whatda ya mean that being true to the Holy Spirit means being true to self? Whatda ya mean that blaspheme of the Holy Spirit is self-betrayal? What a bunch of bullshit, Jesus Christ, are you a heretic too? Oh! According to the church you would be? Humm…interesting…”
*”A Search for the Historical Jesus” by Professor Fida M. Hassnain, Down to Earth Books, available at: http://www.spinninglobe.net/histjesusearch.html
Chapter Nine
“What is the Unpardonable sin? You asking me, Jesus Christ? I’m sure you’re going to tell me now that you’ve got me as your captive audience. Just desserts? Collectively speaking, if I have to pay my karmic debt I’ll be sitting here listening to you longer than YOU could stand being with me? More than one millennium would pass? I’d better listen the first time? You gonna fill me with that spiritual crap now? Shut up? You certainly don’t show any respect to God’s apostle, Jesus Christ. Duck tape? No, no. I’ll shut up and listen.
“We are more than just personalities living on earth, you say? We’re sojourners and come from the spirit world where our roots run deeper than our physical ones…ya mean being the seed of David is not big deal? It was for you in your incarnation, but I was a weed seed? Not nice to say, Jesus Christ. Not nice at all. Shut up so you can go have some pork chops for lunch? You too, huh? You buying?
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’re the children of God. I preached that myself!! But there’s more to it than that? The core of our being is the holy spirit inside us? That life force is a spark of life like a chip off the old great spirit, God? No. I never heard any such thing before. Must be some New Age jargon! Yeah I saw it in the Bible but I didn’t preach that God is within. So what you’re telling me is that the dumb sheep didn’t need me to tell them anything because they have God’s spirit inside of them and that’s what the Bible meant when it said that the ‘kingdom of God is within’? So God speaks to everyone? So explain that one, Jesus Christ! I can hardly wait! That should be a good one. And you think I told whoppers!!! Whatda ya mean we’re made in his image and if God is love then we’re made by and in the image of love? Talk ENGLISH man! Talk English! I haven’t got a clue what you’re saying.
“The Bible’s all fiction!!! You said it was full of fiction!!! Oh, now you tell me that some of it was true, just like in my autobiography. And both were deliberate attempts to slant the truth!!! Sure, Jesus Christ. Anything you say, Jesus Christ. Now can we go have those pork chops? I’m starved!!!
“So you have to throw it up in my face that the dumb sheep were STARVED to learn about God and all I fed them was bullshit! They were STARVED for truth and all I gave them was a little tin god, an imposter…an arrogant runt of a man? Now you’re insulting me!!! I wasn’t THAT small!!! My image was bigger than life, but the plain truth was that I was like an inflated balloon? All hot air? And you, Jesus Christ, are the expert, of course! Just rub it in! Just keep pulling down my self esteem? I wrote the book on that too? Aw shit.
“So whatda ya want me to do about it? Put on a furry red suit and pass out packages to the grubby little monsters clamoring for presents? So, you think I look more like Scrooge McDuck playing in his money bins? A similar personality? A similar life’s goal? Sound like him too? Quack! Whatda ya mean quack?
“No respect. I don’t get no respect! This place is disgusting!! I’d rather be anyplace but here! Oh Jesus Christ!!! Now where the hell am I? I said it? Hell? I created my own? A state of being? Can’t see the light? Darkness can’t perceive the light? Who turned out the lights? Where in the devil am I? You’ve been waiting for me? Oh oh…..
“Whatda ya mean, even THAT was bullshit? No lake of fire? Are my toes hot yet? Stop harassing me! Whatda ya mean I could dish it out but can’t even take a joke!? There really is no lake of fire? Wouldn’t make any sense to have a place to burn things up when nothing of spirit can be destroyed? So you’re telling me that the burning hellfire is the anguish of the spirit? That the agonizing truth can be very painful? And sometimes we live in delusion and denial and have to repeat our lessons until we get it? Get what? I don’t get it? And who are you? Can’t see a damn thing in here!!!
“You again!!!! John Trechak! Thank God its you! For a minute there I thought I was in hell and you were the devil. You’re not, are you John? Stop laughing!!!! If I didn’t believe my own lies I wouldn’t be in the dark? Now you’ve got me confused, John. There is a dimensional plane where the evil sons of Belial exist in their vileness? No turning back? Only those with no hope go there? You mean I have a chance to turn things around, John? You’d never believe the things I’ve learned since I’ve been here! Completely contrary to everything I ever thought was true. Like a revelation? Yeah, John. Some of the stuff people have told me just never occurred to me. I shudda studied more than just ONE book. Who’s Belial, John? Read more books, John?
“Oh, of course I remember I told the dumb sheep that secular knowledge was not true because it wasn’t God’s truth. Yeah, I guess I did forbid them to seek out information because I told them that God worked only through me. If I hadn’t written it, then it wasn’t inspired by God because I’m his apostle…There I go again? Where to this time, John? I just don’t get it.
“Come on, John, lets go eat. You’re sicka pork chops? Want some shrimp? No, you’ve been hanging around shrimps and all they do is whine? Sure John, we’ll have a hearty steak if you wish! Steak and wine! Went right over my head? Because it’s so close to the ground? Now you’re hitting below the belt, John. You wouldn’t go there? Where wouldn’t you go, John? John? Now where the hell did he go? Said he couldn’t stomach me anymore. Like I want to associate with expo-saint! Saint JohnTrechak, the expo-saint. Kinda has a ring to it. I’ll have to remember that the next time I see him.
“You again? Jesus Christ!! Taking a group for another training session? You want me to hurry up and follow you? Follow you, Jesus? Ha! Like the Pied Piper? Just follow you around like a blind fool? I am a blind fool? That’s not nice. Not nice at all to call your apostle a blind fool. The plain truth is the plain truth? Sure, Jesus Christ, whatever you say. Please, no more duck tape! Yeah, it’s a deal!! If I couldn’t talk I’d explode, especially here in this strange place. I can’t think of anything worse than duck tape….Oh? You have plenty of things that are worse, like fasting? I made my followers fast and pray? How many days do I have to fast? Oh shit! I should have settled for duck tape.”
Chapter 10
“Constipation of the brain, diarrhea of the mouth, he said. What an e-val by the great Jesus Christ himself! Said he never wrote a word himself, but is quoted and misquoted all over the place, and that I did my own running amuck from the mouth and the written word! That I deserve all the bad press because I claimed truth and had none of it! At least he was kidding me about the forty days and forty nights of fasting! Don’t think I could have stood it that long! It’s no fun to be hungry and thirsty. I still don’t like it here any better than I did before.
“I wonder what all that commotion is over there. Guess I’ll have to go ask somebody. Hey Joe Tkach, what’s up? Do I hear the wailing and gnashing of teeth? Yeah, so who’s bellyaching now? Where’s that coming from? Oh, the other side? The hell you say!!! So who’s the dumb sheep that’s praying now? Mike Tyson? He’s repented of all his sins and promises he’ll never bite anybody again if only his children won’t be like him? So you think we’re off the hook again, Joe? Think God will spare us from being born black? You know being a descendant of the seed of David insures a pure race, Joe. Lets us pray that we …Joe? Mike is thanking God? Was really worried? Off the hook? Pretty good deal he cut, huh? Hey Joe, where’d you go? He’s got other plans for us? Wants to see me about “Pagan Holidays or God’s Holy Days”? Where’d he get the idea I’d look good in red? No Joe! I’m not riding in a sleigh with flying reindeer! Think I’m nuts? Joe? Joe? Oh dammit, Joe. Get up off the ground! Only Trechak rolls around in the tulips! You were only kidding? Not funny, Joe. Not funny at all. Stop laughing!!!!
“Black, white, red, yellow, brown….all the same? Color isn’t important? We’re all the same color inside? What color is spirit, Jesus Christ? Since you’ve horned in on Joe and me thought I’d pick your brain! Not a matter of color? Skin isn’t important but our spirit is? More jargon, Jesus Christ! Just a bunch of religious jargon!!!! Universal truths, not religion. What the hell are you talking about? Universal truths? So name one. I wouldn’t understand yet? And why not? Don’t you know I’m God’s apostle and came here to set up his kingdom? Delusional? A nice word for being full of shit? Gotta start over back in the basics before I can go on to meatier things like universal laws? Still suckin’ the bottle? Hardly contain milk? Oh that Diarrhea business again!!!! That’s what I told the dumb sheep and now I’m one! How dare you, Jesus Christ, compare me to my lowly followers! Whatda ya mean I ain’t no ‘good shepherd’! And you think you are, Jesus Christ?
“I was given the ten commandments and couldn’t even keep them? Yeah, so what? Does anybody keep them? Oh, they do? Learn something every day? So tell me another of these so-called ‘truths’!! God? Just one God? Not two? So Christians aren’t supposed to put you on the pedestal, Jesus Christ, just God the Creator? Oh, I see. Hum. So tell me more! You already did when you told me about the spark of God dwelling within each human being. OH! Yeah! I didn’t know that was THAT important! Everyone has the God-given right to truth? That’s one of the universal laws? Oh. And I screwed up their ability to seek truth by turning them outside instead of in? Huh? Say that again!!!
“Oh, you’re telling me that everyone has access to the truth inside themself? Since everyone is created from a spark of God, God’s truth dwells within them? Interesting concept. Sure wouldn’t bring in any tithe money though if they thought they didn’t need me to preach to ’em! Doesn’t pay to even try to educate me? Dense? Dunce! Try to steal everyone’s crown! Yeah! I used to warn ’em. “Don’t let anyone steal your crown” and it was so funny to hear them mimic me! All the while I was ‘stealing their crown’? Yeah, guess I was, old buddy, old pal, Jesus Christ! Not your buddy? Not your pal? You’d like to crown me? The old fashioned way? Throw the book at me? Not a nice attitude, Jesus. Not a nice attitude at all towards God’s apostle!!!
“I shoulda told them about their Chakras? That their crown was their crown chakra? And miss all the fun of watching them squirm? They would have thought they walked around with antennas coming out of their heads if I’d told them that! Would have been more accurate than what I told them? Some good things were revealed in eastern religions and not in Christianity? A whole bunch of chakras throughout the body? Normal body parts? Nothing exotic about them? Functional energy centers? Lots of good books on the subject. Oh yeah, I only read ONE BOOK. Back to the library?
“You’d tell me more of the universal truths if I wasn’t such an idiot? How dare you? I’m living proof? Life after death, not soul sleep? Oh I figured THAT out already! I wonder if the rest of the flock is sleeping someplace or running around looking for headquarters like I am…..You mean then that I was wrong about all those resurrections? So now I have to rethink all that I preached? Really are many dimensions of existence, not just one or two? So I wasn’t dreaming after all? That’s like another dimension? Oh? Just another reality? So the physical life is like a dream? Nightmare sometimes!!!! And THIS IS REALITY???? Oh SHIT! I miss my jet!!!!
“I’m no better than anybody else? We were all created equal? I don’t deserve to have a jet paid for by so many poor people. I’ll have to learn to travel more modestly? Like walk? Power of thought? What’s that? Like when I say somebody’s name and they are right here? I was beginning to notice that myself. About time I lifted out of the dense fog? I’ve heard enough for awhile or I’ll explode!!!! Of course I remember the verse about the old wine skins! Can’t put new wine into an old wine skin or it will burst!? So what’s your point, Jesus Christ? Why are you pulling your hair out? What do you mean frustrated? You think you’re frustrated!!! Just look at me standing here, hungry and tired, and you’re telling me all this stuff I don’t understand and don’t give a damn about! Oh, I’d better give a damn if I don’t want to cross over to that other side? You mean with what’s-his-name, not to mention names of course! I learned that much already since I got here! Tomorrow’s another day? You’ll try again when you have regained your composure? I’m a hard nut to crack? No respect, Jesus Christ! God’s apostle gets no respect….”
to be continued……