Those who knew the late Herbert W. Armstrong (HWA) and are familiar with his Worldwide Church of God may recall Mr. Armstrong’s approach to his organization and all who he encountered. Truly, HWA was sole spokesperson and “Apostle” having an exclusive direct line from God. It is therefore in the truest sense of the word “appropriate” for him to continue to be the sole spokesperson in this satire.
Chapter 11
“Whatda ya mean its time to go to headquarters? Who says? Who do you think YOU are giving ME orders? Oh, its you, Jesus Christ! You plan on taking me somewhere, huh? Oh, I am to see some of God’s real government in action? And just what do you mean by that? Oh, there is a hierarchy of spirits in charge? One of the laws you were telling me about, huh. So I suppose they are ready for me to set up the kingdom now. So let’s get going. Oh, it has nothing to do with setting up the kingdom? There is already a kingdom established? God has had HIS kingdom functioning since long before I even mislead thousands of people down the path of lies? Whatda ya mean mislead? Let God be the judge of that? You saying that I’m no more than an minor tyrant compared to the powerful spirits I’m about to meet. Do I get to take a lawyer with me? Whatda ya mean I don’t have a case! Whatda ya mean things here are handled with complete knowledge of all the misdeed that have been done to everyone involved! There IS NO ESCAPE?????
“Enough! I tell you, ENOUGH!!!! I can’t TAKE anymore! Stop parading all these children in front of me who claim I stole their childhood, caused their parents to be mean abusive tyrants!!! Stop them! I can’t listen to their sniffling any more! I have NO CHOICE? Since I forced them to spend their childhoods listening to me and my ministers drone on and on and deprive them of friendships, loving relationships with their parents and in many cases downright abuse, including sexual and physical abuse, not to even mention emotional and spiritual, I have to endure this and face every single one of them? Every jot and tittle of abuse that was caused on account of my doctrines has to be accounted for, brought to the LIGHT and EXPOSED to the entire world!!!!???? Each and every infraction of God’s law of love? What the hell is God’s law of love?
“I should know? Unconditional love of God is what the law of cause and effect is about? I should have known that since I preached it over fifty years? An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth? I have to suffer the pain of each and every one of my victims in order for me to balance my karma? And just what do you mean I’ll have plenty of time to repent because I have eternal life to do it in? Its either God’s way or I can go for a one way ticket to Belial? And from there–there really is no turning back? A generous offer you say? Considering how hideously destructive my doctrines were and the severe damage it did, especially to the children forced to grow up in the Worldwide Church of God under my UNGODLY laws?
“So you’re really going to SOCK IT TO ME aren’t you Jesus Christ!!! Oh, you’re copping out now and saying you’re ‘just the messenger’……ha ha ha ha….where have I heard that before. Damn ministers used to blubber to me all the time….’I’m just the messenger’, please don’t put me out of the church for reporting to you..blah….blah….blah… And now you’re pulling the same crap!!! Its not crap? It’s the WAY IT IS here and I’ve been given my choices? Do I want to meet with Belial and see how I’d like it in HIS kingdom? Sure.
“Greetings to you in the name of….well…uh…I’m Herbert W. Armstrong, founder and Pastor General of God’s one true church on the planet earth, and God’s one and only twentieth century apostle! Whatda ya mean what about Joe Tkach? The hell with him, he was only at MY post by default! Anyway, I’m glad to meet you and your……. Who the hell are they? All those dense, dark, vile looking…………. Your government officials? Oh? I can join them if I want to serve UNDER THEIR AUTHORITY? I wouldn’t have ANY say? I’m NOBODY here? Laughing stock? Entertainment?? They thrive on jackasses like me to entertain them and cater to THEIR whims? They’d enjoy playing with me, especially cat and mouse! I get to be MOUSE? Mental anguish and torture for what I’ve done? No means to repent and change here? Will eternally reject God and live in complete DARKNESS? Would I like to stay? ………………….Oh God!
“Since I called on God there is still a shred of hope for me because I recognize God exists? I have HIS ETERNAL LOVE FOR ME to thank for my opportunity at FREE WILL? It’s my choice? I can go either way but cannot STAY undecided?? Well, I guess you can bring me the next bunch of losers that I messed up. I don’t like Belial and his gang of henchmen. Reminds me of Rod and a few others I trained so well to be like me. This ain’t gonna be easy. I’ve been this way for a long, long time. Oh you KNOW THAT already and are sick of my whining! Ain’t seen nothin’ yet?
“Who are these gaunt women staring at me? They look like SCARECROWS!!! They’re like that because I wouldn’t let them wear make up? Who said that? Oh, it’s you John! Trechak, don’t you have anything better to do than to interfere in MY repentance? No? Getting your jollies? Makes YOUR life of sacrifice worth your while?? Hey, Jesus, bring the BABES on again….Trechak was buggin’ me….
“They are to be treated with RESPECT? Can’t address them as BABES? They are misguided women who were unfortunate enough to get tangled up in my web of lies and lived with tyrant husbands who were trained to be brutes by ME and MY ministers? Brow beaten, SUBMISSIVE WOMEN who were destroyed emotionally and spiritually because they believe they had to, to please God, huh? Wasn’t God’s way–but was Herbert Armstrong’s way! Some of them died of diseases like cancer? Could have been treated and eradicated by doctors but because of my doctrines wouldn’t go for medical help…Yeah, yeah, yeah… So tell me something I don’t know!!! It was God’s will!!!!
“It WASN’T God’s will??? I’m not convinced? God allowed those men and women of the medical profession to administer to his children …….. ALL HIS CHILDREN. It was a BLESSING God gave to HIS CHILDREN to have the medicines the earth could provide through drug therapies and treatments??? It was MY WILL and DOMINANCE that required them to SUFFER and DIE NEEDLESSLY!??? Laying it on me pretty heavy there, don’t you think? Jesus? Why are you crying? Because you’re so angry you’d like to do WHAT to me? Pulverize? Anger is a SIN!!!! Get your hands off my THROAT!!!!
“We are all created in the likeness and IMAGE of God? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know all that! After all, I preached the GOSPEL all my life…blah…blah…blah…. You’re telling me that since we are created in God’s image that GOD GETS ANGRY so therefore there is such a thing as GODLY anger? Oh.
“He’s being ‘Godly’ angry…I’d better keep my mouth shut …. this once.”
Chapter 12
“Finally got a break from all those people staring at me with empty eyes. Haunts me!!!! I MUST find some alcohol to dull the feelings. I HATE feeling ANYTHING for ANYONE except ME, of course! Disgusting! Pitiful wretches!!! Where’s the bar? Hey you over there, where’s the nearest bar? Have to have an I.D. card to qualify for alcoholic beverages here? Haven’t been in REFORM long enough? Would abuse the privilege? Would use it to dull the impact of my misdeeds of the past?!!! No Shit! That’s why I want to drink!!
“I’m NOT pouting!!!! DENIAL? Dammit! Everybody’s judging me! Can’t have no fun at all. All I get is my nose rubbed in shit. Shit, shit, shit, that’s all I have here. I’m reaping what I have sown? SHUT UP YOU MORON!!!! Who the hell are you anyway? Wearing your Halloween costume, I see? What big EYES you have!!! That ain’t no costume? So you telling me I’m seeing aliens from outer space? You’ve got a bone to pick with me too? Called all alien life forms demons? NOT demons? Children of God from other worlds? Worlds who never heard of Herbert W. Armstrong and are mighty grateful for it, now that you MEET me? You’ve been trying to help the earthlings for a long time because of their ignorance due to people like ME? Kept in ignorance by government and church leaders? Dark ages? Never read Ezekiel with the same zest as the REST of Old Testament? Would have had to explain CHARIOTS? Eric von Daniken didn’t write fiction!? Exposed truth? Caused people to think?
“Shit. I must be dreaming and having another nightmare! Now I’m seeing aliens and worse than that……talking with them. I preached and preached that all things of a spiritual nature and all things like UFOs were demons. It was easier to have them all believe that, than to explain all the strange stuff that goes on in the world. Like ESP….called it influence by Satan. Now that goofy clown told me its one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Bah Humbug!!! If I’d have let ’em believe that these were gifts of God, then I couldn’t claim their inner voice was of Satan the devil. So now they’re ON to me and I see I have to deal with all these spirits and aliens…..Shit. I can’t fool anybody here. They’ve got the truth. The plain and simple truth. Not the perverted bullshit I preached. But of course, I’ll never admit to that to anyone. This is only my personal thinking. At least no one can read my thoughts.
“Whatda ya mean telepathic? Not one single thought goes uncensored here? Jesus Christ! Here you are again, freaking me out! You’re kidding, of course! You’re NOT KIDDING!!!!? How the hell can I exist with everyone knowing my THOUGHTS? Should have seen that in the Bible too? Wasn’t all fiction. Some important truths recorded for posterity….. Especially since I ignored the GOOD STUFF? Whatda ya mean I zeroed in on all the negative crap I could find and then twisted it on top of that for my own purposes? Especially the SUBMISSION OF WOMEN!!! So? They are inferior!!! Made in the image of EVE. MOTHER EVE!!! Punished eternally for causing ADAM to sin!
“I’ve got a lot to learn about THAT too? Not ready to hear about the beginnings of the FIVE root races of mankind including WOMANKIND! Advanced knowledge? I’m still in diapers?? Haven’t been weaned from the tit yet? Drink more milk? Got MILK? I’m thirsty. Can’t get a beer or whiskey, so Got milk? NO! I’m NOT kidding. So Jesus Christ, tell me about the five root races! This autta be good! So this planet has been here more than six thousand years? The hell you say!!! Billions and billions???? Meet Carl Sagan sometime because now he’s here too? He’s on a much higher plane than me? Got a better track record than me? Would I believe it if you told me that the five races came here in separate pairs, not all out of ‘Adam and Eve’ as I taught my followers? And they were five different races? All equal in the eyes of God? Seeded by aliens from outer space I suppose you’re going to tell me next!! I can’t stand it!!! I just can’t stand it!!! I’ve got to have some whiskey!!!! I can’t stand to hear all this bullshit!!! What do you mean I wouldn’t recognize the truth if it hit me in the face because I’ve lived with so much nonsense!!!?????
“Whatda ya mean I figured something out all by myself!!!??? Jesus Christ! Are you telling me that that guy in the Halloween costume wasn’t really wearing a costume? Are you telling me that there are all kinds of God’s children throughout the universe and that earth is just one of the planets that is inhabited? Some of my book, ‘Mystery of the Ages’, wasn’t as fictional as I thought it was? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? Oh that I alluded to God’s unlimited ability to create wonders we did not understand? Oh.
“Could have understood more if the piles of bullshit had not been laid on so thick! Not just my WORK but many other half-cocked religious nuts? Truth is coming to light now because it’s the end of the patriarchal era? Don’t tell me WOMEN are going to take over the world? Oh, they’re not. Their reign was destroyed in order for the men to have their reign? Witch hunts? Inquisition? Whole villages purged of women accused of witchcraft when all they were doing was healing with herbs, oils and spices….. What do you mean, like I condemned doctors and forbade people to seek medical treatment….. Now it’s time for the insanity to end? But it just started here, Jesus Christ! It’s just started. I have to face all the crap from my eighty plus years of abusing God’s people. Now I’m ‘gettin’ it’ ???????
“Shoulda read more than just the Bible? Some secular history books record events on planet earth…especially recent publications like that one about *’the dark side of Christian history’? Took a woman to write about it? Not a good track record? There’ve been many genocides in the name of God? Not just Hitler and the Jews, but throughout the world from time long since forgotten? The inquisition, the invasion of the continents of the Americas and the killing of the indigenous people, the so-called ‘Indians’. On and on it goes. The list is endless? Not just the Irish Catholics and Protestants, but scores of battles fought needlessly. Humans just don’t know any better than to stop fighting? God will put an end to it? Reveal the truth? We’re entering the fifth age? Sorta like the world tomorrow coming, but NOT. Can’t go on like this? Changes coming? Surprises that will upset the world as we know it, but not destroy it?
“Should read the prophecy of the White Buffalo Woman? A sign of the times? Other prophecies really did come true, unlike mine? There was a white buffalo calf born on August 20, 1994 in Janesville, Wisconsin just as the prophecy said would happen?…Check it out you say? It was born white, and turned red, brown and yellow, and when it turns white again it will already be a time of world peace? Each color of the buffalo indicates one of the four ages of mankind and we’re just completing the fourth? The prophecy also said that three days after this buffalo calf was born its father would die signaling the death of the patriarchy… And you say he did die? And if YOU believe THAT Jesus Christ, I have a bridge to sell you!! I don’t own any bridges to sell anyone? Burned all of mine? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah….take me so damn serious all the time!”
*”The Dark Side of Christian History” by Helen Ellerbe, Morningstar Books, 1995, ISBN 0-9644873-4-9
Chapter 13
“Argh!!! Buffalo chips! Dammit! I already did a six month in-depth study of the Bible! Who wants to READ? NOT ME! I should read? EVERYBODY SHOULD READ? Just because I caused people to be NOT able to read from the MIND CONTROL, doesn’t mean that we should not at least TRY????? Many libraries here now on this plane? Not filled with all the crap like I wrote in my magazines and booklets? The truth is everywhere, but sometimes hidden? Nature is a great teacher of truth? What the hell does THAT mean?
“Oh, I’m supposed to go lookin’ under rocks now I suppose and watch ants? They are more honest than ME? Could learn a lot from them? And you call me nuts, Jesus Christ???!!! You weren’t kidding. Truth? Too dense to understand God created nature in and of himself? God is all in all? Bible had some things right on? I didn’t emphasize the simple plain truth? Are you done with your harangue? Haven’t seen anything yet? Only just begun? Now what???
“Since I asked, you have some more people who want to see me? They were men in the Worldwide Church of God that abused their wives and children and have been here because they either died a natural death or committed suicide. So what do they want to see me for? They blame me for bringing out the worst possible human characteristics in them? They stopped listening to their own conscience and began to listen to me? I told them their conscience was the voice of the devil? Couldn’t trust Satan? Must shut off voices…all except mine and ministers. They have much repenting to do now because they got caught up in my bullshit religion!? It was not a church but a cult just like so many other cults out there in the world…I used the same techniques that Hitler used to subdue and control his people to do his ungodly bidding for him…. totalitarianism, terrorism, assault and battery on all levels of mind, body, spirit and emotion… Now these men have to FEEL AGAIN TOO just like I DO? They can’t drown their pain in booze either? Have to FEEL IT and live IN IT? Just like all their victims had to live with their abuse in the world?
“You weren’t done telling me about the equality of beings throughout the universe? A web of life? Everything is connected? The hip bone’s connected to the leg bone….la la la….the knee bone’s connected to the shoulder bone….la la la… ha ha ha SHUT UP? Jesus Christ, I always thought you were some wimpy womanish wretch of a man, and here you are bellowing out orders and telling me to……SHUT UP!!!! Oh keep your sandals on!! I’m listening. Can’t quite stomach that hair though. It’s past the neckline of your robe! Should get it cut. SHUT UP? You don’t give a damn about long hair? Stupid doctrine? Made it up? STIFLE MYSELF OR I’LL BE BALD, SHORTER AND WHAT???? Oh, Jesus Christ, you wouldn’t take THAT away…not yet anyway!!! ? Would you?
“Sometimes I’m better off not knowing? Fate? What do you mean, born again? Oh we’re back to threats again? Not a threat? A promise? No woman willing to bear me? Not even as a newborn? May have to spend a long long time in re-training with YOU? You don’t always like your job either? Gonna get help? Can’t take any more shit from me? Can’t stand listening to my diarrheic mouth? Prolific producer of rhetoric… repulsive…redundant…rhetoric flowing out of orifices like raw sewage…
“Now I’m feeling picked on. Tip of the iceberg? Makes the Titanic sinking look like a pebble in the water? You need a break, Jesus Christ? So let’s do lunch. Is that all I can think about is carnal needs? Yeah. So?
“Well. He couldn’t stomach me, he said. Had to go for some R & R to get his batteries recharged. He said while he’s gone I should think about D & R, not R & R. Divorce and Remarriage doctrines I set up for the Worldwide Church of God brethren. Said I was a cruel son of a bitch to make people who loved each other and were married, separate because they’d been married before and divorced. Said that I kept the doctrine so that I could control people and get them to submit to me, that God would have allowed them to separate from their abusive mates, or mistake marriages. He told me that God divorced Israel and that God knew when it was time to give up on a hopeless union. He told me God’s love is beyond measure and that love does not require pain and suffering, but I did with my stupid doctrines. He also told me that I screwed my own marriage vows sacrilegiously because I let Loma die in misery, and failed to get her medical help, and that all the other people that died because of their absolute obedience to me, were on my conscience too. He also reminded me of all the interracial couples I forced to separate because of my bigotry. Told me God never forbade the races to intermarry, that was MY law and not God’s. Told me I had to suffer all the pain each of these people suffered even if it takes me through the whole new millennium plus a few more. I guess he really is pissed off at me….
“Oh well…I coulda gone to hell. So I guess I’ll just mosey on down the path here and see where it leads me. What the hell is this? Stairway? Slider’s enter here? I wonder what this is all about. I wonder if John Trechak knows. Hey John? You around? Whatda ya make athis? Just like on the TV show? Long after I came here? Doorway to other dimensions? Other planes? Too numerous to mention? It’ll be a long time before I can flit around anyplace else. Purgatory? You say the Catholics called this place purgatory? Did you say get used to it? Could be worse? Yeah, been there too. Didn’t like the ‘guy in charge’ or his cronies. Reminded me of my kingdom, the Worldwide Church of God. I guess I am starting to see …
“A long way to go, John? Yeah, I suppose so. Hey, have you had breakfast yet? Wanna go for some jelly rolls or something? You’re sicka me too? Spoils your appetite when you’re with me? Find another sucker to listen to me whine?
“Hey Joe? Are you around? Joe Tkach, are you around? Hi Joe! Wanna go for breakfast. No, I’ll buy. It’s good to see you Joe. I’ve been having some adjustment problems. You too? Found out you’ve got major time to make up for brow beating your wife in the name of God? Extra time for pushing her beyond her mental capacity to endure your abuse. Will have to help all the women who’ll tolerate you, to assist them in their recovery from Worldwide’s abuse? That’s going to be quite a chore, Joe. You’ll have help? A few evangelists are floating around here too? Peons I wouldn’t remember, you say. If you say so, Joe. Lets go eat.”
to be continued…