Those who knew the late Herbert W. Armstrong (HWA) and are familiar with his Worldwide Church of God may recall Mr. Armstrong’s approach to his organization and all who he encountered. Truly, HWA was sole spokesperson and “Apostle” having an exclusive direct line from God. It is therefore in the truest sense of the word “appropriate” for him to continue to be the sole spokesperson in this satire.
“Burp! Ah! That was good! Burp!! Well Joe, thanks for the treat. Haven’t had heavenly pancakes like that since Loma cooked for me. You got anything lined up for you to do today? Oh, you’ve got a mandatory lecture series on humility. I see. Well I’ve got some free time, so I’ll see you around, buddy. Wonder where this path leads… Since nobody has paged me I’ll check it out. Interesting… Looks like an old court house… Humm… Nobody’s around. I don’t think anybody’d care if I just… Look at all those files!! Wonder if there’s one with my name on it… Should be right here in the ‘A’ section… Sure enough… here it is “Herbert W. Armstrong”. Humm… Look what we have here! They plan to sign me up for consecutive lecture series on developing humility, reversing narcissism, eradicating sex addiction, alcoholism, sociopathy, arrogance, and rehabilitation therapy for delusion busting, and hypnotic trance therapy, appropriate manners instruction, and Pied Piper complex therapy… humm …I wonder what all this means? Oh, it means I’m going to be very, very busy? And who are you? Keeper of the assignments… Oh, do you have a name?
“What am I doing here? I’m snooping! What are you doing here? Your job… Oh, I see. And what job is that? Making sure all residents are assigned to their appropriate educational programs. I see… And when do I start? I’ve already started the informal part of the series called, ‘random contact and socialization with fellow residents’. Oh. I see. And it was random that I ran into Jesus Christ and Saint Pete? Intentional? Oh, you telling me they can lower their frequencies and come to this plane but don’t live here? Anybody on a higher plane can come here to ‘visit’ but anyone assigned here cannot go to a higher vibrational level. Oh, so what does that mean?
“You’re telling me everything is energy? Naw… Electrical? How so? Just like radio frequencies? Every plane of existence or world operates on its own ‘frequency’? Hum? Like a humming bird beating its wings… can’t hardly see them… so when they stop you see wings, when they are in motion you don’t. The faster the speed, the less you see. Like a fan on high speed, the blades disappear? Yeah. I see. So the reason we don’t see those on higher planes is because their energy operates on a higher frequency? Something like that… Unhuh… Uh, Where did you go? Hey you!!! Come back here!!! Oh, you’re still here I just couldn’t see you because you raised your frequency again and then disappeared. You didn’t disappear really? I just couldn’t see you at a higher frequency like the fan blade or wings on the humming bird. Humm… Too bad I didn’t think of that. I could have written booklets on it… No more booklets? Wasted enough of earth’s forests on junk mail? Single handedly destroyed acres and acres… No respect. Dammit. I don’t get no respect!!! I don’t like it here!!!
“What the hell? Now where am I? All I said was I don’t like it here and now I’m gone someplace else and everything is changed. I’m getting a taste of thought response activation? Better get used to it? The modus operandi here!!! Wow!!! Oh its you again, Jesus Christ. Lowered yourself to my level here, huh? Just the frequency you say? Yeah. Now I get it. Wish I’d catch on to other principles as fast? Hard headed? Some stuff is more important than others, you say? Some things a matter of physics and some things a matter of choice. I’m to work on matters to redeem good standing with God? You mean there really is a God? I WAS beginning to wonder. After all, I AM DELUSIONAL. Elective Delusionalism? Hope to cure it, huh?
“More people here to confront me? Lined up outside? Who are these people? I never met them before. They all wear funny robes like yours… and funny hair… need hair cuts too! All of those people from the Bible that I dishonored by my doctrines? Saints Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Jezebel, and Mary Magdalene to name a few? Mary has something she wants to tell me? She wasn’t the harlot and slut I made her out to be? Oh, so Mary, what were you then? You were Jesus companion and you loved each other very much… I don’t know anything about real love? There was another woman who was a harlot and I liked confusing your attributes with hers? Well, EXCUUUUUSE ME!!!
“Yeah. There I go again with my arrogant outbursts! So sue me!!! Ok, ok…I’ll back off. What are you here for? Because I twisted the scriptures to back up my twisted dogma? Insult to their integrity? So, Jesus Christ, what is integrity? I wouldn’t know because I never had any? Oh.
“So anything else you guys wanna complain about? Pitiful excuse for a preacher? Stop using their names in vane? Stop misquoting them? Stop all preaching and begin listening? Need to be educated to the REAL plain truth. It’s going to be the ‘painful truth’ for me!!!? Everybody’s going to get a taste of the ‘painful truth’? Oh well, like I always said, ‘no pain, no gain’, heh heh heh…
“Whatda ya mean all I ever said was ‘no pay, no salvation’? I never said that!!! Not in so many words anyway! Held people’s soul’s for ransom? Big price for something they already possessed and didn’t realize it because of all my bullshit! Don’t I get it? Don’t I get what? I’m supposed to take responsibility for my actions? At least ‘own’ what I did to all these people? Admit it? Stop denying it? So Religion has been doing that for eons, why single me out to blame me? Got to stop the cycle of abuse? Could be a better world if they knew the truth, the whole truth and only truth… And you thought I WAS IDEALISTIC??
“Exactly what God wants? Everyone should be aware and live the ‘love’ way? Yeah, that’s what I preached for years… live the way of give, not the way of get!!! Whatda ya mean I lived the way of ‘gimmie, gimmie, gimmie…? I did too need a jet to get around, and a fine mansion to live in, and… You aren’t buyin’ it? You didn’t need a jet, or fancy clothes, or fine crystal and chinaware, and a mansion and college campuses… and you preached the real truth of the kingdom of God… and even though people got a lot screwed up they still have some of the right principals you taught… Well, Jesus Christ, you’ve made your point, now can we go to lunch?
“Can’t stomach my indifference? Can’t take my abrasive attitude? Attitude adjustment school? Major training program? Only a few of the worst have had to go there? Christopher Columbus, Adolph Hitler, Napolean, Joe Tkach..etc.. and Herbert W. Armstrong!!!? Joe passed with flying colors? Got him in right away because it wasn’t going to take as long as me? Had to provide long term arrangements for me? Some of the others had a bad attitude about sharing the program with me? Wanted to graduate before I got in? So there’s an opening waiting for me? Oh, good grief!”
“Whatda ya mean Armageddon? Whatda ya mean I’m going to learn first hand? Whatda ya mean it’s my turn? Oh oh!! I’m in big trouble now!!! Yeah, that’s what I just said, Jesus Christ. I’m in big trouble now!! I’m facing a total transformation of my spirit? That’s what Armageddon is all about? What about all those scary guys on horse back? The ones from the book of Revelation? Symbolic? Armageddon is a rise in consciousness? I have a long way to go? The only way to go is ‘up’ or to the viper pit with Belial? That’s what all these programs here are for, to help me get to a higher consciousness? Oh.
“That was more bullshit I preached… to scare the hell out of people… so I could control them and insure their tithes coming in to my coffers. Scrooge? Made scrooge look like a nice guy? What the dickens you talking about? Oh, its you again!? Do I want to go for a little journey with you? No. Not really. I’m going anyway? Where to this time, Chuck? A lot of ‘Tiny Tim’s’ in my wake? See the damages they suffered because of my damned dogma? Parental abuses, beatings, robbed of their childhoods, lived in poverty because their parents had no money left after tithing to me, ostracized from society because they were weird, couldn’t celebrate holidays, stole Christmas, birthdays, any kind of recognition to demean them as human beings, allowed sexual abuses, mental abuses, spiritual abuses, emotional abuses, destroyed their will to live…etc…. So this is my wake?
“All these ragamuffins come to my funeral wake? Oh, you’re talking about the ship that sailed and sunk? Huh? Whatda ya mean by that? Ohhhhhhhh! I get it…!!!! So they got a little catching up to do, huh? Don’t look so outraged! Geezeee! I destroyed their futures? Used them and abused them, stepped on them like dirt and then left them to die in their misery… You sure can lay it on thick, Chuck! Can’t come close to see all the damage I’ve done? Broke hearts and families like toothpicks and threw them away like garbage… Ya Chuck. Ya got me there. I never did like fraternizin’ with the lowlifes.
“Whatda ya mean they’ll reap a prize greater than anything I’ll ever see? They’ve already done their suffering and they’ll be exempt from all the extended training? Had their humility training? Will need to be revitalized with lotsa love therapy? Have to be taught all over again to love themselves? Have to be shown how much God really loves them? Have to be reminded that their place is secured here? Jesus Christ told them that his father has many mansions awaiting them…and I get the mud hut out back? Nice work, Chuck! I don’t even deserve that much? Already had my mansions? Stop whining? Shut Up???
“Whatda ya mean we’re going to spend a few years in the archives looking at all of my abuses to all of the people I encountered on earth? Have to take responsibility for all I’ve done? Can’t get away with anything here. I ain’t nobody here? Just another hot air balloon that will get deflated in time? God’s days are as a thousand years…just like I taught… so get used to it?
“When can we go eat, Chuck? I had breakfast a long time ago? I sure would like some of those fancy pork chops again! You don’t DO lunch? Find another joker to break bread with? Not many people here still practice the carnal art of eating food? Spirits don’t have to eat… Just psychological conditioning makes me think I need to eat? A hard habit to break? I have a lot of hard habits to break? Most of them much worse than eating?
“This is really feeling like a nightmare! I just want to wake up! Not a chance of that, Jesus Christ? Someone here to see me? From the dreamtime? People who live on earth dream and their spirits can travel all over? I didn’t know that! Who are you? Never heard of you Patti . What do you want to see me about? Spent a lot of years believing my dogma? True believer? Baptized member for many years? Tithe payer? Ha ha, another sucker!! You’re laughing now because you KNOW the REAL truth and don’t have any more of that religious crap in your head? Damn near destroyed you? Destroyed your life? Killed your loved one? No I didn’t!!! He killed himself because you wouldn’t marry him? Because of my damn decree against interracial marriage and some of his blood wasn’t white? Couldn’t obey ‘god’ and marry him too? Did all the wrong things for all the right reasons… to do God’s will? Dumb sheep that followed me for years? Questioned the actions of a minister of God? Wrote to headquarters? Minister forced you out of Worldwide Church of God because you wouldn’t choose ‘God and the church over the truth’ and you say you knew the truth and so did God, so you quit the church… expected to land in the lake of fire… refused to let minister come with his henchman and harangue you one more time… did it several times and almost snapped your mind… knew he’d destroy you if you let him come back… disfellowshipped and marked and then slandered from the pulpit for years coast to coast… heard about it from others who didn’t shun you? Attempted to divide and conquer! Some couldn’t be divided??? About 30 people came out of church because of the uproar? How dare they break my commandments!!! Some of the brethren still talked to you? I’ll have to… Oh. That’s right. I’m no longer Pastor General. I’m dead. Deader than most?
“Questioned the doctrines because of MY FRUITS and the FRUITS that TOOK OVER after I died? My absurd teachings caused you to do an in depth study? Six months? No? The past twelve years… Read all the books I forbade? Found out I was full of shit! Threw everything I taught you away and started over? Thought you knew everything when you were in Worldwide, but now you know you were programmed to think this and realize you don’t know much… Now know just the basics? Enough? Enough to not worry anymore… or pay tithes to anyone anymore… or take anything at face value… or believe anything a preacher or politician says… Don’t like nightmares either? Don’t want to be around the likes of me even in a nightmare? She’s gone… Wonder why she didn’t sock it to me any stronger than that!!! I really screwed up her life. Took the best years of her life, destroyed the potential she had. Squelched her creativity. Guess that pissed her off the most. Never got to do the things with her life she had set out to do before she got tangled up in my web, she said. Just another daughter of EVE. Whatda ya mean, Jesus Christ… There’ll be no more put downs of women!!!? Not unless I’d like to meet all the female former members in my dreams… Good grief!!! Nightmares! No, please….
“Discernment… discernment… huh? So there’s a difference between judgment and discernment? And you people here aren’t JUDGING me? You claim to have the ability to DISCERN? God will judge me in the final judgment? ‘Till then I will have to judge MYSELF according to all the acts I have done and all the misery I have created in the world? And all the lies I have told? And as I judge OTHERS I will be judging myself? I’m in big trouble… REAL BIG TROUBLE!!!
“Whining again? Naw. I’m just hashing over what everybody’s been telling me. Talking to myself! Nobody wants to listen to an old man anymore. An old DEAD man I might add. Pity pot? There’s that damn term again. Will somebody please tell me what the hell a pity pot is? Your name is Bill? Bill W.? And you’ll tell me all about it if I’ll go to some meetings? I’ll learn a lot about myself if I go to these meetings? I’ll learn twelve steps to a new way of life? I’ll think about it, Bill. Thanks. Might just take him up on that offer. I’d sure like to know what the hell a pity pot is!
“I’m going over to that library Jesus Christ was telling me about. I want to look up some stuff he mentioned and… Oh… you’re on your way to the library too? A teacher? Used to call you a great philosopher? Plato? Oh sure, I heard of you. I’m Herbert W. Armstrong, founder and Pastor General of the Worldwide Church of God in Pasadena, California. I used to FORBID my followers to READ your writings!!! Heh, heh… How could I convince them the earth was six thousand years old if I let them read about the sunken continent of Atlantis that you wrote about? …*And a 50,000 year old petroglyph map in Ica, Peru that shows the island in the Atlantic! Hell, then they’d have realized that those who survived the sinking island fled to Europe as well as America and thus my claim of British Israelism would have been out the window. Hell, even Adolf Hitler’s claim to a pure Aryan race would be down the toilet. Deliberately deceived people? Yeah. So what? Paid the rent… heh heh… You calling me pitiful? Plato is a jerk! No sense of humor!
“Now I forgot what it was Jesus Christ told me to look up… Oh yeah… It was a book about the Tree of Life. Let’s see here. Oh yeah… found it! Hum, interesting. **Another book I forbade my ‘sheep’ to read. Heh, heh, heh… Shows the creation… How God first designed the macrocosm… means universe it says here…. and the microcosm…. human beings… and what keeps the universe in balance… Wow. Deep stuff! Humm… the visual diagram is the symbol of the tree in the garden of Eden! Holy SHIT!!! And it says here that it shows the four worlds, and the trinities… TRINITIES!!! Plural!! NO SHIT! Boy oh boy am I in trouble now! After all the preaching I did that there was no TRINITY!!! Here is ancient knowledge of the trinity… I’m not sure if I want to find out… but if I don’t read the damn book, Jesus Christ is going to be on my case, so either way, I’m going to have to report back to him… May as well read it… its kind of interesting anyway… Hey, this is the same stuff that old keeper of the assignments was telling me about electricity the other day, electrical currents and positive and negative poles… says here that the trinity is the underlying principal of the balance within the universal laws of life… it says here that the three are as one and one is as three… Oh shit! Hum…all things were polorized… positive masculine… negative feminine. Shit! I could have told ’em that!!! …electric or magnetic… This shows the equality of the feminine and masculine!!! I can’t stand to read this! It’s against everything I hold dear!
“And just what do I hold dear, you ask? Jesus Christ, you again! Well of course, the superiority of the male gender!!! NOT! You’re blasting my illusions, man! Better get used to it you say? I’m still in kindergarten? Time to learn about our androgynous creator God, Herbert? Whats androgynous mean? Having both genders? OH MAN! You’re getting too weird for me! No superior gender? Created equal? Women are Not to be submissive to men? I can’t stand it, Jesus! I can’t accept that they are equal. After all, my whole life has been dedicated to eradicating women’s power…. Not something I should be proud of? Have to repent? MOTHER EVE DID NOT SIN? I can’t stand it!!!! I just can’t stand it!!!! God punished her with pain in childbirth because of her sins…..!!! NOT??? Counsel of Nicea’s way to subjugate women started long before I was on the scene? They were able to impute their motives into scripture? Many of the Hebrew words were mistranslated? Many words had higher or multiple meanings and could not be expressed in other languages adequately? The Catholic Church was instrumental in translating the Bible texts? You mean to say that I was right about them?
“Oh… you don’t like me calling them Babylon, the Great Mother of Whores? Do I realize I was one of them? One of whom, Jesus Christ? One of the whores??? I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but never a whore. A whore hopper, yes, of course. But never a whore! You were speaking collectively of my organization, the Worldwide Church of God as being one of the daughter’s of Babylon? Oh. And all that preaching and all that prolific writing was in vain… An abomination? A total misnomer? Should have called it the Worldwide Church of Crap or the Worldwide Web of Deceit??? Or like David Robinson wrote in his book, The Tangled Web. Oh, I really did a good job of weaving, didn’t I?
After all these trips to the library and the training sessions, you’re going to send me to the archives where I can look up my REAL ancestry? You mean to say that I can’t claim King David as my great-great greeeeeeeaaaaaaat grandpa? Not even related except that he was human too? Wouldn’t want to admit to having a descendant like me? Would disown me if I was descended by some fluke? Already has enough grand descendents? Too much significance has been given to his lineage anyway? Some day I may understand the great plan of God and realize that there was a real plan, and that no human being could have interfered with it, not even me? And that there will never be any ONE human being who will be the ONLY human God communicates with and if anyone ever tells people that again, people should run like hell… because it’s probably somebody like me? You know, Jesus Christ, it’s not fun anymore being an apostle.”
* “Mitakuye Oyasin” (We are all related), by Dr. A.C. Ross (Ehanamani), Bear, Box 480005, Denver, CO 80248; 1989. ISBN 0-9621977-0-X
**Kabbalah, Your Path to Freedom, by Ann Williams-Heller, Quest Books, 1990, ISBN 0-8356-0656-2
“Why am I sitting here on a park bench pouting you ask? Well Saint John Trechak, if you would be keeping up your life’s work of following me around and snooping and reporting on me then you wouldn’t have to ask.!!! Now would you!!! Been through hell and back these last few days. Got a lot on my mind. Have a lot of reading to do. Just books and pamphlets and videos and materials that take up all my time. Jesus Christ has been on my case and just makes me study everything. Says that I’m an over-bearing hard-headed nut case! No respect here John. I don’t get no respect. And then they tell me people from higher planes can come here to visit by lowering their vibrational level but that anybody assigned here can’t go any higher until they earn that right. Oh? You knew that? That was one of the first things they taught you on your plane? You mean you already are on a higher level and… You LOWER YOURSELF to come and see ME??? Just your VIBRATIONS!!!! Not your integrity? There’s that WORD again… INTEGRITY!!! What the HELL is INTEGRITY John? Stop laughing!!! John…
“It’s all in the dictionary? Your dictionary says that it means HONESTY? Words like SINCERITY, UPRIGHTNESS, WHOLENESS, SOUNDNESS come to your mind? And like you said I don’t have any of these characteristics? What do you mean PERSONAL INTEGRITY? Whatda ya mean I messed with people’s personal integrity!!! I’m not responsible for other people, John!!! I am so? Because of all my lies, I led them into corruption? Caused them to not think for themselves? Did their thinking for them, therefore took responsibility for all of them? Took away their ability to think by using mind control techniques? Shouldn’t have patterned my practices after Hitler?? Integrity is a personal choice? When a person’s free will is taken away and interfered with as I did to my followers, then their FREE WILL CHOICE is also destroyed?? So you’re telling me, John, that they weren’t responsible for their own actions? That they were ‘just following orders’??? So I’m responsible for all of them?
“Jesus Christ. Right on time. Here’s John Trechak giving me a short course on something I’ve never heard of before. Integrity. Know anything about this, Jesus Christ? Been listening to us telepathically?? Oh. Forgot about that!!! John, did you know about telepathic communication like they use here? Oh, you knew that a long time ago? When you first got here already? Before you got here? Oh. Guess you did some READING in your spare time then, huh John. Weren’t always reporting on me and my organization? John? Stop laughing. It isn’t funny.
“It’s God’s job to decide who is responsible? Everyone is responsible for their own behavior but God takes it into consideration when they have been abused with mind control and gives them a special dispensation? Those who do the mind control however, get double-barrel treatment? Boy oh boy…have I heard THAT a lot here!!! God’s love is in balance, remember? It’s the TRINITY that keeps everything in balance… There’s THAT word again too. Jesus Christ, I never believed in a trinity. Taught all my followers there were two Gods. Now the Holy Spirit is gonna GET me? Because I slandered her? HER??? OOOH SHIT!!!
“Feminine aspect of God??? Suppressed? Goddess? This is one lesson that I don’t want to hear about, Jesus Christ!!! I am not in any mood to discuss it!!! If there is such a thing, then I don’t want to know about it!!! You can’t force me to learn!!! No choice in THIS matter? Can’t deny A*N*Y part of God if I want to stay HERE…!!! Feminine ASPECT is a part of GOD!!! Whatda ya mean I might be surprised to learn that the feminine aspect of God could very well be incarnated on the earth today?!! This is too much, Jesus Christ!!! This must be another one of those nightmares!!!!
“John, I have to get out of here!!! Will you go for a walk with me? Let’s go get some pork chops. I am NOT a HYPOCRITE!!!! How can I eat pork chops after all the years of abstinence from them? Do you actually believe, John, that I, THE APOSTLE had to be ABSTINENT? That was one of the tenants of the Worldwide Church of God, but as the APOSTLE I did not have to obey. I GAVE the orders John, I didn’t TAKE them!!! Whatda ya mean THINK about that and I might understand INTEGRITY …or lack thereof??? John? Where are you going? You and Jesus Christ are going out for breakfast? Bacon and eggs sound good. Can I come along? Have to read the booklets on “Integrity” and “Shekinah, The Feminine Aspect of God”… THEN I can go eat…!? It’s not FAIR!!! It’s just not fair!!! They get to eat and I have to stay here and read. And nobody told me SHE had a NAME. The SHE-god. Shekinah. Not a bad sounding name though. Shit. Who would have ever guessed that God had a feminine side! He has always been masculine in my mind.
“I wonder if Joe Tkach ever heard about THIS? Hey Joe? Can’t you HEAR ME??? Everybody on this PLANE can hear me bellow? That’s not nice to say Joe. They can hear me telepathically and then they can hear me with their other senses too? Oh. Loud? Demanding? Spoiled brat? Kindergarten? Diapers? Ok Joe. Enough compliments already. I just called you because I was lonesome and wanted to ask you about ‘her’. Did you ever hear of ‘her’. IF YOU READ MY THOUGHTS, DAMMIT, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. NO TIME TO PLAY STUPID, JOE!!! Oh, you’ve known about ‘her’ for some time already? One of the first lessons they gave you because you were so cruel to your wife, who was made in the IMAGE after all, of God…the she-god! Oh Joe. Do you think we’ll ever learn all this TRUTH??????
“You aren’t supposed to take anybody else’s truth as your own? Supposed to look inside and find the truth there? That’s what the Bible meant by “the kingdom of God is within you”? Oh, so we’re back to the Bible, which has so much fiction, and so much non-fiction that I don’t know which is which!!! Yeah, I do think I’ve got troubles! What do I think of all the people I deceived with my lies? They are still picking the fly shit out of the pepper? What the HELL does THAT mean Joe? Means it’s hard to tell the difference sometimes between the truth and non-truth? I spent a lifetime confusing the two. Now I have to join the ranks and pick up the pepper shaker and get to work???? Everybody else has to do this too? PICK THE FLY SHIT OUT OF THE PEPPER?????? This place really bugs me. I don’t get no respect. Have to read all these goddam booklets. Have to listen to all these lectures….and Ach choooooooooooooooooo!!!! Now the goddam pepper!!!!!
“You were only kidding, Joe??? Joe, you sonofa BITCH! Whatda ya mean watch it or the SHE-god is gonna get ya… Shut up, Joe. Just SHUT UP!!!!”
to be continued…