Those who knew the late Herbert W. Armstrong (HWA) and are familiar with his Worldwide Church of God may recall Mr. Armstrong’s approach to his organization and all who he encountered. Truly, HWA was sole spokesperson and “Apostle” having an exclusive direct line from God. It is therefore in the truest sense of the word “appropriate” for him to continue to be the sole spokesperson in this satire.
Chapter 18
“That damn Joe. Thinks he’s so smart! Pick fly shit out of pepper!! Just doesn’t give me the respect I deserve!!! As the twentieth century apostle, I should get more respect. Oh, so I should have gotten the ‘hint’ by now that I’m not really an apostle? And who are you? Paul who was Saul and who has seen it all? Ha ha ha…. finally somebody with a sense of humor!!! So whatda ya call yourself now? Oh you’re one of God’s Apostles. A real apostle? One of the originals? Imposter? You’re calling me an imposter? Not just an imposter but a self-righteous egotistical self-centered IMPOSTER! No sense of humor there. Just another GROUCH! I’m outa here! Have to find some peace and quiet! Where’s that pathway to the park. Oh… here it is…
“Why am I tossing pebbles into the pond? Because I’m disgusted with everybody here… who’s asking? Oh, it’s you Jesus Christ. What now? You want me to just sit here and watch what I’m doing? I’m just tossing these little pebbles into the water, one after another. You want me to wait a minute and then toss just one in and watch the ripples? Then what? Just watch, huh? Ok. So now what? Yeah, I see the ripples. Just one pebble makes all those ripples. Yeah. So? Compare me to a pebble? You think I’m just a pebble? Oh, that’s not what you said… make an analogy? Like I’m the pebble…? And all the ripples I’ve caused… oh. Everything I’ve done in my life is like this pebble… having a ripple effect long after its sunk out of sight… oh yeah? How so?
“Do I know the status of the Worldwide Church of God since I died? Yeah, sure, Joe Tkach took over as Pastor General. Do I know what he did with my doctrines? Yeah, sure. He and his son changed just about everything. Got rid of the ban on medical treatment, changed the Sabbath, turned it into just another protestant church… everything deteriorated like a row of dominos tumbling. That’s not all? What then? Oh, lots of people left Worldwide because of the changed doctrines… yeah, can’t say I blame them. Offshoot groups? Rod, Gerald, Bill and lots of others set up their own groups? Lots more people got recruited? More abuses? Some groups carried on in Armstrong style? No? STRONG ARM style, brow beating women and children… still a dangerous cult only now instead of one it’s a whole bunch of them… Yeah, just like I said in the old days… when you cut down the main trunk of the tree a bunch of offshoots spring up like weeds!!!! Nothing to be proud of? I’m responsible for all these people too? They’ll be suffering the ‘ripple effect’? Even though I’m long gone from there, they are still under my thumb and doctrines…
“That’s one of the universal laws you were telling me about? What affects one person affects all of us? The web of life? Each a strand in the web of life, sorta like a spider web… I single handedly pulled down the consciousness of thousands of people, generations of people and it still continues because my ‘trainees’ continue to teach what I taught… And it will be a long long time before the mess will be cleaned up and the people will understand they were all duped. I wasn’t the only one? All kinds of organized religion will be called on the carpet for their misdeeds? No shit? All religions are man made? All cults are pseudo-religions and are created by stereotypical egotists like me who are power and control freaks!! You’ve been reading my mail… heh heh
“No one needs RELIGION to reach God? Prayer is US TALKING TO GOD… Meditation is the way we HEAR GOD TALK TO US!!!!!??? I have to learn how to keep QUIET so that I can LISTEN instead of talk all the time? If I meditate I will hear my guidance? Never could before because my EGO got in the way? All of my life I’ve been on one big EGO trip?? Geeee, thanks a lot!! God had no way to reach me? I Claimed I had the only channel to God and here my channel was plugged with BULLSHIT? You telling me that it wasn’t my guidance I followed but my EGO? Humph!!! Did I ever do anything RIGHT? NEVER LISTENED? ALWAYS A KNOW-IT-ALL ARROGANT WART-HOG!!!??? Now you’re name calling! Got my ATTENTION? Yeah… yeah… yeah…What guidance? We all have a spirit guide or guardian angel? Unlike what I taught that all beings that were spirit were evil DEMONS. Our guides are usually someone from the spirit side who knows us well and agrees to be there for us throughout our lifetime on earth. Mine RESIGNED? Went AWOL??? Put an ad in the Ambassador Report looking for a replacement!!! No resumes? Not even an application!!! STOP LAUGHING!!! I don’t think it’s a BIT funny!!!
“So Jesus Christ, if I sit quietly, keep my mouth shut, quiet down my thoughts I should be able to hear God? That’s the idea? You don’t think I am ready for that? You don’t believe I could STOP TALKING for any length of time? You’re not sure God is interested in talking to me right now? Disgusted with my attitude? I should read some more books. Good one just written by a renowned psychic, *Sylvia Browne still on earth… about the ‘other side’… lots of good information explaining the TRUTH about spiritual stuff. Not lies like I wrote and preached for years? So why are you making me read all these books written by WOMEN, Jesus Christ? Because for once in my life I’m going to have to listen to them and learn from them??? Fat chance they can teach ME anything, Jesus Christ. Never learned anything from one yet!
“Well, if you’re finished with me for the day, Oh… You’re not? You would like to show me how to pick fly shit out of pepper? You too?? Think you can fool me with that TRICK? A lesson in discernment!!? That WORD again!!! True discernment IS picking the fly shit out of the pepper..? Oh… I never needed to sort it before. Yeah… yeah… yeah… You saying I was better off delusional? No? You’re saying I was NEVER DECEIVED. KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING… FULLY AWARE… R*E*S*P*O*N*S*I*B*L*E FOR MY ACTIONS? Yeah, heh heh heh, aren’t we all!
I sure can’t figure out what the BIG DEAL is! Wish I had my jet. I’m bored.”
*”The Other Side and Back” A Psychic’s Guide to Our World and Beyond. Sylvia Browne with Lindsay Harrison. Dutton. 1999. ISBN 0-525-94504-0
Chapter 19
“What NERVE!!!! Called me a ‘warthog’. Said the ‘W’ in my name stands for ‘Warthog’. How insulting can you get!!!! No respect here. I get no respect. Arrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!
Just pisses me off! Makes me so damn mad!!! Dammmmmmn mad! God’s apostle being treated like a warthog. Whatda ya mean at least I’m feeling SOMETHING???? Whatda ya mean the ‘love of many has waxed cold’ thanks to my doctrines??? You blaming me for a bunch of lost sheep!??? Heh heh? You are… Oh. Over burdened them… caused their circuits to overload… caused them to shut down emotionally… caused them to stuff all their feelings… caused them to suffer posttraumatic stress disorder? What the HELL is that? So you’re telling me that when they break free of my mind control, their emotions thaw out? Then they feel ALL OF THEIR FEELINGS at once and the pain of being DECEIVED by the ‘one and only true church on the face of the earth’ and then all their past feelings they never dealt with are ‘in their face’?? And who made you the expert? Who are you? Am I supposed to know you?
“No, we never met? Then how do you know so much about me? A friend of Patti who was never sucked in by the Worldwide Church of God? So whatda ya want with me, bucky boy? The name’s Mike? You don’t like being called ‘bucky boy’ just because you have native blood? So you’re not of the pure Aryan race like I am, huh? Stop laughing. I don’t think you’re one bit funny!!! So you say you lowered yourself to come here and look me up? Oh. Just the vibrations, not the integrity. I’ve heard THAT before. So you told Patti I was just one of those “Holy Rollers” and tried to persuade her to stay away from me? Told her about the Great Spirit and the powers of the four directions? Pagan crap, huh and she wouldn’t buy it!!! Not pagan crap? Same Great Spirit that created ME? Same four powers Christians call the archangels? Oh? Same stuff, different lingo, huh? So she couldn’t understand because she was raised Catholic? The Great Mother of Harlots religion I always say!! Catholic Church taught her that anybody who commits suicide goes straight to hell? I always taught that hell was the grave. Not what the Catholics meant?
“So when you died she couldn’t stand the thought that you’d gone to hell? Couldn’t believe it because you were so spiritual? Talked to her sister’s ministers from the Worldwide Church of God and they told her you were asleep in the grave and would be resurrected after a thousand years and be given the opportunity to learn of God’s truth then? Yeah, that’s the way I taught them. Was ok for her to think that while she was in Worldwide but when she left she realized we’d lied about EVERYTHING else and she had to know where you really were!!! Ha, I’ll bet that kept her busy!!! She went back to your people and learned your beliefs? Then she studied all the other possibilities from secular books… the ones I wouldn’t let anybody read! Read Emanuel Swedenborg’s prolific works? Yeah, he was a ‘wind bag’ too. Ha ha…
“So you killed yourself because she joined Worldwide? You didn’t kill yourself? Everybody thought you did? Somebody just as bigoted as me put an end to your life? Wasn’t suicide. She thought it was for many years until a spiritualist told her otherwise? Must have been a sorcerer, huh? Wasn’t? Just an ordinary man with a gift of the Holy Spirit? Gift, not demon possessed? Yeah, I used to teach all gifts of the spirit were demonic. Ha ha. Kept them out of tarot cards!!! Except for the ones I… Oh never mind.
“So you’re telling me that fourteen years later she had posttraumatic stress disorder because all her feelings came out when she began grieving for the brethren who shunned her? Like they all died at once? Too much grief? Triggered her own personal grief from the past that she didn’t deal with because she went into Worldwide for the next fourteen years? So? What’s your point?
“So you’re blaming me because if it hadn’t been for my articles against interracial marriage the fact that you have native American blood as well as French blood, wouldn’t have mattered and she would have married you? Then you’d have been together and the likelihood of your death would have been less. So your saying it’s MY fault? Am I supposed to care? Callous? No feelings? I do too have feelings!!! I feel like BARFING from your SOB STORY!!! So you weren’t blaming me? Just checking me out? Now you know what she’s been through? Lots of people lost love ones because of me? You’ve forgiven me? Doesn’t matter anymore? God’s plan so vast that lifetimes on earth are just a small part of the picture. You’ll be together again? Love never dies? The only thing we take with us besides our knowledge and spiritual growth… or deficit like in MY CASE??
Going back to your plane? Yeah, wish I could go back to mine, but I can’t find it. Was a nice jet too. Bought it with tithe money, yeah. Part of it belonged to Patti? And all the brethren? They never got to ride in it??? So what’s that got to do with anything? Oh, you’re just pointing out a few realities? A few realities I never gave a damn about, ‘bucky boy’. Say where’d he go? Just vanished!!! Damn Indian! Savage! Pagan!
“Whatda ya mean I’m the real SAVAGE? And who, pray tell, are you with your skin the color of molasses? Name’s Mahatma Gandi? Did I ever have my picture taken with you? You don’t remember? Wouldn’t have wasted your time? Had more important things to do? Helped your people in India march peacefully against the British rule? Now you want to help influence those on earth under mind control so they can find peace in their hearts and not waste feeling bitter towards me? What would they find to be bitter about, Matma…? Mafa…? Moo Moo??? Or whatever the hell your name is? Oh, like you said in the first place I’m the savage? Nice guy! And YOUR mother eats SACRED COWS!!!! Ha ha ha No self respecting PAGAN would have anything to do with the likes of me? Pagan is a good way to go? What ROCK you been sleepin’ under, Moo Moo??? Insolent? Insidious? INSULTING if you ask ME? Didn’t ask, but I’m that too? Mr. Molasses has SPOKEN! So it must be so!!! Damn ugly… Watch my mouth or I’ll find myself incarcerated? And who says so? You again, Jesus Christ!!! Sure are some weirdoes here…”
Chapter 20
“Harrumph!!! Can’t find my jet. Nobody likes me. I don’t get no respect! Get called a Warthog… just because I’m short. I’m not THAT short… That’s NOT what the ‘W’ in my name stands for. Just being victimized by all these holier than thou SAINTS! What a bummer! I just want to find my jet and go back to Pasadena. There is NO ESCAPE? Someone once told YOU that? And who are you? No saint? The Quicksilver? What the hell is a ‘quicksilver’? Oh I get it!! Mr. Mercury Man! Ha ha. Just having a routine nightmare? Oh, friend of that damn Patti ? Oh, not a friend, she doesn’t like you any more than she likes me? This should be interesting. So why’d you come here in your dreamtime? Bored? Oh, I get it! Looking for a little excitement, huh? Checking me out? Heard all about me from ‘HER’? All that Bible bullshit? Hey Mr. Quick, that’s not nice to disrespect the Bible. After all, that is God’s truth, you know. You don’t know? Oh, so tell me about it.
“So you’re telling me the Old Testament was done away? It was pre-empted by the New Testament, according to the Christian church fathers who geared the writing toward that end? So you’re telling me that Bible thumping isn’t your bag? You’re a hippie from the sixties. Yeah, you look like a hippie with your tie-dyed shirt and long blond hair and beard? Ever shave? You know God doesn’t like long hair. Bullshit you say? So what difference does hair length have to do with anything? I made it a major doctrine? Sure. You know how it is when you want to control the masses. Have to create a creed for them to follow. Have to get them to OBEY all the rules. If they don’t obey the little things, you know you can’t get them to obey the BIG STUFF, like tithe paying, heh heh…
“Energy? Everything is energy!? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that countless times since I’ve been in this place. I exuuuuuude negative energy? Like a big fat dust bunny? Harrumph!!! So you travel between the various planes in your spirit? Who the hell are you? Some kind of demon? You’ve been called worse? So what do you want with me, Mr. Mercury? Had to check me out? Had to see why that Patti was having such a hard time understanding the psychic energy stuff you tried to explain to her? Mind control? She trusted me implicitly and then the rug was pulled out from under her? Was a true believer? Totally dedicated to my stupid organization? Was her whole life? Then when she was unceremoniously forced out the mind control began to crumble? Like she stepped off the edge of a cliff and there was nothing under her feet? Brain warp? Had to Unlearn everything I taught her through my stupid organization? She threw it ALL OUT and started over with NOTHING? An empty slate? Now you understand why she had to know EVERYTHING! She couldn’t stand any more LIES and DECEIT. That’s why you and her don’t get along anymore? You lied to her? She got your number too? Borrowed money and promised to pay her back and never did? Dumb sheep, that one. Believes anything you tell her… ha ha ha, I see…
“So about the Old Testament being done away. What’s your version of it Mr. Quicksilver? Oh, you took care of that in your out house? So what’s an out house? A two seater? Never heard of such a thing!!! That’s where your Bible was located? Your so-called ‘study’? Oh, I see… And that’s where your version of the Old Testament was ‘done away’ a page at a time? I should think about that? So Mr. Quick, since you came to see me, you wanna do lunch? I’ll buy the pork chops! You’re a vegetarian? Won’t eat that crap? Won’t put dead animals in your body? So you wanna go for pancakes then instead? No appetite while you’re sleeping? Have places to go and things to do that are INTERESTING? Not impressed with the likes of me? I should meet the ROOSTER? What the HELL is the ROOSTER??? Somebody who has something to crow about? Used to be your friend? Got your number too? So how do I meet him?
“You don’t look much like a rooster! Where’s your BEAK? heh, heh, heh!!! A nick name because of your spiked blond hair? Of course you KNOW you need a haircut!!! I am NOT your OUTSIDE AUTHORITY? So why are you here? Having a nightmare? Patti told you all about me and you’re here to check me out? So what do you see, Mr. Beakless Rooster? And why do you think I would take my precious time to talk to the likes of you?? I never even heard of that damn Patti until she came here in her nightmare!!! Oh, she told you how I made off with the tithes of all the people and used them for lewd purposes? $l,500.00 hair cuts!!! Prostitutes on board my jet!!? Heh, heh!!! Yeah. So what’s your point? Preached that the ‘widow’s might’ would give the dumb sheep a special blessing and all it did was get spent on my frivolous bullshit! A waste of your nightmare? You’d rather dream about something worthwhile, like Nancy? Who the hell is Nancy?
“Nobody I know? So Rooster, the impression I’ve gotten from all these dreamtime visits is that I am a pretty popular person! DELUSIONAL? You don’t even know me and you call me delusional? Know my type? So what’s that supposed to mean? A petty dictator? Little tyrant? Little Hitler? Not even original, just another IMPOSTER? How dare you come here, you miserable BIRD and talk to me THAT WAY! It’s your nightmare and you can dream anything you want? So why do I have to participate? My choice? I didn’t have to accept your visit? So I could just go pooft and leave? My EGO couldn’t stand to say NO to the ATTENTION I’m getting from these visits? I still think I’m some apostle when all I am is an inflated balloon and you’d like to see me deflated? I’m just a crumb like the rest of you? There’s not “GOD” and “NOT GOD”? And what’s that supposed to mean? What you crowin’ about BIG BIRD? Insulting you? So? So you’re telling me that God is ALL THERE IS? Bible says God is all in all, even me? Off the hook, little man? Part of God? A very very very SMALL small part, unlike my delusional grandeur? Like a fly speck? Oh, no!! Not THAT again!!! I’ve heard enough about fly shit to last me a lifetime? Or THREE you say? Plenty of lifetimes ahead to make amends for my depraved ways? Thousands of places to incarnate? You mean like that alien in a Halloween costume was telling me? He was right on the money? Hey BIRD, where’d you go???”
to be continued…