"RCG Fruits" and More!

The following contribution is

by “Hoss Cartwright”

Dear Painful Truth,

After seeing articles like “RCG Fruits” and critiques on the latest singularity in the COG universe, I came up with this

 – To the tune of the Stonecutters song, The Simpsons, S06E12.


Who has all the doctrines right,

Who has the most well hit website?


We do! We do!


Who has the best Alexa score,

Who beats those who came before?


We do! We do!


Who says watching football’s bad,

Who says birthdays make God mad?


We do! We do!


Who proves all the others wrong,

Who has the best clone of Armstrong?


We do! We do!

We do! We do!




Thanks for the invitation to share some experiences. Also, another little ditty…


There is a saying, If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention. Perhaps this is why I have no bad memories of my WCG days. Probably the strongest words a minister said to me came as a stinging critique of my first Spokesman’s Club speech, or during a sports event. (The aggressiveness of some ministers could lead one to write Should a Christian minister play basketball?).


Far worse were my religious experiences at home – my father’s family was strong German Catholic, my mother’s was anti-Catholic Scottish Protestant. I was the child brought up Catholic, to first communion and confirmation. Then one Sunday after summer vacation overseas I was told we’re all going to my mother’s church. I refused to go and got a one-week reprieve, but from the next Sunday, I had to attend Sunday school, services, fellowship, membership classes, outings, the works. My father’s decision to leave Catholicism and forcing me to join a Protestant church had more lasting impact than Joe Senior’s dismantling of HWA’s core doctrines.


The first time I heard GTA on radio, he was doing a “Panorama of Prophecy” series – a few months after a friend showed me a book about Nostradamus. The WCG did lead me to solving my Catholic/Protestant problem; when I left home I became a member.


My post-WCG enlightenment was realizing the poor, downright sloppy scholarship of HWA, Dr Hoeh and others. I never joined a splinter – each seemed to be based on being a “true” successor to HWA, along with many of the mistakes. I got involved with a Jewish community, and discovered the faulty premises of HWA’s exegesis. Instead of reading Rupert, Allen, and Mein Kampf, Herb should have used the Talmud in his research.


Reading stories in the Painful Truth, it is appalling to learn what some have suffered in their WCG and splinter experiences. So why do I stay involved in discussions of HWA and things of the past, which I personally survived unscathed? Perhaps it’s the same dreadful fascination we hold for things like Hitler and the Nazis. Or, as why George Bernard Shaw said he liked to listen to Brahms: To remind myself how bad he was.


In my Catholic days, I used to joke about Long Mass, Short Mass, and “Very Short Mass” – which I said consisted only of collection. “Collection” of course meant collecting money once or twice during mass. It’s interesting that the tithing doctrine finds itself in Catholic, Protestant and Cult groups; it’s one “Jewish” law that Christians keep but Jews don’t. When I started attending WCG services, stories were circulating about the infamous intellectual “Dr Martin” – but I didn’t know about his tithing research until years later. And to think that Joe Tkatch proclaiming the abolition of the triple tithing doctrine was meant to increase church income…


A blog author mentioned that Bob Thiel might get contributions from “a wandering Armstrongite”, which inspired this parody:

A Wondering Armstrongite I

– to the tune of the first ten lines of A wandering minstrel I, from The Mikado, Gilbert and Sullivan.


A wondering Armstrongite I

Of mind in tatters,

Unsure of just what matters,

And if and to whom I should tithe…

And if … and to whom I should tithe!


The list of COGs is very long,

Of every doctrine ranging,

With only one not changing,

To whom I must send my tithe!

To whom … I must send my tithe!


I’ve looked at Gerry, Ted, and Ron,

(Both Dart, and Weinland)

Wherever I could find them,

Of course they will tell you to tithe!

Of course… they will tell you to tithe!


Then there was Rod and Dick, and Dave,

And now I’ll visit Bob T,

The latest Herbert proxy,

Who says I can send him my tithe!

Who says … I can send him my tithe!


And then one day it dawned on me

That I could form my own COG,

With bank account and web log,

So now you can send me your tithe!

So nowyou can send me your tithe!