This Emergency Announcement to All Churches of God is to go out immediately!!!!
Effective immediately the Passover has been cancelled!
Due to a pandemic which cannot be named, the Passover for all churches of god is to be cancelled. Because of a ban in most jurisdictions around the world, with the possible exception of Sweden, groups of people are banned from gathering. Sizes of the gatherings varies from region to region and jurisdiction to jurisdiction. Officials are concerned that the [perhaps] deadly contagion can be spread from person to person through what may be magical means. It isn’t that the churches of god are big on science or anything, but the outbreak from unknown source in an unknown country may be problematic, particularly because there are a few scattered reports that people get sick and could possibly — though not confirmed — may die. We don’t know a lot at this point, but it’s better just to submit yourself to government so you don’t get into trouble with the local authorities.
We all know that there is no danger to members because god will protect us. We won’t get sick. Or if we do get sick, we will be healed. Expect an anointed cloth in the mail if you ask an elder. He’s not coming to your home to do the anointing. It’s called “social distancing”.
We know that god has revealed this in advance to his prophets as he specified in his Word, but the problem is that That Prophet was busy with watching Irish clog dancing at the time and just didn’t get out the word soon enough so members could stock up on toilet paper, hand sanitizers and paper towels. We’re sorry if you’ve run short, but he was busy with more important things. We’re not certain that things will be any better next time.
Fortunately, most of you are retired, so you don’t have to worry about losing your job. The members are fifty shades of gray by now and all the closing of businesses and subsequent furloughs and severances probably don’t affect you. You probably don’t need unemployment and it’ll be just fine. Also, in the United States, if you are on Social Security, you will get $1,200 which will just about cover the cost of inflation, but not quite. As always, god will provide. Remember that our lord and master, Herbert Armstrong did tell us to “prepare to lower your standard of living” and after 3 decades you’d think everyone would have.
There is quite a lot of good news! Apparently, Venezuela has just fired upon a cruise ship to avoid nasty stuff to come into their country. This may well pave the way to World War III (or some other number, since III may already be taken — it’s hard to keep track)! This means that we are on track for prophecy and the Great Tribulation! We can now look forward to the Place of Safety and the final instruction before we enter into the Kingdom of God! Rejoice! Isn’t that wonderful! It won’t be long now, just like the song says!
Some might be discouraged, but it’s time to buck up! You need to tighten your belts now more than ever before for this gunlap round! It’s time to give and dump your money into our… um… god’s work as never before! We need to get the message out because no one has been noticing us up until now! Now we have something to distinguish us! We have prophecy on our side.
Yes, dear friends. The Passover is cancelled. The days of unleavened bread are cancelled. Oh, you still have to get rid of the leavening, but we aren’t meeting, so be sure to send in your abundant generous offering! Twice! Once at the beginning of the Days and once at the end! You know you want to!
Some are wondering and so we will make this clear now. No, we probably won’t have Pentecost either. it’s not like it’s more than a day anyway (except as a double ‘Sabbath’), so it’s not much of a loss. As for the Feast of Trumpets and the Day of Atonement, well, you can probably stay at home too. God has not revealed that yet to his prophets and when he does, you can be sure that you will get notice of it at the last minute. Anyway, it isn’t likely we’ll be able to book anything. Maybe some few of you can come to Home Office or Headquarters, whatever is appropriate.
As for the Feast of Tabernacles, save your money and when the time comes, send it all to us. You won’t be going anywhere. We can’t really book anything right now and without advance bookings, we can’t really guarantee anything. Anyway, the airlines you want to book may not even be in business by then, ditto on the lodgings. For this year, you are so screwed.
As for the Place of Safety, no, we don’t know for sure where that is yet. With all the borders of countries being closed and no facilities available, it really is problematic. Getting tents and camping supplies from REI and Amazon might also be a non starter, although you could try Ebay. Always remember that God will provide, but you’ll have to seize the opportunities with your own money.
That’s about it! Have a great feast… alone… by yourself… with social distancing… and lack of amenities because Walmart is sold out. Hopefully, you’ve had the foresight to stock up on enough booze to carry you through. If there’s one thing we know it is that alcohol is important to fuel the people of god through the spirit.
Good luck. And send lots of money! Everything is cancelled.
And that is really what will happen folks. Listen to our new and improved prophet, Snarkcastic. Snark has been certified by the Painful Truth as a prophet, taking 1st place within his class.
Welcome my prophet, you have already buried Li’l Bob. Perhaps Thiel will sign up before another failing year of “should have, maybe, perhaps.”
I might add that Billingsley is on his 3rd try. We wish him the best however….
I want to thank James for which without, I would not have won this award. I also owe a debt of gratitude to my cat who has always been there no matter how strange my pronouncements might be.
Those who know me best know that I have mastered the most dangerous secret dark arts long forgotten: Science, technology, engineering, math and statistics, which are highly discredited magical tools, rejected by the other prophets noted by the Church of God Industries, making me a pariah among the luminaries as an outright fraud.
This is not a bit helped by the inerrant accuracy of my prognostications which are held in such high contempt. I employ the forbidden and dangerous Dark Arts, the main one of which is predicting the past.
Unlike the other prophets who can’t even do that right, I continue to embarrass and confuse That Prophet and his ilk by reaching into history with creditable and certified sources, a practice widely condemned by the Wizards of Prophecy (WoP).
Until these WoPs gain enough courage to follow the path of STEMs, Predicting the Past and the liberal practice of Morals and Ethics, it is unlikely that they will surpass my stellar record and accomplishments.
I humbly accept the award from James and now return to my anonymity among the muggles and proles who surround me as ordinaries making their way through their blue collar, manufacturing, medical, scientific and service jobs, devoid of the high status of the elite theologians endeavoring to learn abstract things of little to no consequence or value.
Now that is a classical reply! God bless you as you as your prophecies put butter boy Bob Thiel into the dirt!